Stalemate and losing “me”

Time is still whizzing on by. I’ll never understand how days drag but months fly?!?!

We are now in the position that we have our loan safely in the bank ready for when we get started, but as usual things are never that simple! We have been chasing around the results for c’s karyotyping blood test since our appointment with the clinic at the end of March. I was hoping after that appointment that we would be able to get started in April, but it’s now the 21st (Happy Easter!) and it will definitely by May now. We have chased everyone we can think of, and contacted the nhs PALS service for our hospital in order to obtain these results. They’ve suggested C submits a patient medical record access request, which we posted yesterday. It’s bank holiday weekend though, so the hospital won’t get it until Wednesday at the earliest and then they have 30 days to respond. Theoretically then, we may not get a response until late May and then won’t get started until June! I’m so used to waiting and setbacks that although it’s really frustrating it almost doesn’t even register as a problem. I cannot imagine us ever being lucky enough for this to work out for us and actually getting a real live baby at the end of it, but at the same time I can’t imagine it not working either. It’s a really strange feelung and hard to explain, but I swing between feeling certain that we will have a baby and certain we won’t.

I actually had a bit of a meltdown last night (making it infertility induced breakdown number 5,557 through the past few years!!! I swear this shizz is driving me crazy). I feel like this has been such a heavy burden to live with for the past few years, and I’ve been so sad for so long, I feel like I may never be “me” again. I feel like even if we do get pregnant and have a baby…will it be like waving a magic wand? Will all the hurt melt away just like the click of my fingers? Or will it be hard, will I always have lost a part of myself? It’s something I’m worried about. I feel like I’ve spent so many years thinking “when we have a baby it will all be ok”, but what if it’s not? I don’t know what to feel or think about that. I think for now,I just have to keep on with the journey and trust everything will all work itself out one way or another.

Once I have more news I will update again

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Update

Can’t believe it’s been almost 2 months since I last updated. That really did fly!!! I’m going to try and update as much as I can remember, in case it helps anyone who ever reads this and also for my own records!

So, last time I blogged we had booked our first consultation. I had my AMH tested for the first time ever and it came back at a mind boggling 102!!! The reference range for my age was something like 4-56 so….yeah!! With PCOS, amh is almost always high so I wasn’t shocked it was outside normal range, but I was shocked by how high it was. Cue panic that I would be too messed up for IVF altogether. It was an anxious wait til the consultation.

I was also supposed to have my ultrasound at the consultation but for one reason or another the clinic rescheduled it for the day before, and altered my initial appointment to a later one as I would be making excuses to leave work early. As it happened, I decided to go for a half day off of work and checked the appointment had been altered. Turns out it hadn’t, so a mad rush ensued to get there on time. The clinic was very apologetic and it was no real issue, but I hope we have no more issues like that during actual treatment! Anyway. The ultrasound showed an antral follicle count of well over 80 follicles, meaning I will be on low stims to begin with as im at high risk over overstimulating.

The next day, 29th March, was appointment day. Finally!!!!! Excited and nervous we got there for our alloted time. I can’t fault their timing this time, we were literally in on the dot of our specified times. C had his first SA since 2016 and things were still bad, but actually  the count was up from 0.1mil per ml to 0.67mil. So still very low, but instead of less than half a million total count we have over 2 million which I was personally very happy with. The consultant wasn’t as thrilled as me funnily, and suggested we freeze a back up sample just in case of issues on the day. I was going to ask about thid anyway, so that was good too. Basically, we will be on the antagonist protocol and once we obtained results from my GP confirming i dont have chlamydia and have rubella immunity, and we get copies of C’s karyotyping results, we are ready to roll!

Side note, I always knew I caught german measles as a young kid just after my vaccinations. I think my sister had it around the same time too. I literally found out this past weekend that german measles and rubella are the same thing. Who knew?!  (Probably everyone except me, but never mind) so I have actually had Rubella in the past. Anyways. Im definitely immune because I remember being tested while pregnant in 2008 too.

We are having issues getting C’s results as nobody seems to have them and the consultant’s secretary at that hospital have ignored multiple emails and voicemails asking for them. I’m hoping they send them soon so we can move onto the next stage which is speaking to Access Fertility about their refund packages. Once the clinic have all results, we call Access who will get our records and let us know which, if any, programmes we are eligible for. We want to do the 3 cycle 50% refund, so 🤞🤞 we are eligible. Once that has been decided, we pay them and then we can get going. It’s scary that it’s finally almost here, but also so, so exciting! All being well, I want to be starting soon, hopefully by the end of April. Eeeeeeeeek!!! Will update when I have more news x

 

News at last!

Well. It’s been probably 2.5, nearly 3 years since we last had anything fertility and ivf related actually happen so I’m very excited that we are still on track for starting IVF sometime in the spring. I’m literally so excited I feel sick thinking about it. Or maybe that’s nerves?! I think it quite possibly could be a bit of both. It’s just a tiny thing but I’m so happy it is something at last! 

