My first plastic free purchase!

So I have a bit of a confession. I’m secretly a bit crunchy. Only a bit, but the idea of reusable items and less plastic/chemicals/junk appeals to me. I wish I could say I was actually fully on board, but alas I am a bit useless!

However, I did make my first plastic free purchase this week. I have been toying with buying a few bits for a while but I always talked myself out of it. I have just about ran out of shampoo though, and needed a new toothbrush and toothpaste and these are all things I’ve seen in plastic free shops online so I decided to go for it.

My mini haul:

It includes the following:

Truthpaste in fennel – this is pretty cool. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it but corsodyl make a toothpaste which tastes absolutely nothing like the traditional mint ones. Originally, I hated it, but I soon got used to it and actually prefer it to minty ones. This is along a similar vein, inasmuch as it’s much more “minerally” tasting than minty. I really liked it though. It was refreshing and had a nice little aftertaste, which I assume was the fennel and tasted quite aniseed-y. The toothpaste itself was more of a clay type texture, and of course it is in a glass jar so no squeezing onto the toothbrush. I like it a lot though!

Firstly…Omg how unbelievably adorable is this packaging?! I love pandas, so really feeling this. I forgot to get a photo, but the toothbrush itself is wooden (bamboo, duh!) with black bristles. They are charcoal activated I believe, regardless they were a perfectly acceptable cleaning experience and with the truthpaste I really enjoyed cleaning my teeth. Which is a sentence I don’t usually type lol.

Natural mint deodorant – I won’t lie, this one hasn’t been put to the test really yet. I will update when it has, but my initial findings have been that it is fine. I sometimes have problems with deodorants and sweat/smells so I got the mint which is apparently the “strong” one. I’ll give it a better review when I have one!

Shampoo bar – I haven’t used this one at all yet so can’t really say much other than that it smells nice, but strong. Another one I’ll update in the near future.

Scrubbing sponge – and in an entirely unrelated item, I bought a coconut kitchen scrubber. It’s apparently germ and odour free. I guess the natural fibres allow for better air circulation and so don’t trap germs and smells?! I’m not sure. It is fully compostable and biodegradable too. I’ll update this one soon too.

I ordered from the marine conservation society shop online. They sent a cool little booklet type thing with interesting info on what they do and how the ocean and life within it is affected by our plastic use. It was really interesting and a nice little read. I’m also keen to try and avoid plastics in our life and taking baby steps toward this. Im not under the impression that I’ll suddenly feel better or healthier but I do think it would have a longer term effect on mine and my family’s health. H has already requested her very own panda toothbrush, although she was quite disappointed that it wasn’t “green and bamboo like” when I opened it. I think she was expecting it to look like something a panda might eat haha. Cute.

**I don’t really make posts like this, but I feel like I should point out that I wasn’t asked to review anything and it’s all been chosen and paid for by myself**

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Back on the bandwagon

After a long (long, long) time off from dieting and watching what I eat I am getting back on it from Monday. As I have PCOS, I’m trying to eat well to attempt to naturally improve my symptoms. I have read a lot about a low GI diet being good for this, so I picked up a book second hand on Amazon which I am spending my Saturday night reading. My life is far too exciting, I can tell you’re all jealous of my wild weekend!! I’ve also dusted off my old slimming world book. It’s a little out of date now but the basics remain.

So far, the two seem to conflict quite heavily, so I may just give the low GI a go first. Slimming world advocates potatoes and pasta etc, whereas the low GI plan is about limiting these foods and looking for healthier alternatives. It’s interesting that there is such a difference in the approaches actually.

It’s hard trying to eat well, as both C and H are terribly fussy and don’t like to be deprived of their junk food. Neither do I, actually!! Having said that, whilst H is like a rake she does eat quite badly, sneaking crisps and chocolate when I’m not looking and C isn’t much better. He’s actually probably worse to be fair…haha. Both of us could use a little weight off and a better diet so I think now is a great time to start. I will be coming up with a meal plan this weekend, I’m excited! I need some vegetables in my life. I’ll update with a few recipes later this week.

The results are in!

And in an entirely not shocking revelation, the pregnancy test was negative. 20180626_080017.jpg

I expected nothing different, although part of me couldn’t help imagining how amazing it would be to be one of the lucky ones who get a natural bfp miracle.

It’s not all bad news though. Not being pregnant meant I was able to join my friends on a girly weekend away which was absolutely exactly what I needed. So much fun, so much laughter. It was amazing to be out in the sun, having fun and no responsibilities or thinking about all the rubbish stuff. I feel like I have a whole new outlook on everything. I also have officially, finally!, been able to start saving for the big guns. ICSI we are coming for ya…just not quite yet haha.

Literally every time before this that I have almost got to the point of clearing debts and saving, my car has broken, or we needed a new fridge, or any other number of things that have put us back and put us back. But this time, fingers crossed, we are finally on track. Hopefully in 6 months we can do this. In fact, even if the saving still goes tits up, I’m just going to do it. We have waited enough now!

