It’s so near to Christmas now, I love this time of year. I always feel massively unfestive until I finish work though…thankfully I finish up on Thursday, so only 4 more days to go. Woohoo. I cannot wait to spend time with my family, and just not have to get up for work or spend my days rushing round like a looper trying to get school stuff/work stuff/general life organised. Also looking forward to a pre Christmas clear out, get the house in good shape in time for the deluge of stuff that H will get. Our house is nice, but small. We have the spare room (the one we earmarked as the nursery when we moved in, started ttc the month after we moved…how ironic), but other than that I do wonder where the heck we would put all the baby’s stuff, should we ever be so lucky. I’m sure that can be easily figured out though, I’d single-handedly gut the house if needs be haha. Seriously though, I am looking forward to a big declutter and starting 2019 fresh and relaxed.
Work has been manic and not much fun recently, so will be pleased to get away from that. My boss also asked me for the I don’t know what time this week if I was planning on having another kid. I totally get being asked once, or even twice…but I swear this is the third month in a row she’s asked, and at least 10 times in the past 18 months that I’ve been there. I get being asked once or twice, but its beginning to get quite annoying now, especially what with being infertile and that. My friend suggested I just come clean and tell them we are having problems, but that’s way more personal than I would like to get with my boss thank you! If we ever have a baby, like when it’s actually born, I’m not completely against coming clean then and explaining s/he was an ivf baby. In this really difficult time, though, I don’t want to make it public knowledge, or even private between me and my boss. I think part of me can’t bear that people might pity me, and part of me can’t bear admitting we can’t do something so simple – I know this isn’t true, but I do feel like we are both failures. That isn’t to say I think we are both useless, or that I blame us…or maybe I do a little. It’s very hard to come to terms with, even after all this time. You’d think almost 2.5 years from diagnosis for C, and 3years this month for me, that it wouldn’t be so hard to get to grips with. But it is. It still is.
At least now, I know that 2019 is finally the year we get started. I just have everything crossed that by next Christmas, I’ll be writing some very different blog posts
I actually cannot believe it has been nearly 3 months since my last post. Where the heck did that go?! So. I’m starting to think about supplements and things in the run up to it now as you need to take things for a few months to allow them to get into your system properly before you start. With MFI and PCOS, we need to make sure everything is tip top with us both. Pcos can result in poor quality eggs and as we don’t know the cause of C’s low sperm count, we don’t know if they might be poor quality too, (little miss ray of sunshine over here assumes they’re not great, but we don’t actually know…). Anyway, we want to boost everything up really. We are taking the following daily:
1000mg vitamin C – some studies have shown this to improve sperm count and motility. For women, some studies show that it can increase progesterone. My understanding is that oestrogen dominance is part of pcos, so I guess that may help to balance the hormones?! If not, hopefully I won’t get a cold anytime soon 😁
Omega 3 Supplements – omega 3 improves sperm motility and morphology. Whilst we are using ICSI, motility isn’t really an issue as they inject the sperm directly into the egg, however morphology will still come into play (as far as I know?!)
Vitamin D – some studies show that sufficient vitamin d levels can improve sperm count in men and improve pcos symptoms in women. As vitamin D is made mainly by exposure to sunlight, we are all sadly lacking it in Britain (although perhaps not so much after the amazing summer we have just had)
Wellman and Wellwoman conception – bog standard conception multivitamin, containing differing levels of essential vitamins to promote a healthy fertile body leading up to conception.
I actually need to buy some more Wellwoman so haven’t included them in the photo. I got all the vitamins at good old Tesco, as I didn’t want expensive vitamins you can only buy online. I admit that this did influence what I bought!
If you’re looking into supplements for fertility I would encourage you to do your own research and draw your own conclusions. There’s a dizzying amount of info out there on fertility supplements and even the ones I am using have some contradictory advice online. It can be a bit of a minefield!
Not mine, obviously! C’s cousins both announced within weeks of each other early this year that they were expecting and they are both here now. And beautiful they are too. Gorgeous baby boys, who, despite only being about 4 weeks between them will actually grow up to be in different school years. Funny how that can be. Both mummies and babies doing well and it’s all very exciting. But. Of course. It is also a little bit shit too. I’m trying very hard to not let myself be completely consumed by this shit shower that is infertility and being too broke to do anything about it for the very far foreseeable future but it isn’t always easy. And I tend to only blog about it when I’m feeling crap so probably makes it seem to any reader that I am always negative and miserable but I’m not (honest!). And sometimes I think it’s ok to accept that you feel like crap sometimes. It’s hard. It’s miserable. And the never knowing if you will eventually be lucky enough to have a baby or not is the absolute worst thing. If someone was able to say “it’s gunna take 5 cycles of ivf but you will eventually be successful” or “i know it’s awful to deal with but it’s just never going to happen for you” or even “surprise mo fo’s!! You win the infertility jackpot and get preggo naturally, but it will take another year!” Then it would be oh so much easier to deal with. Some people say it’s the surprises that make life worth living and in some cases I absolutely agree but I would 1 billion percent like it to not be like that for this.