We are going on a tour of our chosen clinicom 4th February – a week on Monday. I can’t wait and I’m hoping it will at least dampen down the overwhelming feelings I have regarding starting this process. Being able to see the clinic and meet some of the people involved will remove a little of the unknown surround everything I hope. It is always daunting to everyone, but I feel like I’ve had so many years to think through every possible scenario and feeling that might be involved that it’s almost built it up to more than it is. Perhaps that sounds silly. After all, everyone is nervous, scared and excited all in one go when they start IVF. I can’t really compare these feelings directly with other peoples experience, you only know what you know, right?! Either way, I’m feeling all the feelings and it’s still a few months til we start.

Which brings me to my second point. We really need to start upping our health game! I’ve been saying for months about taking supplements and losing weight and exercising more, yet most evening you will still find me on the sofa with a big bag of crisps and chocolate and the Netflix remote. Whatever gets you through, amirite? Seriously though. We actually do have to start this now. We could be only 3/4 months from starting, timescales permitting. I’m so excited!!!!! I will report back after the visit with my views and how it went.

 

 

 

And the journey continues!

​It has been just about 2 weeks since our appointment at the clinic, where we found out it isn’t just PCOS but male factor infertility we are dealing with. 

It has been such a strange couple of weeks. I have swung from feeling ok about it all to having…almost a breakdown maybe about it. I find myself excitedly researching ivf clinics one minute, to crying about how rubbish the statistics for success are the next. Swinging between thinking things will be ok, and raging at how unfair it is. I feel so envious of people who get pregnant just by missing one pill. We have been trying for 16 months now and I haven’t had a period in that whole time and with my partner’s semen analysis results it wouldn’t really make much difference anyway. And I know we need to make peace with that, but it is hard.

Also not helped by the fact the nurse we have been seeing seems to be fairly useless. Firstly, at a scan I had last week she got me mixed up with someone else. I mean, I know they’re busy, but that wouldn’t be acceptable in many lines of work, but when it is something like this I think it is awful. She also sent a letter to my doctor saying they will monitor me through a menstrual cycle, which will be tricky as I don’t have them! And that my partner has no sperm at all. Which he does, so I don’t know what she is on about. She seems to have meshed our notes with someone else’s! Which doesn’t fill me with confidence and is maybe the only glimmer of relief I have at having to go privately, as the NHS seems to be not that great from our experience here. 

I guess I am using this as an online diary almost. Nobody I know has been through IVF and although I linger around forums, we aren’t anywhere near having any procedures done yet so I feel like I don’t quite fit there either. Also, maybe someone out there is reading this and going through the same thing and maybe that is helping someone else. I like to hope that one day we will get the best news and someone will be able to see all this and realise there is hope. Because I know right now I don’t feel much of it, so it would be nice to get a happy ending. I really hope we do get a happy ending, although I do think it is going to be a long, emotionally and financially draining journey. But if at the end of the day I am the only one who reads this, I hope it is something to look back on and see how far things have come. 

As for the here and now, my next step is to take some provera to induce a period and then get a hsg to check my womb and tubes for any issues. Since I had a daughter a few years ago I am hoping all is well but apparently the coil can cause scarring and I have had 3 since my little girl was born, so with our luck so far I probably have got some problems there too! Fingers crossed for the all clear from them though.

I’ll probably update after that, depending how I feel. We go on holiday next week too, something nice to look forward to at least! 

Today was the day!!!

Today was finally the long awaited fertility appointment. It went very badly. We had assumed it was just me with fertility issues but it turns out my partner has an extremely low count and motility. So our only option is ICSI. 

It really floored us both, but especially my partner, unsurprisingly. He is still hopeful, however, even scouring the big wide internet results as poor as his are few and far between. We have discussed it and will probably go ahead with a cycle of ICSI. Possibly abroad, as we will be self funding due to me already having a child. We have a follow up NHS appointment in around 3 months when we will get some further results for other tests on me (an ultrasound to reconfirm pcos and see whether the womb lining is actually developing, which I don’t think it will be and a dye test to check if my tubes are blocked) and tests on my partner (he is being checked for genetic issues that may cause his poor results and also a hormonal blood screening). 

Honestly…I am devastated. I have cried a lot today. When my daughter gets home I will treasure her just that little bit more. I know I am very lucky to have her, but it doesn’t take away the longing for another. I genuinely can’t quite imagine life without ever experiencing another pregnancy or bringing a child that is both mine and my partner’s into the world. I also cannot quite imagine how much it will hurt to go ahead with treatment and it possibly not work either. This is hard. It’s raw and it’s cold and it is, without a doubt, the toughest thing emotionally I have ever had to deal with. 

I guess time will tell what the next step will be!

P.s it’s now almost 3 weeks since my last dose of Soy Isoflavones and I have not ovulated that I have picked up on. So I guess that didn’t work either! Not that it would help much if it did with the semen analysis being what it was. Sigh.