It’s been a LOOONG time!!!!

I haven’t updated since I was 19 weeks pregnant back in January! I had so many problems logging in and I forgot all about it but I’ve got access back now. Warning – this us an epically long post!!!!

And boy, has a lot happened since then. I’ll try to do a quick catch up from then, starting with the 20 week scan. Everything went brilliantly, C and I were so worried something was going to be picked up. Well, I say C and I were, it’s mainly me who was worrying. It’s funny how after every scan we would turn to each other and say how the first thing we both do is check for the heartbeat flickering away. So the 20 week scan went without a hitch and I got the whooping cough vaccine. We also had a 4d scan at 28 weeks. I had originally booked it for a Thursday but this was just as lockdown was beginning to loom over us so I scheduled it in for the Saturday before. It was brilliant but as usual, little bean had her hands (and feet too, this time!) in front of her face. Still, we eventually got some quite nice pictures and again, it was lovely that H could join us too. Just after this, I think 2 days later, BoJo announced lockdown plans and as a vulnerable person, being pregnant, I started working from home. I hated working from home and when the schools locked down a week later so I was home working and home schooling….no fun! I ended up taking maternity leave early in the end at 32 weeks. Earlier than I wanted, but I was stressed out so it was worth it

Maternity leave started early and it was nice just me and H at home, as C still had to go into work as he couldn’t work from home. We got some nice bonding time together, but it was hard with months of no routine for either of us actually. Before I knew it, however, I was 39 weeks and having a stretch and sweep. I was being induced on my due date as that’s what they do with ivf where I live. At 39 weeks I had an s&s to try and get things moving naturally. I’d heard they were really unpleasant so I was really pleased with myself that it wasn’t bothering me at all. Then the midwife said that she couldn’t actually reach my cervix so couldn’t perform the s&s. I was gutted! Not only that she couldn’t do it, but that my cervix was apparently so far off being ready for having a baby. So the induction was booked for a week that day. We spent the next week redecorating H’s bedroom for her birthday and building her new bed – her birthday is the end of June and we knew we wouldn’t have a chance of doing it with a newborn! We finally got it all done on the Thursday night and d day was the Saturday…

Saturday dawned and I woke for my 5am wee as usual and in the half light I noticed somthing when I wiped – my plug was coming away. I was really hoping that meant I wouldnt need to be induced, so I called the labour ward but they said they would still recommend I go in as planned and we could assess then whether induction was still needed. Sadly they decided it was, so at 10.23am I had my pessary inserted. I was on a ward with 3 other women, 2 of whome were being induced and one who was being monitored due to contractions, diabetes complications and she was only 35 weeks gone. I spent the next few hours really fed up. Due to covid restrictions C wasnt allowed in until I was 4cm dilated (which I’m still gutted about, after all we went through it did mar the experience). I’m not even really sure why not, as I had to have a covid test 2 days before induction – why he couldn’t have had the same and joined us I don’t know. Anyway. I went for a coiple of walks round the hospital grounds and at 9.15pm text my mum to say how fed up I was, as aside from a contraction every now and then I had nothing. 10 minutes later, however, my waters broke.

After that I went to the loo and saw little brown lumps in my pad. I showed the midwife who said it looked like meconium and they put me on the monitor. I was having really painful contractions but nothing was showing up. They readjusted the monitor and eventually found the contractions being picked up and examined me and finally I had hit 4cm so Craig was called in. They said I was really progressing very quickly and it wouldn’t be long til she was here. That was about 11.45. I got my gas and air the midwives on the labour ward said I was going along nicely but my contractions were weak. I can tell you now that they hurt like hell, but they weren’t really pushing the baby down like they should. This meant I had to push extra hard and it was extremely painful and tiring. Eventually, after what felt like HOURS of pushing but I later found out was 59 minutes, Baby A was born at 1.36am weighing 7lbs 6oz. It was much, much harder as births go than with H!!! I got a third degree tear this time and ended up with a prolapsed womb too, so all in all that wasn’t ideal!!!

But, it was totally worth it and we are all completely and utterly besotted with our new baby girl who is 3.5 months old now. I couldn’t imagine life without her and I’d do it all again if I had to. She’s a little sweetheart, she sleeps well and isn’t too grumpy as babies go! I absolutely adore her, she’s mended my broken heart and I forgot just how fiercely you love new babies. Like, I love H just as much, but I’m used to how much I love her, if that makes sense?! Anyway, long overdue check in with an insanely long post which I doubt anyonewill get to the end of but if you did, thanks for reading!