Onwards and upwards for us.

No news is no news

So as far as my update goes….I talked myself out of ordering any tests in the end. I still haven’t seen my old pal AF and my ‘symptoms’ have been on and off. I know I’m not, but a part of me keeps wondering, so I have caved and bought some tests online. I won’t buy from a shop because they’re too expensive when I know deep down it’s a waste of money! So I have to wait for my Amazon cheapies to arrive. I’m away with my friends for the weekend, the tests are due to arrive while I’m gone. Part of me feels bad going out drinking all weekend which is crazy because I really do know I’m not up-duffed, yet I just can’t shake the feeling. I do keep feeling sick, but more often than that I am starving and when I was pg with my daughter I just felt sick, all day everyday, from before I was even due on. So, I know that fleeting nausea isn’t really indicative of anything but I haven’t depressed myself with a  glaring negative for well over a year so eff it, why not hey! I’ll get it out of my system at least won’t I.

In other news, I’m so totally ready for a weekend away. Nowhere glamorous, but a couple of days at the good old British seaside with friends and alcohol is so very much needed. I can’t wait!! And I will definitely share my no news when the test arrives. Even now I cant help thinking “May be, just maybe” and I hate myself for it, because I know I’ll just be disappointed. But what is life without hope, I guess?!

I don’t have anything else to report, so I’m signing off now!

I Quit

Diet coke, that is. I would say this isn’t strictly fertility related, but maybe it is.

I hold my hands up and admit that I have the worst diet coke habit. Some people will be like “me too! I have THREE a day sometimes.” I’m not saying that’s a healthy amount to be drinking, but damn, I’ll have 3 before lunch most days. I am literally addicted. In the same way that back in the day I would feel panicky if I was running out of cigarettes, or I knew I was going somewhere where I couldn’t smoke for a few hours, I now have that feeling about diet coke (I kicked the fags 5 years ago). I honestly found quitting smoking prettt easy, comparatively speaking, but diet coke? It. Is. Tough! I hate the taste of almost every other drink under the sun, so even switching it out for something else is easier said than done. I have improved as I do now try and have at least some water every day, although I don’t always manage it, but I still think 75-85% of my fluid intake is diet coke. This is not good for me. I have heard about caffeine affecting fertility, although honestly coffee and tea have more caffeine in. All those other chemicals can’t be good though, right? I really hope quitting will bring some relief to my pcos symptoms. I’ve been having stabby ovary pain all day today and yesterday so feeling quite sorry for myself. I just want to be normal, whatever that is. I also haven’t had a period since the beginning of March, so 3 months now. I was having them reasonably regularly from last summer up to March so I’m sad about this. I know naturally there’s no real hope of conceiving but I do want to be in the best possible health for ivf, and in the lead up to it too. I’ve heard a lot about making changes at least 3 months before it starts. We still have about 9 to go, but I don’t want to keep telling myself we have ages and then bang, after all the waiting and saving the time is finally here and I haven’t done anything to get myself in a good place for it.

On top of everything else, I have really slipped on the weight loss too and am feeling like a very unsexy, unfeminine, bloated mess at the moment! In light of this, I quit. Diet coke has got to go. I feel a bit nervous just typing that. Of all the cool things I could be addicted to*, I had to end up with diet coke! For goodness sake, I’m in my 30’s over here! Women in their 30’s should be elegant, chic and cool right? I have hopes that one day this will be me, but for now wish me luck, and I will report back on my quitter’  life.

 

*disclaimer: I don’t think addiction to anything is cool…but diet coke is especially lame.

The things I can change

Spring is here at last. Although it is raining and dull outside  (good old British bank holiday weather), it’s my favourite time of year. But, it makes me think of babies. Maybe it’s all the baby animals being born? Maybe it’s because I think about them most of the time, spring or not?! Well, I work loosely with animals and see a lot of notes at work about babies being born so it is even more on my mind at the moment. We are still on track to start IVF at the end of the year/beginning of 2019. Which is good!!! As usual, I am not good at waiting. Damn my impatient nature. I can feel the obsession beginning to creep in again and I’m trying hard to keep it at bay. I do NOT want to go back there.

I am drawing on something I read about recently to help me. It basically centres on focussing your efforts and energies on what you can control and trying to forget the rest. It’s called the circle of concern and circle of control. I read about it in training related to a course at work, I wish I could remember the guy’s name who wrote about it! Anyway. In a nutshell, for this situation, you ask yourself “what’s the problem here?” Obviously it’s the lack of babies and financial implications of IVF. So, then you break it down. Can I do anything about this? Can I change the cost? Not really. I could find a cheaper clinic but I think the multi cycle package we are looking at is good value, plus the clinic is our closest alongside being one of, if not the, most successful in the area. So no, I can’t change that. So it gets parked in the circle of concern. It’s bothersome, but there is nothing I can do about it so we need to take the focus off of it.

