What a week

This has been one heck of a week. It started on Monday, when I went to the doctors and was prescribed antidepressants. Took one, but the clinic told me they weren’t ideal to take during treatment, so I could either have the dr prescribe something different or try their counselling service. I opted for the counselling, and had a session on Wednesday. I really…it seems wrong to use this word, but I did enjoy it in a way. Inasmuch as it really helped me and was so good to see someone who wasn’t trying to push positivity on me or tell me everything would be fine, but who was instead just helping me sort through my own feelings. We touched on how I feel about myself, and how I feel about my relationship and how I feel about secondary infertility. It was just really good, it helped me a lot.

Then on Thursday, we found out that we do not qualify to have refund cycles using Access fertility. This was a huge blow, as we relied on that as our cushion…like, ok we are spending thousands but if it doesn’t work we get half the money back which meant we could either pay off a lot of the debt or gk on holiday or something. Now we can’t do that. I also feel like they’re basically saying they think it won’t work for us so they’re not willing to offer a refund element as it’s a bad bet for them. I’ve found that pretty hard to be honest. I have been trying hard to be positive and feel like that’s just telling me we are wasting our time. Regardless, we are going ahead anyway. I guess it doesn’t mean anything really. It either works or it doesn’t at the end of the day!

Urgh. Anyway. We have now paid up, booked our final viral blood tests, C’s backup sperm freeze and our injection teach training session. It’s finally coming round!!

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The day I admitted it’s hard

8.30am – I’m typing this as I get ready to leave for a doctors appointment. I’m finally admitting to myself, after all this time, that I am not okay. I haven’t been for a very long time, but I tell myself I’m good. I’m strong. Everyone goes through bad times. But I’m tired. I’m fed up of being sad, with no motivation or energy.never wanting to do anything. Having terrible sleeping patterns. Feeling anxious, angry and irritable. I think that I have anxiety and depression. I’ll update with what the doctor says when I’m back. Part of me feels like a fraud though. Do I really feel bad enough to see a doctor? What if they think I’m making it up? I’m not crying all day, or suicidal, so surely I’m ok? Only….I don’t feel ok. I’m going to finish getting ready now and come back later

10am – back now. Feeling confused and crap though tbh. First off, I’m taking a few days off work and I feel guilty and useless, and dreading having to explain it when I’m back at work. I don’t like telling people things about my private life, ironically enough since I have a blog that is very open. Anonymous, though! Second, the dr told me I should probably stop taking the medication once we start ivf. Well. Im hoping to start very soon so is it worth taking? What if I take it then stop and it still causes problems with the pregnancy? I’m not sure how to deal with this.

On the plus side, he did explain that all the weird stuff I do (not being able to sleep when H is away with her dad, worrying something is going to happen to us all when we go away etc etc) is all related to depression and anxiety. Which is what I have, exactly as I thought. I also should contact the clinic, but I’m scared to in case they say I can’t carry on with treatment. This is rough 😞

The results are back!

Eeeeeek!!! Finally. The final results we needed are back with us!!!

I’ve sent them over to the clinic and contacted Access Fertility to ask what we do next. And then I guess they will send us what we are eligible for and we are ready to go. Eek. And also argh! And also yay! Jeez. Im so excited and also nervous and also just all over the place. Of course it would be bank holiday so we won’t hear back for a few days, typical.

So next step should be enrol on the access programme and C needs to go and get a sperm sample frozen as a back up and we both need blood tests to make sure we haven’t got HIV or hepatitis. Then it’s injection training and then we start.

Can’t wait to hear when we can get going, hoping it won’t be too long

Today I am not ok

Honestly. I’m feeling so bad today. I’m angry and fed up and sad and all kinds of feelings balled up together. I don’t even 100% know why, I think I have just had enough of most parts of life at the moment (not in a suicidal way, just fed up)

Work sucks. I had a terrrible day at work, compounded only by a very baby filled day. And actually, I wasn’t upset about the baby stuff. I was genuinely happy for the 2 mums and cooing over the babies in a genuine way, they were adorable. I just felt a bit sad afterwards, but nothing major. I just think the fact I’m at the end of my tether with a lot of work stuff and then that was added into the mix = a bad, bad day.

