Almost Christmas!

It’s so near to Christmas now, I love this time of year. I always feel massively unfestive until I finish work though…thankfully I finish up on Thursday, so only 4 more days to go. Woohoo. I cannot wait to spend time with my family, and just not have to get up for work or spend my days rushing round like a looper trying to get school stuff/work stuff/general life organised. Also looking forward to a pre Christmas clear out, get the house in good shape in time for the deluge of stuff that H will get. Our house is nice, but small. We have the spare room (the one we earmarked as the nursery when we moved in, started ttc the month after we moved…how ironic), but other than that I do wonder where the heck we would put all the baby’s stuff, should we ever be so lucky. I’m sure that can be easily figured out though, I’d single-handedly gut the house if needs be haha. Seriously though, I am looking forward to a big declutter and starting 2019 fresh and relaxed.

Work has been manic and not much fun recently, so will be pleased to get away from that. My boss also asked me for the I don’t know what time this week if I was planning on having another kid. I totally get being asked once, or even twice…but I swear this is the third month in a row she’s asked, and at least 10 times in the past 18 months that I’ve been there. I get being asked once or twice, but its beginning to get quite annoying now, especially what with being infertile and that. My friend suggested I just come clean and tell them we are having problems, but that’s way more personal than I would like to get with my boss thank you! If we ever have a baby, like when it’s actually born, I’m not completely against coming clean then and explaining s/he was an ivf baby. In this really difficult time, though, I don’t want to make it public knowledge, or even private between me and my boss. I think part of me can’t bear that people might pity me, and part of me can’t bear admitting we can’t do something so simple – I know this isn’t true, but I do feel like we are both failures. That isn’t to say I think we are both useless, or that I blame us…or maybe I do a little. It’s very hard to come to terms with, even after all this time. You’d think almost 2.5 years from diagnosis for C, and 3years this month for me, that it wouldn’t be so hard to get to grips with. But it is. It still is.

At least now, I know that 2019 is finally the year we get started. I just have everything crossed that by next Christmas, I’ll be writing some very different blog posts

 

 

 

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It’s getting nearer!!

I cant believe I can finally write this but it is *finally* getting to the countdown for when we can get started. In the new year it will be time to start losing a bit of weight and beginning to take our vitamins and supplements to make sure we have 3/4 months built up in our systems before hand. I’m so, so excited!!!!!!!!! The savings are coming along, maybe not quite so much as I would like to have but still on target.

I’ve been semi active on Instagram and babycentre, following ivf boards and ladies going through ivf. It’s so nice to feel less alone and isolated, knowing there are real live women out there going through the same things, feeling the same feelings that I am. Feeling the same lost feelings, the same jealousy over people you dont want to feel jealous of. It’s also been hard. I’ve been following them for 18 months or more, so have seen many, many women go on to get their happy endings and some who are still trying, or who have moved on. I have found the hardest thing without a doubt has been the limbo. I still feel it now, although I’m thrilled it won’t be for too much longer now (still feels like a lifetime some days though!)I just cannot wait to get on with the next stage.

I have been following other women’s stories and I keep getting a little tingle of excitement. What if that’s me in a few months? What if I’m sharing a picture of a positive pregnancy test? Moaning about feeling sick even though I’m so so grateful for it? Sharing scan photos, picking names, buying baby stuff? I almost dont want to think about it, because what if that jinxes it somehow? It’s ridiculous. This is a dream of mine. When I dreamed of going to uni and graduating I never stopped myself from thinking of it in case it jinxed it. When I went for my dream job, I never stopped myself imagining it in case it meant I didn’t get it. Maybe I want to spend a few minutes imagining it all and pretending it will be me. It might be me! Maybe one day next year, I’ll be able to update with amazing news for a change. I hope so. I cross everything and will allow myself a day dream today.