It’s been a while!

I didn’t realise it had been so long since I posted an update. I’m now 19 whole weeks pregnant 😍😍😍 current bump is looking like 20200118_212623

So following from last update we had our scan at 10 weeks where everything was looking great still and then our 12 week NHS one, where we also had the screening for Edwards, Patau and Downs syndromes. Thankfully we are low risk for all of them. Then we couldn’t wait any longer and had a private gender scan at 16 weeks where we found out it’s a…..GIRL!!!! We actually were all sure it was going to be a boy so was a bit of a shock but we are all so excited. H came with us to the gender scan and it was just the nicest thing. She absolutely loved it and it was so nice to have her included in it and in sharing with the rest of the family. She’s thrilled she gets a sister and not a brother too πŸ˜‚ we also got a little sneak peek in 4d of her little face. I’m never sure if I like other people’s 4d shots but I love ours

And now I’m 19 weeks 1 day. Next up I have a consultant’s appt this Friday – not entirely sure what for if I’m honest – then a week tomorrow, 27th, is our 20 week scan where I’m hoping everything will be fine and she is still a she!!

One thing I will say, which has been pretty huge, is the anxieties I have felt with this pregnancy. I was convinced something was goong to go wrong the whole way through so far, and although I’m a little more confident now, I still find it hard to believe we will really have our happy ending. Infertility has stolen a lot from me and though I try hard not to let it continue taking from me, it is difficult. I also found out 2 other people I know are expecting around the same time as me, one in C’s family and one at work, and I did feel the same old jealousy and hurt that we can’t do it naturally and they can, which is crazy, I mean I’m pregnant right? Who cares how? I guess old scars run deep. I was also upset that after years of trying, our “thunder was being stolen” by others having babies the same time. It’s been about a month now since we found out about the other 2 and I don’t feel that way at all. Still upset about the natural conception that we can’t do, but being due the same time isn’t bothering me now, it’s nice to have people to talk to at the same sort of stage tbh!!

I guess I’m just surprised that a bfp wasn’t the magiv wand I thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled and so happy to be where we are, but the hurt is still there, the feelings of failure etc. Maybe they’ll go eventually, or maybe they’re just part of me now? Only time will tell (and maybe counselling, if I feel like I need it down the line)

Will update after the consultant and scan

9 weeks pregnant today

I’m still here, still holding on! My emotions are all over the place at the moment. One minute I’m high as a kite, thinking of baby names, looking at prams and cots. The next, I’m feeling really down, convinced I will have a miscarriage and there’s no way this will work. I’m on instagram and some babycentre forums, and I’ve seen 5 women in the last 3 weeks who have had missed miscarriages at 10 weeks. I’m terrified it will happen to me too. We have another scan booked next week at 10 + 1. Please still be with us baby 🀞❀

Finally, in what I think is the stupidest thing of all, sometimes I wonder if this was evenΒ  good idea. I know that’s ridiculous. But we spent so many years trying and I was so convinced it would never work that I think I had alkost hardened my heart to the idea of having a baby, even though it’s what I really want. Can i cope with a baby? Will I be able to handle 2 kids? H goes to her dad’s every other weekend, so we have a lot of childfree time. It’s going to be weird to lose that. I feel so guilty for even thinking it, though.

I’m also finding it hard to bond with the baby. I’m so convinced s/he won’t be sticking around I think I’m scared to. I’m hoping that once we are through the first trimester I’ll relax a bit 🀞

On topnof everything else, I feel absolutely horrendous. Nausea and vomiting every day. I have taken days off work because of it, I’m absolutely useless and spend most of my evening/time not at work laying on the sofa feeling rotten. I feel bad complaining about it, given what we went through to get here and how many people would do anything to be in my position, but it is starting to take it’s toll now. I can hardly eat or drink, everything just makes me feel so ill. I have my first midwife appointment on Monday and I’m going to mention it to her then. Part of me thinks it’s just part and parcel of pregnancy, but I never felt this bad while pregnant with H

6 weeks 3 days pregnant

I cant believe we are stil here. Still pregnant. I’m hoping and praying that we remain this way, I’ve never been more aware of miscarriages. Missed miscarriages. Stillbirths etc than I have right now.

Symptoms wise I feel utterly horrendous. All day nausea couple with dry heaving, which is incredibly attractive. I’ve had the past 2 days off work but I have to go back tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to it at all, I’m really struggling. But if that means we have a healthy little bean in there, I will take it.