Also we are heading into starting ivf soon and myself and C just aren’t getting on much. I don’t like to write about it much, even though it’s not like many people read this, but infertility only ever seems to being other people together. Also, everyone must think I am crazy – why would I be thinking of having a baby with someone when we’re not even getting on that well? We all know about band aid babies. They don’t fix things…except, what if one of the reasons you’re so broken is that you can’t have a baby? How does band aid baby fit then?

I feel like im losing myself completely. I’m not fun anymore. I don’t smile for real anymore. Im so stressed and fed up that it spills into every area of my life and im so sick of feeling this way. I called C when I was on my way home to talk about my shit day at work. He let me spill it all out and then said “I’ve got to go” no kind words or support. He was at work but I just think, surely you could have taken 5 minutes, walked away from everyone and just said something nice, right?! Maybe I’m being over sensitive cos ive had a bad day.

I also find that I just dont feel for him the way I used to. We have times where we are the old us, and laugh and joke and feel close to each other, but mostly we barely even talk these days and when we do we argue. We are so close to starting ivf, yet I feel like its just the entirely wrong time for us, while at the same time feeling like we need to do it because I do believe it will bring us closer together again. I feel like this has pushed and tested this relationship very, very close to its breaking point. I don’t want to go ahead with treatment if I dont think we will stay together, and I think going ahead is the best chance we have of staying together. It’s a very, very odd situation.

Im also finding H is hard work. She is so needy and demanding and I think, I’m obviously shit at parenting. Why do I think id be any good with 2 when I am shit with 1? This is hard. Ive babied her so much and im paying the price now, and I worry if I did have another baby she would feel so pushed out cos id have to give the baby so much attention. At the same time, she would make such an amazing aister too because shes honestly so kind and caring.

And finally, im so fed up with myself. I put weight on and am shit at dieting. I hate how I look but im too rubbish to lose any weight. I always end up eating cakes, crisps or chocolate. Or all 3. Im just fed up with my home life, my work life and myself right now. I just want to spend a week hiding by myself, getting my head together without all the constant demands on my time. Being an adult is too much sometimes.

I’m hoping by the time I update next, it will be a much more positive update! This is really not a fun day

Late as always…diet edition

Anyone who knows me knows that punctuality is not my strong point. I don’t deliberately set out to be late, but I just seem to have no inbuilt timer to think “probably should make a move now if you don’t want to be late”, plus despite best efforts I always forget something until just before we leave. Or, which happens more and more often these days, I leave H to get herself ready while I get ready and come downstairs and she is still in her pjs, breakfast only half eaten. So, my point is I always leave everything late/to the last minute.

Case in point, about 6 months ago I decided I was going to diet. And I did, dabbling with Slimming World, Weight Watchers, standard calorie counting, low carb….the list goes on. I was always hungry though and this made it hard to stick to. At our clinic appointment, the consultant we saw again recommended low carb for pcos, and this time with my googling I came across low carb, high fat. I started looking into it and when you’re used to slimming world and the like and the first thing you seeis things like “use more olive oil! Add butter to things! Avoid 0% fat”you do sot back and think there is no way this will work! But I am giving it another go. I’m still dubious, although I did try it for a week before I went on holiday last month and lost weight so there may be something to it. The key is, healthy fats and low carb. It won’t work if you don’t go low on the carbs. I’m definitely still working on my menu plans – sometimes I don’t do too well om the ratios of fat to carbs but generally, they’re all good! It’s a tasty way of eating, and I feel far fuller on the same amount of calories than eating more carbs. I don’t know if it will make a huge amount of difference to my health or weight in the few weeks we have until we start, but I’m giving it a go anyway!

Speaking of my health, im actually wondering what to do when we are done with all this ivf, one way or another. My dr always said the pill is how they generally treat pcos, and whilst i dont love the pill I would love to mask the crappiness that is the symptoms, so I might look into it. Hopefully thats a very long way away though. I’m also kind of hoping that all the drugs and/or pregnancy might reset my system somehow. I’m looking forward to finding out, to be honest

My first plastic free purchase!

So I have a bit of a confession. I’m secretly a bit crunchy. Only a bit, but the idea of reusable items and less plastic/chemicals/junk appeals to me. I wish I could say I was actually fully on board, but alas I am a bit useless!