Lack of babies….I can’t do much about the fact we can’t have them, but I can save for IVF and I can take good care of myself in the run up. So, I can move at least some elements of that into my circle of control, which is something I can affect. It is helping me feel a bit more in control of a situation that is out of my control on the whole. It makes me feel more at peace with it. I’m so glad we are finally making moves towards the goal! It’s been almost 3 years to the day since we started TTC and we haven’t made any real progress towards actually having a baby or getting treatment. I am so excited to finally be getting somewhere even if we are still a long way off.

Oh, as an EXCITING aside, we recently went to Disneyland AND got engaged just afterward. It’s been so nice to have something different to focus on!! I can spend my time Pinteresting wedding ideas instead of researching ivf success rates 😁 something else to think about is helping too. I’m dreaming that one day we can get married with H and our future child in attendance. Nothing wrong with having dreams!

Am I fixed??

So today marks natural period 2 (or possibly 3) in a row. That’s one every month (ish) since june/July. Considering I had none for over 2 years this is exciting news. Is my broken body fixed? I haven’t done anything differently. I have actually put weight on again this month because I am a 🐷🐷🐷. But my last few cycles have been roughly what they were before my body gave up so has something switched inside that’s reversed it all?! Am I just on a lucky streak? I can’t believe that after all this time everything could just go back to normal. It’s so strange. I’m not sure what it is but I’m going to feed my cramping, emotional body with junk food and trash tv 😁😁😁 

It has been over a year

Since I last peed on a stick! Well, a pregnancy test one at least. We always go to a theme park for Halloween and this time last year I was writing about having to do a test just to be sure I’m not pregnant but not wanting to because I know it will be negative. Well, turns out I didn’t even bother last year because I knew it would be a bfn and I haven’t bothered since! Literally no point. 1 because I have been pregnant twice and I know I start feeling sick very early on which would be a big giveaway and 2 because with the both of our results it just won’t ever happen naturally anyway! 

I am really really keen to get this whole icsi train going right now. If I was in a better position I would borrow the whole lot and pay it back but I think if we got lucky enough for it to work first time we wouldn’t be able to make the repayments while I was on maternity leave so it’s not an option. This time next year we will be thinking about it though I hope, which is a nice thought. Mind you, my estimates for when we can start treatment have been waaay off so far, I thought it would be July next year a few months ago. I really feel like it will be never at the moment, there is always always something else that needs paying for. I’m being good though, I am curbing my spending which is a good start! Disney in March and then we can start saving 🙂 

Positivity

I’m feeling really positive at the moment. I just got a new job 🎉 and I’ve been Insta stalking people who have been getting ivf bfp’s. I mean, obviously, ivf can work. Of course it can! And does. But it also doesn’t sometimes and being the pessimistic person I am I can’t help but think there’s no way it will work. But sure it might. Why Not?! So, we are going to do a multi cycle deal where we pay for 2 full cycles and any embryo transfers. It’s going to take a little longer to save up for but lordy we will be saving for ages anyway, sure a few extra months won’t hurt. It’s a tough call though. Our clinic has pretty much bang on 50% success rates. So…one go might well do it and then we have paid loads extra for no reason. But…if it doesn’t, the peace of mind of knowing we can just head straight into round 2 when we are ready would be priceless I think, and take the pressure off a little. Also getting the transfers too, that will be nice. If we are lucky enough to have frosties. There’s probably a limit but even still, it just all eases the pressure! 

And it will work for us, one day. I’m going to remember that. Only if we get to the absolute end of our personal road will I start worrying about “what if it never happens?”, or, I’ll try at least! 

This is kind of weird, but…

For the first time in 29 months I got my period naturally. Maybe thats too much info, sorry! But since stopping my pill in April 2015 I had a period induced by norethisrone  (sp?!) In August 2016, a post-hsg bleed in the September, 3 clomid induced bleeds this year and 2 ‘bonus’ bleeds while the drugs were still in my system. I’m assuming this is a proper one, as the first time I took clomid I took it for 5 days, 2 months in a row and then had a bonus bleed the month after stopping. The next time I took it, I only took 2 tabs instead of 5 so was surprised to get a period at so. Even more surprising was the bonus bleed afterwards. So to have another bleed…i can only assume it’s a real one. It feels different to the clomid one too, although that might just be me being weird.

I’ve always had a theory my pcos was triggered by weight gain and I have lost a bit recently. I’ve got down to the weight I am now before though, and it didn’t trigger anything. All a bit weird!! But anyway. I’ve also put  on a ton recently with my unexplainable at the time but now much clearer cravings for crappy food, but I’m determined to start again on Monday with the healthy eating. 

I’m buzzing about my period, who would have thought the day would come!!!!