At 6w1d we had a private scan where we saw the heartbeat. I burst into tears, so relieved baby is where he or she should be and that a heartbeat was there, cos I knew it was a little early so hit and miss if we would see it.

For some reason I can’t attach a picture of it today πŸ€” if I figure it out, I’ll add it later!

 

8dp5dt and a BFP!!!!!

My word this two week wait is a rollercoaster. I’ve been up and down, convinced it’s worked one minute and convinced it hasn’t the next. So I have kept a fairly brief note of my symptoms:

3dp cramps and dizziness on and off
4dp cramps, more dizziness and 1 very strong, very short lived craving for cheese!
5dp ache, rather than cramp, and boobs hurt less. Nipples not sore, they were horribly painful before.
6dpt pain/ache in uterus, boobs hurt all over, not the nipples and they feel hard.
7dpt same as above
8dpt period pain and brown spotting in the morning, although it’s fairly short lived. I was so worried I couldn’t wait any longer…and this happened!!!

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Still crazy esrly days so I’m trying not to get too excited. I’m what equates to 13dpo, so I feel like this is probably accurate, but I’m worried about a chemical especially with the spotting. So fingers crossed and time to wish and hope hard

2DP5DT

Thursday luckily went fine. I was so nervous that I had forgotten to do something important. On my trial trnasfer I forgot the part about needing a full bladder and although I definitely remembered that this time,it was still nerve-wracking.

The transfer was scheduled for midday,and at about 10 we got a call to confirm that the embryo had thawed fine and was the same grade as it had been at freezing. We also used caremaps, which uses an embryoscope. The embryoscope basically monitors the developing embryos and takes a photo every 10 minutes, which allows the embryologist/s to monitor the developing embryos without having to take them out if the incubators (are they in incubators?! I think that’s what it’s called). On top of that, caremaps uses an algorithm based on many different cycles they have monitored previously to determine which embryos are most likely to become a live birth. They grade 1 (best) to 3, and our emby was a 1. So all in all, we have as good a chance as any of this working.

Today however, both my morning utrogestan pessaries fell out at different points. My clinic don’t have a weekend contact, or st least if they do I don’t have it,so I had to just make an educated guess an reinserted 2, reasoning too much is probably better than not enough. Who knows though!!!

So anyway. Yesterday I felt ever so slightly sick, but to be fair I’ve felt sick all the fricking time since we first started this fet, so that in itself doesnt mean much!! Today I have so much cramping. I know this could mean anything, so trying to not read anything into it. Also, with my daughter I felt really sick by 8dpo which will be tomorrow, so if I don’t feel like that I will be assuming the worst. I know that’s crazy though because that’s stupid early for symptoms but still. OTD is 9th October, so plenty of time for me to lose my sanity between now and then πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

T’was the day before transfer…

Finally. So Wednesday’s scan was ok-ish. My lining was literally bang on 8mm which is what they were looking to see. So in that respect, it was all systems go. Except…not quite. I had to keep on with buserelin for a few extra days, I think to give my lining a few more days to grow. And here we are. The day before transfer. I feel really nervous that something will go wrong. I cant imagine that by tomorrow afternoon I will finally be PUPO. No freaking way. I am both petrified and thrilled about this so many different feelings and emotions. Definitely a rollercoaster. Let’s hope today goes fine

Update time

Well, it’s been weeks, again. I keep meaning to update, but there wasn’t really an enormous amount going on to keep up with. I started down reg with buserelin on 14th August, and also began taking metformin at the same time too. It was no fun at all. I was always running a bit warm to begin with…not hot flushes, and not even hot exactly, but my face always felt a bit warm and like I should be flushed. Thankfully I wasn’t actually flushed or red or anything. Other fun symptoms included ragingly horrendous nausea on and off. General appetite swings: I’d be starving and swiftly followed by having no appetite in food at all and vice versa. That’s lasted pretty much the whole time, if I’m honest. And rage. Oh, the rage. It has settled a little now, but boy was I an unhappy camper.
On 4th September I had a down regulation scan to make sure my lining was thin and my ovaries were piping down and quiet. This was all confirmed and I was instructed to start taking my estrogen protocol that day. This consisted of 1 x 2mg tablet once a day for 5 days (day 1-5), then 1 x 2mg tablet twice a day for 4 days (days 6-9) then 3 x 2mg tablets from day 10 onwards. However, on day 10 (fri 13th sept 😱) I had a scan to check my lining thickness. I was a little nervous about this, as on the rare occasions I have a period, they’re very light and only last 2 or 3 days. Not entirely unexpectedly, then, I was told I would need to increase my estrogen intake from the previously recommended 3 x 2mg tablets a day to 6 x 2mg tablets a day. My womb actually feels quite tender at the moment. I’m having visions of going tomorrow and they’ll say my lining has gone wild, instead of their wanted 8mm ots going to be 18mm or something ridiculous. Ive also been sitting here tonight thinking “did she definitely say 6 tablets a day? She definitely said double up, but did she say double up on all 3?? Have I been doing it wrong?!?!” because quite honestly my brain is completely frazzled and I’m questioning everything at the moment (not least my sanity….🀣) If I’m honest, I’m finding remembering all the tablets quite confusing and easily forgotten. I’ve had 2 days now where I’ve had to scramble to get them all taken in one day as I’ve not remembered until quite late in the day. I’m not very organised!

