Honestly. I’m feeling so bad today. I’m angry and fed up and sad and all kinds of feelings balled up together. I don’t even 100% know why, I think I have just had enough of most parts of life at the moment (not in a suicidal way, just fed up)
Work sucks. I had a terrrible day at work, compounded only by a very baby filled day. And actually, I wasn’t upset about the baby stuff. I was genuinely happy for the 2 mums and cooing over the babies in a genuine way, they were adorable. I just felt a bit sad afterwards, but nothing major. I just think the fact I’m at the end of my tether with a lot of work stuff and then that was added into the mix = a bad, bad day.
Also we are heading into starting ivf soon and myself and C just aren’t getting on much. I don’t like to write about it much, even though it’s not like many people read this, but infertility only ever seems to being other people together. Also, everyone must think I am crazy – why would I be thinking of having a baby with someone when we’re not even getting on that well? We all know about band aid babies. They don’t fix things…except, what if one of the reasons you’re so broken is that you can’t have a baby? How does band aid baby fit then?
I feel like im losing myself completely. I’m not fun anymore. I don’t smile for real anymore. Im so stressed and fed up that it spills into every area of my life and im so sick of feeling this way. I called C when I was on my way home to talk about my shit day at work. He let me spill it all out and then said “I’ve got to go” no kind words or support. He was at work but I just think, surely you could have taken 5 minutes, walked away from everyone and just said something nice, right?! Maybe I’m being over sensitive cos ive had a bad day.
I also find that I just dont feel for him the way I used to. We have times where we are the old us, and laugh and joke and feel close to each other, but mostly we barely even talk these days and when we do we argue. We are so close to starting ivf, yet I feel like its just the entirely wrong time for us, while at the same time feeling like we need to do it because I do believe it will bring us closer together again. I feel like this has pushed and tested this relationship very, very close to its breaking point. I don’t want to go ahead with treatment if I dont think we will stay together, and I think going ahead is the best chance we have of staying together. It’s a very, very odd situation.
Im also finding H is hard work. She is so needy and demanding and I think, I’m obviously shit at parenting. Why do I think id be any good with 2 when I am shit with 1? This is hard. Ive babied her so much and im paying the price now, and I worry if I did have another baby she would feel so pushed out cos id have to give the baby so much attention. At the same time, she would make such an amazing aister too because shes honestly so kind and caring.
And finally, im so fed up with myself. I put weight on and am shit at dieting. I hate how I look but im too rubbish to lose any weight. I always end up eating cakes, crisps or chocolate. Or all 3. Im just fed up with my home life, my work life and myself right now. I just want to spend a week hiding by myself, getting my head together without all the constant demands on my time. Being an adult is too much sometimes.
I’m hoping by the time I update next, it will be a much more positive update! This is really not a fun day