8.30am – I’m typing this as I get ready to leave for a doctors appointment. I’m finally admitting to myself, after all this time, that I am not okay. I haven’t been for a very long time, but I tell myself I’m good. I’m strong. Everyone goes through bad times. But I’m tired. I’m fed up of being sad, with no motivation or energy.never wanting to do anything. Having terrible sleeping patterns. Feeling anxious, angry and irritable. I think that I have anxiety and depression. I’ll update with what the doctor says when I’m back. Part of me feels like a fraud though. Do I really feel bad enough to see a doctor? What if they think I’m making it up? I’m not crying all day, or suicidal, so surely I’m ok? Only….I don’t feel ok. I’m going to finish getting ready now and come back later
10am – back now. Feeling confused and crap though tbh. First off, I’m taking a few days off work and I feel guilty and useless, and dreading having to explain it when I’m back at work. I don’t like telling people things about my private life, ironically enough since I have a blog that is very open. Anonymous, though! Second, the dr told me I should probably stop taking the medication once we start ivf. Well. Im hoping to start very soon so is it worth taking? What if I take it then stop and it still causes problems with the pregnancy? I’m not sure how to deal with this.
On the plus side, he did explain that all the weird stuff I do (not being able to sleep when H is away with her dad, worrying something is going to happen to us all when we go away etc etc) is all related to depression and anxiety. Which is what I have, exactly as I thought. I also should contact the clinic, but I’m scared to in case they say I can’t carry on with treatment. This is rough 😞