Stims day….10?!

Day 10 already! First things first. Nobody warned me how utterly nauseous I would feel through this process. I had read about headaches (but didn’t get any), read about the bloating (definitely DO have that) but the nausea? That took me by surprise. And boy have I had nausea. All day long. I spend about 80% of the day feeling horrendous, so I try to eat during, and enjoy, the 20% where I feel good. Also, my boobs…I have HUGE boobs and they’re super sore and sensitive. I’m really conscious of the fact that with my huge boobs and bloated belly people are probably thinking that I am in fact already pregnant.

Anyway. That dealt with, onto the jabs. I’m kind of over them now, but thankfully I should only have tonight and tomorriw to stim and then trigger on Saturday. Fingers crossed. I have done prettt good too, only really bruised myself once. I’m not sure if I hit a vein or something, but it bled a bit and bruised up a beauty
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I think all things considered I’ve got away ok on the injection side of things.

Finally, on to my actual progress. I have a whopping 35 follicles at the moment. These ranged in size from 6mm to 16mm at my last scan yesterday, although on the whole they were between 12-14mm. The clinic lowered my dose slightly yeaterday, and it’s back up to normal dose tonight. I’m worried that maybe that means they won’t have grown enough on tomorrow’s scan but time will tell!

Day 5 stims

Today was the day we added cetrotide into the mix, so my update for today is that yes, it does hurt, but not much more or less than menopur.

We had a fair disaster today with the menopur anyway as there was some in the needle part and when I tried to push the air out some medication came out. I’m sure it won’t make much sense. Well I hope, anyway.

Side effects wise, I’m not too bad at the moment. Mainly very tired. So very tired. However, as a long term insomniac, I’m pretty grateful for that side effect. I wake up fresh every morning for the first time since I was about 17. Also, emotional. I watched Dumplin, a netflix movie with Jennifer Aniston in earlier and it made me cry. I really enjoyed it, but welled up repeatedly through the whole thing. Embarrassing. Then H met a friend and then asked if she could sleep at her friends. I cried about that too cos she’s growing up. Honestly, I am a mess. C is bemused by my craziness, but tbh I am too so can’t really blame him!!
Finally, the newest side effect today is slightly sore ovaries. They feel a bit tender and walking sends tiny little jolts through them, so I have to walk slowly

All in all though, I am doing pretty good. 2 sleeps until my first scan to see what, if anything, is happening in there

Update 2

So following on from update 1, which was getting kind of long, Tuesday dawned and I was so nervous the night before I couldn’t actually sleep. Work finally finished and I rusher home, only for C to say he was stuck at work til 8. No!!! So the next few hours were spet stressing out and getting more and more nervous. I even asked him if he really wanted to be there for the first one – I was willing to do it myself just to get it over with. It took a lot of faffing around, but finally we got it prepared. I am beginning with Menopur 150iu, it comes in vials of drugs at 75iu strength which are little ‘cakes’of powder and what they call diluent (basically water) to mix it with to form a solution that can be drawn up into the syringe and injected. You also get two needles, a huge monstrosity which for us was pink collared, although this changes based on your clinic I would imagine and to my relief a much, much smaller and thinner needle for actually injecting with. I was so, so nervous about actually injecting it and my heart was pounding so hard, but actually it didn’t really hurt. There was also only a tiny little mark left afterwards.

Today was the second injection and it hurt more going in, but less after. On Saturday, we also add in cetrotide which I have heard is painful and leaves rashes and bruises, so I am a bit wary of that. I will be sure to update afterwards. I also have my 3 monitoring scans booked in for 24th, 26th and 28th. I’m both excited and nervous for them…happy to see what sort of progress is going on in there, but also worried in case there is no change. Since I have PCOS, I have been warned I will either respond too much, or not respond at all. Nothing I can do about that right bow though, so just going to relax and keep doing what we are doing. It feels so surreal that we are doing this finally. I actually felt like this would feel more, i don’t know, more of an event maybe? Not saying it’s easy, although as it is only Day 2 I’m not actually having any side effects and also I feel like the part from egg collection onwards will probably be the most nerve wracking, but for now it’s just normal life with some injections. I thought it would feel different…but I’m not complaining!

Update 1

Ok, it’s been a crazy, busy month!! I have quite a lot to update on so I will probably do two, just to keep them separate.

First of all, not that long after my last update we went to do our viral blood tests which were all clear thankfully. Not that I really expected anything else, but something about having the tests makes me nervous. Next up, C had a back up sperm freeze. A nice surprise for a change, this gave us our best count and quality so far, so we have 5 straws frozen. Really nice to know we have some good stuff as back up if the sample on the day isn’t great. This was 1.1 million per ml, so a total count of about 4.5 million. Still really low for most people, but considering the very first sample back in 2016 only had a total count of 400,000, we were absolutely thrilled with that for a result. More than 4 million more!!!

Next, we had the injection teach which was nerve wracking but ok…and a few days later we took delivery of our drugs. This was a big box full of drugs, sharps bin and needles etc. First order of the day, start metformin and provera. Metformin is to help with my pcos symptoms and provera to induce a period. I took this for 7 days. The first few days I felt horribly sick and had diarrhea (tmi, sorry). Not going to lie, I was miserable. Thankfully, that didn’t last too long. 2 days after the 7 day course was done, I started spotting and finally on the 4th day the long awaited period arrived….which meant stims were going to start the next day!!!