Green Eyed Monster

Jealousy isn’t pretty, and just lately I’m feeling almost consumed by it. One of my oldest friends is just bout to pop her second baby. I know it’s ridiculous but I’m jealous of everything she has. Husband..well I’m happily engaged but can’t afford the wedding as we are saving for ivf. She has just bought a beautiful house – we are and will be renting for the foreseeable. See previous point re:saving for ivf. Second baby – well I am very lucky to have had one but she has definitely got way ahead of me having the second. Career – my job is fine, but both her and her husband have really interesting exciting jobs earning lots. I love my friend and we have been friends for, I dunno, 25 years? It’s just really hard. I know it’s not her fault she has all this stuff and honestly, I truly am happy for her, but man am I sad for me too. I feel pretty pathetic to be honest

It just seems everything is so hard for us. I’m really in a woe is me place lately, which isn’t great. Having a baby is meant to be fun and free. It’s not supposed to make you depressed and miserable, scraping around and borrowing almost enough for a deposit on a house just to do so. It isn’t supposed to make you cry, hating everyone with a baby bump and feigning indifference to the idea of more kids, when really your heart is hurting to hold your baby. It’s not supposed to put you into years worth of debt.

I’m angry. I’m really fucking angry and upset and just plain sick that we can’t just make a baby. I know we’re not the only people in this situation. I know we’re not the first, nor will we be the last, to get into thousands of pounds of debt to chase this dream. I know this. But still somehow it seems like a personal attack. Like someone has marked our card and we are being punished, what for I wouldn’t know. Maybe I’m just being a bit…self-centred? That may not be the right word for it. Thinking that we are the only people who feel this way. Of course we’re not. I’m just so lonely and isolated. I have well meaning friends but they say the wrong things. They can’t understand and that’s not their fault, but they can’t help me either. My mum is not great either. “Oh, I thought you weren’t going to bother with IVF any more?” “It’s such low odds of working isn’t it?” “At least you already have one. Maybe you should concentrate on her instead?” “Im sure it will happen for you one day. I really can’t see why it wouldn’t!” Maybe because I don’t ovulate and C has basically no sperm. Is that not a prettt good explanation of why it wont? An explanation I have given countless times.

This is just a massive, raw, emotionl rant to be honest. I’ve been holding it together really well for a few months, so I suppose it’s my regular meltdown showing it’s face. Im just foing to give myself some time to feel it and then move on. God, but do I hate this

My first plastic free purchase!

So I have a bit of a confession. I’m secretly a bit crunchy. Only a bit, but the idea of reusable items and less plastic/chemicals/junk appeals to me. I wish I could say I was actually fully on board, but alas I am a bit useless!

However, I did make my first plastic free purchase this week. I have been toying with buying a few bits for a while but I always talked myself out of it. I have just about ran out of shampoo though, and needed a new toothbrush and toothpaste and these are all things I’ve seen in plastic free shops online so I decided to go for it.

My mini haul:

It includes the following:

Truthpaste in fennel – this is pretty cool. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it but corsodyl make a toothpaste which tastes absolutely nothing like the traditional mint ones. Originally, I hated it, but I soon got used to it and actually prefer it to minty ones. This is along a similar vein, inasmuch as it’s much more “minerally” tasting than minty. I really liked it though. It was refreshing and had a nice little aftertaste, which I assume was the fennel and tasted quite aniseed-y. The toothpaste itself was more of a clay type texture, and of course it is in a glass jar so no squeezing onto the toothbrush. I like it a lot though!

Firstly…Omg how unbelievably adorable is this packaging?! I love pandas, so really feeling this. I forgot to get a photo, but the toothbrush itself is wooden (bamboo, duh!) with black bristles. They are charcoal activated I believe, regardless they were a perfectly acceptable cleaning experience and with the truthpaste I really enjoyed cleaning my teeth. Which is a sentence I don’t usually type lol.