I’m hoping tomorrow goes well, as I am really worried about having my transfer cancelled. I’m on a forum with a few other women having a fet around the same time and one has had their transfer cancelled due to a thin lining and another has hers in danger of being cancelled as she has started bleeding on her estrogen. I’m also really nervous that they’re going to push back the transfer. I just want to get on with this now. I know it sounds ungrateful perhaps, as I’m lucky and I am actually grateful to finally be doing this IVF thing, after years of not being able to, but I am absolutely over the constant nausea, injections and taking so many tablets I feel like I rattle. I’m trying hard to focus on the end goal, but it’s difficult when you know it may not work.

I think I’m also struggling because I’m really feeling like it is not going to work after all. I don’t know why, but I just have this strong feeling like it won’t but I can’t put my finger on why. I’m scared – even though I tell myself all the time it probably won’t work and I need to remember that, mainly as my of protecting myself by not hoping too much, I also know I will be devastated if it fails and I hate the idea of going through all this again. During the fresh I was really positive. I felt positive. Whereas I just feel really unsure about this fet. I feel like I’m forgetting something really important, but I’m sure I’m not as it’s just buserelin and estrogen that I’m taking at the moment. Tomorrow, if all goes well, I’ll be ditching buserelin (hallelujah!!!) and adding progesterone instead, which I have heard mixed things about.

I’m crossing everything that it all goes well tomorrow. I think, all being well, transfer will be on Monday. It feels very surreal that we might be that close to it! Will update when I know what’s happening!

FET update

Can’t believe the time has flown by yet again and it’s been 5 ish weeks since my last post. The last post was talking about post fresh transfer, but this one is about the plan for our first ever frozen embryo transfer, although our clinic likes to refer to it as a frozen embryo replacement. Whichever you prefer, it’s time for operation bring me my baby!

We had our follow up appointment on the 7th August and the basic gist of it was that although I I overstimulated, it took the same amount of days to stim as they usually expect and my lining got to just under 11mm, and they like to see anything over 8. So all in all, the cycle went well. The consultant even called me their star performer on account of all the eggs I produced.

We then ran through the embryo gradings,which again she said were pretty much what they would expect to see. Our frozen ones are all 2.2 or 2.3’s, which don’t really sound that promising to me but she seemed pleased with them. We discussed how many to transfer and agreed that at this point it makes sense to stick with 1 embryo at a time which I’m happy with. Much as twins sounds lovely, and of course if our single emby splits that will be a blessing, I don’t want to actively overload myself haha. We signed consent forms at the appointment to this effect too.

Next up…drugs. I presumed I would take provera to induce a bleed, then start estrogen for around 2 weeks before transferring. I was wrong. For some reason I’m still not entirely sure of, I have to down regulate for my fet. I was surprised (and gutted) that this phase takes about 3 weeks, then 2 weeks to thicken the lining with estrogen 😱😱😱 If there is one thing IVF has taught me, it’s that everything takes FOREVER. Anyway, the stash looked like this
20190814_175350

Tiny compared to the fresh cycle haul, and it only cost around 200, as we had some stuff that we hadn’t used when the fresh transfer was cancelled. Since the total cost for drugs for the fresh ran at more like Β£1300, I was very pleased to see the total on this invoice lol.

And here we are. 16th August. Down reg day 3. Feeling…all right. Few period type cramps tonight and also my boobs are beginning to feel a bit tender and swollen. I’m also feeling light headed now and then which is irritating, but not really causing any real trouble. As an added treat, I’m back on metformin. Just one a day at the moment which doesn’t seem to be doing too bad on my atomach, aside from feeling a little nauseous and having slight diarrhea. On the fresh cycle I felt absolutely awful on it, but I’ve already forgotten whether I felt like that at the beginning, or only when I upped the dosage to 2 a day. I’m upping it to 2 tomorrow, so I’m sure I’ll soon find out!!!