What a week

This has been one heck of a week. It started on Monday, when I went to the doctors and was prescribed antidepressants. Took one, but the clinic told me they weren’t ideal to take during treatment, so I could either have the dr prescribe something different or try their counselling service. I opted for the counselling, and had a session on Wednesday. I really…it seems wrong to use this word, but I did enjoy it in a way. Inasmuch as it really helped me and was so good to see someone who wasn’t trying to push positivity on me or tell me everything would be fine, but who was instead just helping me sort through my own feelings. We touched on how I feel about myself, and how I feel about my relationship and how I feel about secondary infertility. It was just really good, it helped me a lot.

Then on Thursday, we found out that we do not qualify to have refund cycles using Access fertility. This was a huge blow, as we relied on that as our cushion…like, ok we are spending thousands but if it doesn’t work we get half the money back which meant we could either pay off a lot of the debt or gk on holiday or something. Now we can’t do that. I also feel like they’re basically saying they think it won’t work for us so they’re not willing to offer a refund element as it’s a bad bet for them. I’ve found that pretty hard to be honest. I have been trying hard to be positive and feel like that’s just telling me we are wasting our time. Regardless, we are going ahead anyway. I guess it doesn’t mean anything really. It either works or it doesn’t at the end of the day!

Urgh. Anyway. We have now paid up, booked our final viral blood tests, C’s backup sperm freeze and our injection teach training session. It’s finally coming round!!

The day I admitted it’s hard

8.30am – I’m typing this as I get ready to leave for a doctors appointment. I’m finally admitting to myself, after all this time, that I am not okay. I haven’t been for a very long time, but I tell myself I’m good. I’m strong. Everyone goes through bad times. But I’m tired. I’m fed up of being sad, with no motivation or energy.never wanting to do anything. Having terrible sleeping patterns. Feeling anxious, angry and irritable. I think that I have anxiety and depression. I’ll update with what the doctor says when I’m back. Part of me feels like a fraud though. Do I really feel bad enough to see a doctor? What if they think I’m making it up? I’m not crying all day, or suicidal, so surely I’m ok? Only….I don’t feel ok. I’m going to finish getting ready now and come back later

10am – back now. Feeling confused and crap though tbh. First off, I’m taking a few days off work and I feel guilty and useless, and dreading having to explain it when I’m back at work. I don’t like telling people things about my private life, ironically enough since I have a blog that is very open. Anonymous, though! Second, the dr told me I should probably stop taking the medication once we start ivf. Well. Im hoping to start very soon so is it worth taking? What if I take it then stop and it still causes problems with the pregnancy? I’m not sure how to deal with this.

On the plus side, he did explain that all the weird stuff I do (not being able to sleep when H is away with her dad, worrying something is going to happen to us all when we go away etc etc) is all related to depression and anxiety. Which is what I have, exactly as I thought. I also should contact the clinic, but I’m scared to in case they say I can’t carry on with treatment. This is rough 😞

The results are back!

Eeeeeek!!! Finally. The final results we needed are back with us!!!

I’ve sent them over to the clinic and contacted Access Fertility to ask what we do next. And then I guess they will send us what we are eligible for and we are ready to go. Eek. And also argh! And also yay! Jeez. Im so excited and also nervous and also just all over the place. Of course it would be bank holiday so we won’t hear back for a few days, typical.

So next step should be enrol on the access programme and C needs to go and get a sperm sample frozen as a back up and we both need blood tests to make sure we haven’t got HIV or hepatitis. Then it’s injection training and then we start.

Can’t wait to hear when we can get going, hoping it won’t be too long

Today I am not ok

Honestly. I’m feeling so bad today. I’m angry and fed up and sad and all kinds of feelings balled up together. I don’t even 100% know why, I think I have just had enough of most parts of life at the moment (not in a suicidal way, just fed up)

Work sucks. I had a terrrible day at work, compounded only by a very baby filled day. And actually, I wasn’t upset about the baby stuff. I was genuinely happy for the 2 mums and cooing over the babies in a genuine way, they were adorable. I just felt a bit sad afterwards, but nothing major. I just think the fact I’m at the end of my tether with a lot of work stuff and then that was added into the mix = a bad, bad day.

Also we are heading into starting ivf soon and myself and C just aren’t getting on much. I don’t like to write about it much, even though it’s not like many people read this, but infertility only ever seems to being other people together. Also, everyone must think I am crazy – why would I be thinking of having a baby with someone when we’re not even getting on that well? We all know about band aid babies. They don’t fix things…except, what if one of the reasons you’re so broken is that you can’t have a baby? How does band aid baby fit then?

I feel like im losing myself completely. I’m not fun anymore. I don’t smile for real anymore. Im so stressed and fed up that it spills into every area of my life and im so sick of feeling this way. I called C when I was on my way home to talk about my shit day at work. He let me spill it all out and then said “I’ve got to go” no kind words or support. He was at work but I just think, surely you could have taken 5 minutes, walked away from everyone and just said something nice, right?! Maybe I’m being over sensitive cos ive had a bad day.