Natural mint deodorant – I won’t lie, this one hasn’t been put to the test really yet. I will update when it has, but my initial findings have been that it is fine. I sometimes have problems with deodorants and sweat/smells so I got the mint which is apparently the “strong” one. I’ll give it a better review when I have one!

Shampoo bar – I haven’t used this one at all yet so can’t really say much other than that it smells nice, but strong. Another one I’ll update in the near future.

Scrubbing sponge – and in an entirely unrelated item, I bought a coconut kitchen scrubber. It’s apparently germ and odour free. I guess the natural fibres allow for better air circulation and so don’t trap germs and smells?! I’m not sure. It is fully compostable and biodegradable too. I’ll update this one soon too.

I ordered from the marine conservation society shop online. They sent a cool little booklet type thing with interesting info on what they do and how the ocean and life within it is affected by our plastic use. It was really interesting and a nice little read. I’m also keen to try and avoid plastics in our life and taking baby steps toward this. Im not under the impression that I’ll suddenly feel better or healthier but I do think it would have a longer term effect on mine and my family’s health. H has already requested her very own panda toothbrush, although she was quite disappointed that it wasn’t “green and bamboo like” when I opened it. I think she was expecting it to look like something a panda might eat haha. Cute.

**I don’t really make posts like this, but I feel like I should point out that I wasn’t asked to review anything and it’s all been chosen and paid for by myself**

Back on the bandwagon

After a long (long, long) time off from dieting and watching what I eat I am getting back on it from Monday. As I have PCOS, I’m trying to eat well to attempt to naturally improve my symptoms. I have read a lot about a low GI diet being good for this, so I picked up a book second hand on Amazon which I am spending my Saturday night reading. My life is far too exciting, I can tell you’re all jealous of my wild weekend!! I’ve also dusted off my old slimming world book. It’s a little out of date now but the basics remain.

So far, the two seem to conflict quite heavily, so I may just give the low GI a go first. Slimming world advocates potatoes and pasta etc, whereas the low GI plan is about limiting these foods and looking for healthier alternatives. It’s interesting that there is such a difference in the approaches actually.

It’s hard trying to eat well, as both C and H are terribly fussy and don’t like to be deprived of their junk food. Neither do I, actually!! Having said that, whilst H is like a rake she does eat quite badly, sneaking crisps and chocolate when I’m not looking and C isn’t much better. He’s actually probably worse to be fair…haha. Both of us could use a little weight off and a better diet so I think now is a great time to start. I will be coming up with a meal plan this weekend, I’m excited! I need some vegetables in my life. I’ll update with a few recipes later this week.

Fertility Supplements ahoy

I actually cannot believe it has been nearly 3 months since my last post. Where the heck did that go?! So. I’m starting to think about supplements and things in the run up to it now as you need to take things for a few months to allow them to get into your system properly before you start. With MFI and PCOS, we need to make sure everything is tip top with us both. Pcos can result in poor quality eggs and as we don’t know the cause of C’s low sperm count, we don’t know if they might be poor quality too, (little miss ray of sunshine over here assumes they’re not great, but we don’t actually know…). Anyway, we want to boost everything up really. We are taking the following daily:

1000mg vitamin C – some studies have shown this to improve sperm count and motility. For women, some studies show that it can increase progesterone. My understanding is that oestrogen dominance is part of pcos, so I guess that may help to balance the hormones?! If not, hopefully I won’t get a cold anytime soon ­čśü

Omega 3 Supplements – omega 3 improves sperm motility and morphology. Whilst we are using ICSI, motility isn’t really an issue as they inject the sperm directly into the egg, however morphology will still come into play (as far as I know?!)

Vitamin D – some studies show that sufficient vitamin d levels can improve sperm count in men and improve pcos symptoms in women. As vitamin D is made mainly by exposure to sunlight, we are all sadly lacking it in Britain (although perhaps not so much after the amazing summer we have just had)

Wellman and Wellwoman conception – bog standard conception multivitamin, containing differing levels of essential vitamins to promote a healthy fertile body leading up to conception.

