Stalemate and losing “me”

Time is still whizzing on by. I’ll never understand how days drag but months fly?!?!

We are now in the position that we have our loan safely in the bank ready for when we get started, but as usual things are never that simple! We have been chasing around the results for c’s karyotyping blood test since our appointment with the clinic at the end of March. I was hoping after that appointment that we would be able to get started in April, but it’s now the 21st (Happy Easter!) and it will definitely by May now. We have chased everyone we can think of, and contacted the nhs PALS service for our hospital in order to obtain these results. They’ve suggested C submits a patient medical record access request, which we posted yesterday. It’s bank holiday weekend though, so the hospital won’t get it until Wednesday at the earliest and then they have 30 days to respond. Theoretically then, we may not get a response until late May and then won’t get started until June! I’m so used to waiting and setbacks that although it’s really frustrating it almost doesn’t even register as a problem. I cannot imagine us ever being lucky enough for this to work out for us and actually getting a real live baby at the end of it, but at the same time I can’t imagine it not working either. It’s a really strange feelung and hard to explain, but I swing between feeling certain that we will have a baby and certain we won’t.

I actually had a bit of a meltdown last night (making it infertility induced breakdown number 5,557 through the past few years!!! I swear this shizz is driving me crazy). I feel like this has been such a heavy burden to live with for the past few years, and I’ve been so sad for so long, I feel like I may never be “me” again. I feel like even if we do get pregnant and have a baby…will it be like waving a magic wand? Will all the hurt melt away just like the click of my fingers? Or will it be hard, will I always have lost a part of myself? It’s something I’m worried about. I feel like I’ve spent so many years thinking “when we have a baby it will all be ok”, but what if it’s not? I don’t know what to feel or think about that. I think for now,I just have to keep on with the journey and trust everything will all work itself out one way or another.

Once I have more news I will update again

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Something has happened!

20190204_193941Finally. In this extremely loooooong process, we finally have something happening. We went to our chosen clinic last week for an informal chat and that went well. Because we have been waiting a while and I am a Google obsessive, ahem sorry, fan, I already knew the majority of what they told us, but there were a few things they cleared up. We also booked our first real consultation! So exciting. So that is booked at the end of March. We have also completed quite a few forms and consents online which made it all feel a bit more real. I now need to get my amh tested, which I will do at the end of the month and then we are all systems go for a new semen analysis for C and a new pelvic ultrasound for me, complete with antral follicle count, which I didn’t have before. I’m actually not really clear on how this count will help,as with pcos I’m assuming I will have a lot of those, but I may be wrong.

So we are almost ready to start at last. I’m not sure how I feel. As it has been so long, I’m sort of used to doing nothing and being in limbo. It’s beyond frustrating and has been the toughest time of my life, but it’s also safe if that makes any sense? I don’t need to worry about wasting money or injections or anything like that while I’m in the safe limbo. I am terrified of this not working. At the moment, that’s an “after” problem. Right now, we are “before”.once we start treatment, we will be “during”, and that’s one step closer to the resolution, whether it’s the resolution we want or the one we don’t. I tell myself I’ll be happy when we are done, whatever the outcome, because we can finally move on. And that is true, to a point. I do want to be over this trying to conceive stage of my life. More than anything, I want a baby. But I also want to stop thinking about babies, and if the sad reality is that it doesnt work, I want to be able to work on moving on, healing and making peace with that. I really do. But…I also don’t want to have to deal with it not working. That’s 3 cycles (or more) away though, so I’m trying not to let myself think on that. What will be will be, I guess.

The most pressing matter for now is the not insignificant task of borrowing the mammoth amount of money required. I’m really nervous of this, convinced we won’t be able to. We both have fairly reasonable credit files and neither of us are in huge amounts of debt, but we both have some debts. In the scheme if things it’s pretty low, but I feel like we will have no chance of borrowing so much. Part of me wants to just apply for a loan now to see what the outcome is, reasoning I’d much rather find out now whether we can or not than when we are just about to start. Having said that, we still want to save a bit before we borrow and if I borrow now, I wont have as much to put towards saving as I’ll already have started paying ut back. It’s a tough call!

Sometimes I wonder how my head doesnt explode, theres always so much floating around but for now, I’m going to enjoy thinking about the exciting times ahead. I might be pregnant within 6 months!!

News at last!

Well. It’s been probably 2.5, nearly 3 years since we last had anything fertility and ivf related actually happen so I’m very excited that we are still on track for starting IVF sometime in the spring. I’m literally so excited I feel sick thinking about it. Or maybe that’s nerves?! I think it quite possibly could be a bit of both. It’s just a tiny thing but I’m so happy it is something at last! 

We are going on a tour of our chosen clinicom 4th February – a week on Monday. I can’t wait and I’m hoping it will at least dampen down the overwhelming feelings I have regarding starting this process. Being able to see the clinic and meet some of the people involved will remove a little of the unknown surround everything I hope. It is always daunting to everyone, but I feel like I’ve had so many years to think through every possible scenario and feeling that might be involved that it’s almost built it up to more than it is. Perhaps that sounds silly. After all, everyone is nervous, scared and excited all in one go when they start IVF. I can’t really compare these feelings directly with other peoples experience, you only know what you know, right?! Either way, I’m feeling all the feelings and it’s still a few months til we start.

Which brings me to my second point. We really need to start upping our health game! I’ve been saying for months about taking supplements and losing weight and exercising more, yet most evening you will still find me on the sofa with a big bag of crisps and chocolate and the Netflix remote. Whatever gets you through, amirite? Seriously though. We actually do have to start this now. We could be only 3/4 months from starting, timescales permitting. I’m so excited!!!!! I will report back after the visit with my views and how it went.