But, sadly, these things are not things I can control at all. Something I can control, however, is doing something about my weight. My target is officially 1 stone off, although secretly it is 1 stone and 5lbs, which will put me squarely back to where I was before all of my huge weight gain. I’ve already lost a stone from my heaviest, but it has been up and down over the last 2 years. Happily, I am already half a stone down. Happy days!!! So, plan of action is 1. Lose weight 2. Save. And save. And save. 3. Get a super lucky first round positive ivf success. I’m all over this.
I threw out my pill. 2 whole years. We’re still on a ttc break, but I felt like I should mark the occasion :). Two years ago, C was saying how this time next year we will have a baby. Ha. I actually knew we would struggle. I didn’t think it would be this much of an issue, granted, and definitely expected to have had a baby by now, but I knew we would have problems. Just a gut feeling I had. It took 9 months to conceive dd too, which I know isn’t really that long but it also wasn’t super fertile fast either. Either way, I kept telling C I thought it would take ages and he kept saying I was being silly. Even my friends said no way, it only took so long cos of the age of H’s dad (we had a pretty big age gap, him being almost 15 yrs older than me). It seems weird now, I feel sad for the hopeful and happy me back then. I feel like there is always a bit of me that will be a little bit sad because we can’t have a baby naturally. I’m sure (really, really hoping!) that actually, that feeling will disappear as we get older, either because we get an ivf miracle or if that doesn’t work, we just accept it. I used to spend ages looking at reviews on pushchairs and cots etc, picking out the best ones and working out how much money we would need to save. Like “if i get pregnant next month, we need to save x amount a month”, and thinking ‘jeez we are gunna need about 2 grand for all the baby gear I want and a nice wedge in the bank to get through mat leave. How are we going to save that up?!’ And now….we need at least 5 grand just to have 1 go at making the actual baby. Ah, the irony! I really do miss that hopeful feeling that in a month or two it’s sure to happen now. I mean we could get incredibly lucky cos it does happen and fingers crossed we are the lucky ones, but statistically speaking it really isn’t a plan to rely on so I don’t feel all that hopeful at all.
Also I just wanted to talk about relationships. Everyone else seems to find it brings them and their partner closer together. Personally, I have found it very tough on our relationship. I have a bit of me that thinks how unfair it all is, why us, why him, why me? Why the two of us together? Part of me, totally wrongly, blames both of us a bit although it is completely beyond our control. Who said emotions were rational though?! And it has been HARD. I feel like we are the only ones who have struggled with this, but wanted to write about that too. I feel like our sex life suffered too, with me, again irrationally, feeling like it was a bit pointless if we weren’t going to have a baby out of it. That has changed now, but it was definitely something I had to work through.
Anyway. Happy 2 year anniversary to us…it’s been one hell of a ride.
It has been just about 2 weeks since our appointment at the clinic, where we found out it isn’t just PCOS but male factor infertility we are dealing with.
It has been such a strange couple of weeks. I have swung from feeling ok about it all to having…almost a breakdown maybe about it. I find myself excitedly researching ivf clinics one minute, to crying about how rubbish the statistics for success are the next. Swinging between thinking things will be ok, and raging at how unfair it is. I feel so envious of people who get pregnant just by missing one pill. We have been trying for 16 months now and I haven’t had a period in that whole time and with my partner’s semen analysis results it wouldn’t really make much difference anyway. And I know we need to make peace with that, but it is hard.
Also not helped by the fact the nurse we have been seeing seems to be fairly useless. Firstly, at a scan I had last week she got me mixed up with someone else. I mean, I know they’re busy, but that wouldn’t be acceptable in many lines of work, but when it is something like this I think it is awful. She also sent a letter to my doctor saying they will monitor me through a menstrual cycle, which will be tricky as I don’t have them! And that my partner has no sperm at all. Which he does, so I don’t know what she is on about. She seems to have meshed our notes with someone else’s! Which doesn’t fill me with confidence and is maybe the only glimmer of relief I have at having to go privately, as the NHS seems to be not that great from our experience here.
I guess I am using this as an online diary almost. Nobody I know has been through IVF and although I linger around forums, we aren’t anywhere near having any procedures done yet so I feel like I don’t quite fit there either. Also, maybe someone out there is reading this and going through the same thing and maybe that is helping someone else. I like to hope that one day we will get the best news and someone will be able to see all this and realise there is hope. Because I know right now I don’t feel much of it, so it would be nice to get a happy ending. I really hope we do get a happy ending, although I do think it is going to be a long, emotionally and financially draining journey. But if at the end of the day I am the only one who reads this, I hope it is something to look back on and see how far things have come.
As for the here and now, my next step is to take some provera to induce a period and then get a hsg to check my womb and tubes for any issues. Since I had a daughter a few years ago I am hoping all is well but apparently the coil can cause scarring and I have had 3 since my little girl was born, so with our luck so far I probably have got some problems there too! Fingers crossed for the all clear from them though.
I’ll probably update after that, depending how I feel. We go on holiday next week too, something nice to look forward to at least!