I actually need to buy some more Wellwoman so haven’t included them in the photo. I got all the vitamins at good old Tesco, as I didn’t want expensive vitamins you can only buy online. I admit that this did influence what I bought!

If you’re looking into supplements for fertility I would encourage you to do your own research and draw your own conclusions. There’s a dizzying amount of info out there on fertility supplements and even the ones I am using have some contradictory advice online. It can be a bit of a minefield!

The results are in!

And in an entirely not shocking revelation, the pregnancy test was negative. 20180626_080017.jpg

I expected nothing different, although part of me couldn’t help imagining how amazing it would be to be one of the lucky ones who get a natural bfp miracle.

It’s not all bad news though. Not being pregnant meant I was able to join my friends on a girly weekend away which was absolutely exactly what I needed. So much fun, so much laughter. It was amazing to be out in the sun, having fun and no responsibilities or thinking about all the rubbish stuff. I feel like I have a whole new outlook on everything. I also have officially, finally!, been able to start saving for the big guns. ICSI we are coming for ya…just not quite yet haha.

Literally every time before this that I have almost got to the point of clearing debts and saving, my car has broken, or we needed a new fridge, or any other number of things that have put us back and put us back. But this time, fingers crossed, we are finally on track. Hopefully in 6 months we can do this. In fact, even if the saving still goes tits up, I’m just going to do it. We have waited enough now!

Onwards and upwards for us.

No news is no news

So as far as my update goes….I talked myself out of ordering any tests in the end. I still haven’t seen my old pal AF and my ‘symptoms’ have been on and off. I know I’m not, but a part of me keeps wondering, so I have caved and bought some tests online. I won’t buy from a shop because they’re too expensive when I know deep down it’s a waste of money! So I have to wait for my Amazon cheapies to arrive. I’m away with my friends for the weekend, the tests are due to arrive while I’m gone. Part of me feels bad going out drinking all weekend which is crazy because I really do know I’m not up-duffed, yet I just can’t shake the feeling. I do keep feeling sick, but more often than that I am starving and when I was pg with my daughter I just felt sick, all day everyday, from before I was even due on. So, I know that fleeting nausea isn’t really indicative of anything but I haven’t depressed myself with a ┬áglaring negative for well over a year so eff it, why not hey! I’ll get it out of my system at least won’t I.

In other news, I’m so totally ready for a weekend away. Nowhere glamorous, but a couple of days at the good old British seaside with friends and alcohol is so very much needed. I can’t wait!! And I will definitely share my no news when the test arrives. Even now I cant help thinking “May be, just maybe” and I hate myself for it, because I know I’ll just be disappointed. But what is life without hope, I guess?!

I don’t have anything else to report, so I’m signing off now!

Today I have mostly been…losing the plot.

One of my very best friends messaged me earlier to tell me she’s 3 months pregnant. I knew she would be ttc soon, so I’m not hugely surprised, but I actually cried when she told me. That’s a new one on me. Actual tears! Not sure I like it as a development.

So I cried some more then met up with some other friends who made me feel a bit better. I came home, logged on to fb and saw that an old school friend had just had a baby. She hadn’t even announced she was pregnant so it was a shock and made me cry again. We aren’t even close, I just think it was the baby bombshell this morning followed by that in the afternoon that was too much for my poor infertile brain to take.