However, I did make my first plastic free purchase this week. I have been toying with buying a few bits for a while but I always talked myself out of it. I have just about ran out of shampoo though, and needed a new toothbrush and toothpaste and these are all things I’ve seen in plastic free shops online so I decided to go for it.

My mini haul:

It includes the following:

Truthpaste in fennel – this is pretty cool. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it but corsodyl make a toothpaste which tastes absolutely nothing like the traditional mint ones. Originally, I hated it, but I soon got used to it and actually prefer it to minty ones. This is along a similar vein, inasmuch as it’s much more “minerally” tasting than minty. I really liked it though. It was refreshing and had a nice little aftertaste, which I assume was the fennel and tasted quite aniseed-y. The toothpaste itself was more of a clay type texture, and of course it is in a glass jar so no squeezing onto the toothbrush. I like it a lot though!

Firstly…Omg how unbelievably adorable is this packaging?! I love pandas, so really feeling this. I forgot to get a photo, but the toothbrush itself is wooden (bamboo, duh!) with black bristles. They are charcoal activated I believe, regardless they were a perfectly acceptable cleaning experience and with the truthpaste I really enjoyed cleaning my teeth. Which is a sentence I don’t usually type lol.

Natural mint deodorant – I won’t lie, this one hasn’t been put to the test really yet. I will update when it has, but my initial findings have been that it is fine. I sometimes have problems with deodorants and sweat/smells so I got the mint which is apparently the “strong” one. I’ll give it a better review when I have one!

Shampoo bar – I haven’t used this one at all yet so can’t really say much other than that it smells nice, but strong. Another one I’ll update in the near future.

Scrubbing sponge – and in an entirely unrelated item, I bought a coconut kitchen scrubber. It’s apparently germ and odour free. I guess the natural fibres allow for better air circulation and so don’t trap germs and smells?! I’m not sure. It is fully compostable and biodegradable too. I’ll update this one soon too.

I ordered from the marine conservation society shop online. They sent a cool little booklet type thing with interesting info on what they do and how the ocean and life within it is affected by our plastic use. It was really interesting and a nice little read. I’m also keen to try and avoid plastics in our life and taking baby steps toward this. Im not under the impression that I’ll suddenly feel better or healthier but I do think it would have a longer term effect on mine and my family’s health. H has already requested her very own panda toothbrush, although she was quite disappointed that it wasn’t “green and bamboo like” when I opened it. I think she was expecting it to look like something a panda might eat haha. Cute.

**I don’t really make posts like this, but I feel like I should point out that I wasn’t asked to review anything and it’s all been chosen and paid for by myself**

Back on the bandwagon

After a long (long, long) time off from dieting and watching what I eat I am getting back on it from Monday. As I have PCOS, I’m trying to eat well to attempt to naturally improve my symptoms. I have read a lot about a low GI diet being good for this, so I picked up a book second hand on Amazon which I am spending my Saturday night reading. My life is far too exciting, I can tell you’re all jealous of my wild weekend!! I’ve also dusted off my old slimming world book. It’s a little out of date now but the basics remain.

So far, the two seem to conflict quite heavily, so I may just give the low GI a go first. Slimming world advocates potatoes and pasta etc, whereas the low GI plan is about limiting these foods and looking for healthier alternatives. It’s interesting that there is such a difference in the approaches actually.

It’s hard trying to eat well, as both C and H are terribly fussy and don’t like to be deprived of their junk food. Neither do I, actually!! Having said that, whilst H is like a rake she does eat quite badly, sneaking crisps and chocolate when I’m not looking and C isn’t much better. He’s actually probably worse to be fair…haha. Both of us could use a little weight off and a better diet so I think now is a great time to start. I will be coming up with a meal plan this weekend, I’m excited! I need some vegetables in my life. I’ll update with a few recipes later this week.

The results are in!

And in an entirely not shocking revelation, the pregnancy test was negative. 20180626_080017.jpg

I expected nothing different, although part of me couldn’t help imagining how amazing it would be to be one of the lucky ones who get a natural bfp miracle.