I also find that I just dont feel for him the way I used to. We have times where we are the old us, and laugh and joke and feel close to each other, but mostly we barely even talk these days and when we do we argue. We are so close to starting ivf, yet I feel like its just the entirely wrong time for us, while at the same time feeling like we need to do it because I do believe it will bring us closer together again. I feel like this has pushed and tested this relationship very, very close to its breaking point. I don’t want to go ahead with treatment if I dont think we will stay together, and I think going ahead is the best chance we have of staying together. It’s a very, very odd situation.

Im also finding H is hard work. She is so needy and demanding and I think, I’m obviously shit at parenting. Why do I think id be any good with 2 when I am shit with 1? This is hard. Ive babied her so much and im paying the price now, and I worry if I did have another baby she would feel so pushed out cos id have to give the baby so much attention. At the same time, she would make such an amazing aister too because shes honestly so kind and caring.

And finally, im so fed up with myself. I put weight on and am shit at dieting. I hate how I look but im too rubbish to lose any weight. I always end up eating cakes, crisps or chocolate. Or all 3. Im just fed up with my home life, my work life and myself right now. I just want to spend a week hiding by myself, getting my head together without all the constant demands on my time. Being an adult is too much sometimes.

I’m hoping by the time I update next, it will be a much more positive update! This is really not a fun day

Late as always…diet edition

Anyone who knows me knows that punctuality is not my strong point. I don’t deliberately set out to be late, but I just seem to have no inbuilt timer to think “probably should make a move now if you don’t want to be late”, plus despite best efforts I always forget something until just before we leave. Or, which happens more and more often these days, I leave H to get herself ready while I get ready and come downstairs and she is still in her pjs, breakfast only half eaten. So, my point is I always leave everything late/to the last minute.

Case in point, about 6 months ago I decided I was going to diet. And I did, dabbling with Slimming World, Weight Watchers, standard calorie counting, low carb….the list goes on. I was always hungry though and this made it hard to stick to. At our clinic appointment, the consultant we saw again recommended low carb for pcos, and this time with my googling I came across low carb, high fat. I started looking into it and when you’re used to slimming world and the like and the first thing you seeis things like “use more olive oil! Add butter to things! Avoid 0% fat”you do sot back and think there is no way this will work! But I am giving it another go. I’m still dubious, although I did try it for a week before I went on holiday last month and lost weight so there may be something to it. The key is, healthy fats and low carb. It won’t work if you don’t go low on the carbs. I’m definitely still working on my menu plans – sometimes I don’t do too well om the ratios of fat to carbs but generally, they’re all good! It’s a tasty way of eating, and I feel far fuller on the same amount of calories than eating more carbs. I don’t know if it will make a huge amount of difference to my health or weight in the few weeks we have until we start, but I’m giving it a go anyway!

Speaking of my health, im actually wondering what to do when we are done with all this ivf, one way or another. My dr always said the pill is how they generally treat pcos, and whilst i dont love the pill I would love to mask the crappiness that is the symptoms, so I might look into it. Hopefully thats a very long way away though. I’m also kind of hoping that all the drugs and/or pregnancy might reset my system somehow. I’m looking forward to finding out, to be honest

Stalemate and losing “me”

Time is still whizzing on by. I’ll never understand how days drag but months fly?!?!

We are now in the position that we have our loan safely in the bank ready for when we get started, but as usual things are never that simple! We have been chasing around the results for c’s karyotyping blood test since our appointment with the clinic at the end of March. I was hoping after that appointment that we would be able to get started in April, but it’s now the 21st (Happy Easter!) and it will definitely by May now. We have chased everyone we can think of, and contacted the nhs PALS service for our hospital in order to obtain these results. They’ve suggested C submits a patient medical record access request, which we posted yesterday. It’s bank holiday weekend though, so the hospital won’t get it until Wednesday at the earliest and then they have 30 days to respond. Theoretically then, we may not get a response until late May and then won’t get started until June! I’m so used to waiting and setbacks that although it’s really frustrating it almost doesn’t even register as a problem. I cannot imagine us ever being lucky enough for this to work out for us and actually getting a real live baby at the end of it, but at the same time I can’t imagine it not working either. It’s a really strange feelung and hard to explain, but I swing between feeling certain that we will have a baby and certain we won’t.

I actually had a bit of a meltdown last night (making it infertility induced breakdown number 5,557 through the past few years!!! I swear this shizz is driving me crazy). I feel like this has been such a heavy burden to live with for the past few years, and I’ve been so sad for so long, I feel like I may never be “me” again. I feel like even if we do get pregnant and have a baby…will it be like waving a magic wand? Will all the hurt melt away just like the click of my fingers? Or will it be hard, will I always have lost a part of myself? It’s something I’m worried about. I feel like I’ve spent so many years thinking “when we have a baby it will all be ok”, but what if it’s not? I don’t know what to feel or think about that. I think for now,I just have to keep on with the journey and trust everything will all work itself out one way or another.

Once I have more news I will update again