So, there was I, feeling miserable and down but I dragged myself to a presentation thing for H’s gymnastics. It was sitting there that I realised I felt really sick. Again. I had started feeling really sick on Wednesday and assumed it was one of those things. Felt much better in the afternoon and went out for a meal in the evening. This meal was really spicy and I’m a wimp so I couldn’t eat it and then I felt quite ill on Thursday too. I put this down to the meal on Wed night. Friday I was still feeling a bit iffy, but put it down to a rollover from Wednesday still. Now today is Saturday and I have been feeling a bit ill today too. I’m alternating between being really hungry or feeling quite sick. Tonight though I suddenly thought “What if I’m actually pregnant?” The chances are basically zero and I don’t even really feel like I did when pg with H but something in my head is almost convinced. I don’t actually have any tests here (because I haven’t needed one to check for a non existent pregnancy in forever) but I have given in and ordered the cheapest ones I can find off Amazon… I’m not paying for expensive ones when I can guess the result. I feel stupid for even thinking it, but I know I won’t rest until I do a test. I’m a bit angry with myself for letting myself even think it, but I do know what I am like and I know I won’t be happy until I see a snowy white bfn staring at me, at which point I will wonder why I bothered. Such is life.

Maybe I’m actually getting a period? I do feel quite crampy. I had some really painful twinges earlier this week where I told C I might even get them checked out in case they’re massive cysts to do with PCOS. Not that I’m a drama queen or anything *whistles*. But, I have been feeling funny for a few days and I can’t tell if my period is late cos I haven’t had one for 3 months. I’m sure I am really having some kind of reaction to all the baby news I have had lately and my body is subconciously like “Hey! Maybe even you’re pregnant!” Here is a list of symptoms I have had and am reading far too much into:

*Tiredness – always tired though,So not a big one.

*Swinging between nausea and hunger – weird for me to feel sick to this extent but could be a bug

*Emotional – extra tearful and snappy. Could be pmt?

*pains and cramps – see above

*Hot flashes – this one is a bit of a weird one. I don’t have an explanation for it.

*dizziness – could be bug related? Maybe ties in with nausea.

I will be sure to report back when at arrives/I have had a massive bfn. It’s going to be a big bump down to earth I think!

I Quit

Diet coke, that is. I would say this isn’t strictly fertility related, but maybe it is.

I hold my hands up and admit that I have the worst diet coke habit. Some people will be like “me too! I have THREE a day sometimes.” I’m not saying that’s a healthy amount to be drinking, but damn, I’ll have 3 before lunch most days. I am literally addicted. In the same way that back in the day I would feel panicky if I was running out of cigarettes, or I knew I was going somewhere where I couldn’t smoke for a few hours, I now have that feeling about diet coke (I kicked the fags 5 years ago). I honestly found quitting smoking prettt easy, comparatively speaking, but diet coke? It. Is. Tough! I hate the taste of almost every other drink under the sun, so even switching it out for something else is easier said than done. I have improved as I do now try and have at least some water every day, although I don’t always manage it, but I still think 75-85% of my fluid intake is diet coke. This is not good for me. I have heard about caffeine affecting fertility, although honestly coffee and tea have more caffeine in. All those other chemicals can’t be good though, right? I really hope quitting will bring some relief to my pcos symptoms. I’ve been having stabby ovary pain all day today and yesterday so feeling quite sorry for myself. I just want to be normal, whatever that is. I also┬áhaven’t had a period since the beginning of March, so 3 months now. I was having them reasonably regularly from last summer up to March so I’m sad about this. I know naturally there’s no real hope of conceiving but I do want to be in the best possible health for ivf, and in the lead up to it too. I’ve heard a lot about making changes at least 3 months before it starts. We still have about 9 to go, but I don’t want to keep telling myself we have ages and then bang, after all the waiting and saving the time is finally here and I haven’t done anything to get myself in a good place for it.

On top of everything else, I have really slipped on the weight loss too and am feeling like a very unsexy, unfeminine, bloated mess at the moment! In light of this, I quit. Diet coke has got to go. I feel a bit nervous just typing that. Of all the cool things I could be addicted to*, I had to end up with diet coke! For goodness sake, I’m in my 30’s over here! Women in their 30’s should be elegant, chic and cool right? I have hopes that one day this will be me, but for now wish me luck, and I will report back on my quitter’ ┬álife.

 

*disclaimer: I don’t think addiction to anything is cool…but diet coke is especially lame.