What a week

This has been one heck of a week. It started on Monday, when I went to the doctors and was prescribed antidepressants. Took one, but the clinic told me they weren’t ideal to take during treatment, so I could either have the dr prescribe something different or try their counselling service. I opted for the counselling, and had a session on Wednesday. I really…it seems wrong to use this word, but I did enjoy it in a way. Inasmuch as it really helped me and was so good to see someone who wasn’t trying to push positivity on me or tell me everything would be fine, but who was instead just helping me sort through my own feelings. We touched on how I feel about myself, and how I feel about my relationship and how I feel about secondary infertility. It was just really good, it helped me a lot.

Then on Thursday, we found out that we do not qualify to have refund cycles using Access fertility. This was a huge blow, as we relied on that as our cushion…like, ok we are spending thousands but if it doesn’t work we get half the money back which meant we could either pay off a lot of the debt or gk on holiday or something. Now we can’t do that. I also feel like they’re basically saying they think it won’t work for us so they’re not willing to offer a refund element as it’s a bad bet for them. I’ve found that pretty hard to be honest. I have been trying hard to be positive and feel like that’s just telling me we are wasting our time. Regardless, we are going ahead anyway. I guess it doesn’t mean anything really. It either works or it doesn’t at the end of the day!

Urgh. Anyway. We have now paid up, booked our final viral blood tests, C’s backup sperm freeze and our injection teach training session. It’s finally coming round!!

The day I admitted it’s hard

8.30am – I’m typing this as I get ready to leave for a doctors appointment. I’m finally admitting to myself, after all this time, that I am not okay. I haven’t been for a very long time, but I tell myself I’m good. I’m strong. Everyone goes through bad times. But I’m tired. I’m fed up of being sad, with no motivation or energy.never wanting to do anything. Having terrible sleeping patterns. Feeling anxious, angry and irritable. I think that I have anxiety and depression. I’ll update with what the doctor says when I’m back. Part of me feels like a fraud though. Do I really feel bad enough to see a doctor? What if they think I’m making it up? I’m not crying all day, or suicidal, so surely I’m ok? Only….I don’t feel ok. I’m going to finish getting ready now and come back later

10am – back now. Feeling confused and crap though tbh. First off, I’m taking a few days off work and I feel guilty and useless, and dreading having to explain it when I’m back at work. I don’t like telling people things about my private life, ironically enough since I have a blog that is very open. Anonymous, though! Second, the dr told me I should probably stop taking the medication once we start ivf. Well. Im hoping to start very soon so is it worth taking? What if I take it then stop and it still causes problems with the pregnancy? I’m not sure how to deal with this.

On the plus side, he did explain that all the weird stuff I do (not being able to sleep when H is away with her dad, worrying something is going to happen to us all when we go away etc etc) is all related to depression and anxiety. Which is what I have, exactly as I thought. I also should contact the clinic, but I’m scared to in case they say I can’t carry on with treatment. This is rough 😞

The results are back!

Eeeeeek!!! Finally. The final results we needed are back with us!!!

I’ve sent them over to the clinic and contacted Access Fertility to ask what we do next. And then I guess they will send us what we are eligible for and we are ready to go. Eek. And also argh! And also yay! Jeez. Im so excited and also nervous and also just all over the place. Of course it would be bank holiday so we won’t hear back for a few days, typical.

So next step should be enrol on the access programme and C needs to go and get a sperm sample frozen as a back up and we both need blood tests to make sure we haven’t got HIV or hepatitis. Then it’s injection training and then we start.

Can’t wait to hear when we can get going, hoping it won’t be too long

Today I am not ok

Honestly. I’m feeling so bad today. I’m angry and fed up and sad and all kinds of feelings balled up together. I don’t even 100% know why, I think I have just had enough of most parts of life at the moment (not in a suicidal way, just fed up)

Work sucks. I had a terrrible day at work, compounded only by a very baby filled day. And actually, I wasn’t upset about the baby stuff. I was genuinely happy for the 2 mums and cooing over the babies in a genuine way, they were adorable. I just felt a bit sad afterwards, but nothing major. I just think the fact I’m at the end of my tether with a lot of work stuff and then that was added into the mix = a bad, bad day.

Also we are heading into starting ivf soon and myself and C just aren’t getting on much. I don’t like to write about it much, even though it’s not like many people read this, but infertility only ever seems to being other people together. Also, everyone must think I am crazy – why would I be thinking of having a baby with someone when we’re not even getting on that well? We all know about band aid babies. They don’t fix things…except, what if one of the reasons you’re so broken is that you can’t have a baby? How does band aid baby fit then?

I feel like im losing myself completely. I’m not fun anymore. I don’t smile for real anymore. Im so stressed and fed up that it spills into every area of my life and im so sick of feeling this way. I called C when I was on my way home to talk about my shit day at work. He let me spill it all out and then said “I’ve got to go” no kind words or support. He was at work but I just think, surely you could have taken 5 minutes, walked away from everyone and just said something nice, right?! Maybe I’m being over sensitive cos ive had a bad day.

I also find that I just dont feel for him the way I used to. We have times where we are the old us, and laugh and joke and feel close to each other, but mostly we barely even talk these days and when we do we argue. We are so close to starting ivf, yet I feel like its just the entirely wrong time for us, while at the same time feeling like we need to do it because I do believe it will bring us closer together again. I feel like this has pushed and tested this relationship very, very close to its breaking point. I don’t want to go ahead with treatment if I dont think we will stay together, and I think going ahead is the best chance we have of staying together. It’s a very, very odd situation.

Im also finding H is hard work. She is so needy and demanding and I think, I’m obviously shit at parenting. Why do I think id be any good with 2 when I am shit with 1? This is hard. Ive babied her so much and im paying the price now, and I worry if I did have another baby she would feel so pushed out cos id have to give the baby so much attention. At the same time, she would make such an amazing aister too because shes honestly so kind and caring.

And finally, im so fed up with myself. I put weight on and am shit at dieting. I hate how I look but im too rubbish to lose any weight. I always end up eating cakes, crisps or chocolate. Or all 3. Im just fed up with my home life, my work life and myself right now. I just want to spend a week hiding by myself, getting my head together without all the constant demands on my time. Being an adult is too much sometimes.

I’m hoping by the time I update next, it will be a much more positive update! This is really not a fun day