In dreamland news, if all goes to plan I will find out if I’m pregnant in October. I found out I was pregnant with H in October, so I am sorta hoping October is my lucky month 🀞🀞

That’s pretty much all I have for now, I’ll update after my scan to check everything is quiet on the ovary feont on the 4th September and hopefully start the next stage – estrogen tablets

You got embryos?

So… apparently I suck at updating. Only 9 days late, here it is.

Well on Thursday 4th July we got the call that out of 36 eggs that fertilised, 28 were still in the running. This included a Grade 1 ‘perfect’ embryo, which the embryologist said they rarely see, 18 grade 2 above average embryos and ‘a few’ Grade 3s. We also were told a few didn’t make it past day 2, so I’m not 100% on the numbers involved there. I was so pleased with these numbers, but the embryologist said “I have to let you know that they may not all make it to blastocyst and we only freeze blastocysts. At the moment though, we’re not worried” I can tell you that HE may not have been worried, but I automatically thought the worst. What if none of them make it to freeze? What if this really has been for nothing? He let us know that they would call back on the Saturday with an update on how many made it to freeze, and that he didn’t know what time they would call, but to expect the call somewhere between 8 and 11am.

Saturday dawns and I wake up at 7 and am too nervous to go back to sleep. 8am passes, 9am passes, 10am passes…all my other updates came through before 10am and I know this means bad news. They’re clearly putting off talking to me because they don’t want to break the news. 11am passes. Noon passes…the clinic closes at 1, but I don’t want to chase them up as on Thursday they did say they couldn’t tell what time it would be. I also am nearing a nervous breakdown, so C and I agree we will call at 12.45 if nothing is heard. At 12.43 I get the call! Finally. They tell us that they have managed to freeze TEN blasts!!! 3 expanding, 3 full and 4 early blasts all on ice, waiting for us.

Honestly, I am absolutely thrilled with this. In my head – I never even dared mention it out loud because I knew it was unlikely, and such a huge ask – I wanted 10. I never thought it would actually happen though. We have honestly had such a hard journey. I know nobody has it easy, but we have waited so long to be able to start and hit so many bumps in the road, we can hardly dare to believe this can possibly still work for us. But then part of me thinks come on. We have 10 chances here. That’s like 10 months of trying naturally, but even better because we know each “month”of those 10 already has an embryo to implant. I know even that offers no guarantees, but I also know we are very fortunate to be in this position and that our chances are very good. I’m nervous but quietly positive that this will work eventually.

In other news, I had a scan on Tuesday this week. My period returned on Monday and the scan showed no free fluid in my abdomen and that my ovaries are back down to a nice size. We have a follow up to discuss our first FET on 7th August, I’m really excited and impatient to get started now!! I’m also really proud of my body. I remember 10 years ago, probably almost to the day in fact, after H was born and my body had snapped right back into size 8 jeans (no chance of that nowz sadly. Maybe a size 18!) The midwife said to me “Wow. Your body really is great at this baby thing” I mean, obviously it’s not THAT great now, but with a bit if help it absolutely smashed it. Amazing body. I’m really quite proud of it, which is an unusual feeling after spending the last 3 years absolutely hating how useless it was for not even being able to have a period like every other woman I know. I’m still not in love with it, but I have changed the way I feel about it a little at least.

I have also been talking to C and he is really keen to start buying little bits and pieces for a baby, so we can spread the cost while we still have some money. I mean, I say little bits, but he has also said if we see a pram we like on a good deal we should get it and put it in the loft. I understand what he is saying, and it would be good to grab a bargain when we see it and get organised. But! But but but..is that just insane?! We can’t shop for a baby we still don’t know will ever exist!! Can we? I know people who do start a little “hope drawer” and I do have cloth nappies I bought years ago, before we knew we would have trouble conceiving, but it just feels like a jinx. I know rationally that the universe is not looking down on couples who buy baby stuff before they’re pregnant and striking them from the list of “people who will have a baby” because of their eagerness. I know this. I also know that we can sell most stuff and although of course we will lose some money, it won’t be the end of the world. Im half excited and half terrified to start buyin! I also feel like I’ll spend a lot of time stroking tiny outfits if we start πŸ˜‚ We will see.

I guess my next update will be after the appointment now!