9 weeks pregnant today

I’m still here, still holding on! My emotions are all over the place at the moment. One minute I’m high as a kite, thinking of baby names, looking at prams and cots. The next, I’m feeling really down, convinced I will have a miscarriage and there’s no way this will work. I’m on instagram and some babycentre forums, and I’ve seen 5 women in the last 3 weeks who have had missed miscarriages at 10 weeks. I’m terrified it will happen to me too. We have another scan booked next week at 10 + 1. Please still be with us baby 🤞❤

Finally, in what I think is the stupidest thing of all, sometimes I wonder if this was even  good idea. I know that’s ridiculous. But we spent so many years trying and I was so convinced it would never work that I think I had alkost hardened my heart to the idea of having a baby, even though it’s what I really want. Can i cope with a baby? Will I be able to handle 2 kids? H goes to her dad’s every other weekend, so we have a lot of childfree time. It’s going to be weird to lose that. I feel so guilty for even thinking it, though.

I’m also finding it hard to bond with the baby. I’m so convinced s/he won’t be sticking around I think I’m scared to. I’m hoping that once we are through the first trimester I’ll relax a bit 🤞

On topnof everything else, I feel absolutely horrendous. Nausea and vomiting every day. I have taken days off work because of it, I’m absolutely useless and spend most of my evening/time not at work laying on the sofa feeling rotten. I feel bad complaining about it, given what we went through to get here and how many people would do anything to be in my position, but it is starting to take it’s toll now. I can hardly eat or drink, everything just makes me feel so ill. I have my first midwife appointment on Monday and I’m going to mention it to her then. Part of me thinks it’s just part and parcel of pregnancy, but I never felt this bad while pregnant with H

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