It’s not all bad news though. Not being pregnant meant I was able to join my friends on a girly weekend away which was absolutely exactly what I needed. So much fun, so much laughter. It was amazing to be out in the sun, having fun and no responsibilities or thinking about all the rubbish stuff. I feel like I have a whole new outlook on everything. I also have officially, finally!, been able to start saving for the big guns. ICSI we are coming for ya…just not quite yet haha.

Literally every time before this that I have almost got to the point of clearing debts and saving, my car has broken, or we needed a new fridge, or any other number of things that have put us back and put us back. But this time, fingers crossed, we are finally on track. Hopefully in 6 months we can do this. In fact, even if the saving still goes tits up, I’m just going to do it. We have waited enough now!

Onwards and upwards for us.

No news is no news

So as far as my update goes….I talked myself out of ordering any tests in the end. I still haven’t seen my old pal AF and my ‘symptoms’ have been on and off. I know I’m not, but a part of me keeps wondering, so I have caved and bought some tests online. I won’t buy from a shop because they’re too expensive when I know deep down it’s a waste of money! So I have to wait for my Amazon cheapies to arrive. I’m away with my friends for the weekend, the tests are due to arrive while I’m gone. Part of me feels bad going out drinking all weekend which is crazy because I really do know I’m not up-duffed, yet I just can’t shake the feeling. I do keep feeling sick, but more often than that I am starving and when I was pg with my daughter I just felt sick, all day everyday, from before I was even due on. So, I know that fleeting nausea isn’t really indicative of anything but I haven’t depressed myself with a  glaring negative for well over a year so eff it, why not hey! I’ll get it out of my system at least won’t I.

In other news, I’m so totally ready for a weekend away. Nowhere glamorous, but a couple of days at the good old British seaside with friends and alcohol is so very much needed. I can’t wait!! And I will definitely share my no news when the test arrives. Even now I cant help thinking “May be, just maybe” and I hate myself for it, because I know I’ll just be disappointed. But what is life without hope, I guess?!

I don’t have anything else to report, so I’m signing off now!

I Quit

Diet coke, that is. I would say this isn’t strictly fertility related, but maybe it is.

I hold my hands up and admit that I have the worst diet coke habit. Some people will be like “me too! I have THREE a day sometimes.” I’m not saying that’s a healthy amount to be drinking, but damn, I’ll have 3 before lunch most days. I am literally addicted. In the same way that back in the day I would feel panicky if I was running out of cigarettes, or I knew I was going somewhere where I couldn’t smoke for a few hours, I now have that feeling about diet coke (I kicked the fags 5 years ago). I honestly found quitting smoking prettt easy, comparatively speaking, but diet coke? It. Is. Tough! I hate the taste of almost every other drink under the sun, so even switching it out for something else is easier said than done. I have improved as I do now try and have at least some water every day, although I don’t always manage it, but I still think 75-85% of my fluid intake is diet coke. This is not good for me. I have heard about caffeine affecting fertility, although honestly coffee and tea have more caffeine in. All those other chemicals can’t be good though, right? I really hope quitting will bring some relief to my pcos symptoms. I’ve been having stabby ovary pain all day today and yesterday so feeling quite sorry for myself. I just want to be normal, whatever that is. I also haven’t had a period since the beginning of March, so 3 months now. I was having them reasonably regularly from last summer up to March so I’m sad about this. I know naturally there’s no real hope of conceiving but I do want to be in the best possible health for ivf, and in the lead up to it too. I’ve heard a lot about making changes at least 3 months before it starts. We still have about 9 to go, but I don’t want to keep telling myself we have ages and then bang, after all the waiting and saving the time is finally here and I haven’t done anything to get myself in a good place for it.

On top of everything else, I have really slipped on the weight loss too and am feeling like a very unsexy, unfeminine, bloated mess at the moment! In light of this, I quit. Diet coke has got to go. I feel a bit nervous just typing that. Of all the cool things I could be addicted to*, I had to end up with diet coke! For goodness sake, I’m in my 30’s over here! Women in their 30’s should be elegant, chic and cool right? I have hopes that one day this will be me, but for now wish me luck, and I will report back on my quitter’  life.

 

*disclaimer: I don’t think addiction to anything is cool…but diet coke is especially lame.