It’s so near to Christmas now, I love this time of year. I always feel massively unfestive until I finish work though…thankfully I finish up on Thursday, so only 4 more days to go. Woohoo. I cannot wait to spend time with my family, and just not have to get up for work or spend my days rushing round like a looper trying to get school stuff/work stuff/general life organised. Also looking forward to a pre Christmas clear out, get the house in good shape in time for the deluge of stuff that H will get. Our house is nice, but small. We have the spare room (the one we earmarked as the nursery when we moved in, started ttc the month after we moved…how ironic), but other than that I do wonder where the heck we would put all the baby’s stuff, should we ever be so lucky. I’m sure that can be easily figured out though, I’d single-handedly gut the house if needs be haha. Seriously though, I am looking forward to a big declutter and starting 2019 fresh and relaxed.
Work has been manic and not much fun recently, so will be pleased to get away from that. My boss also asked me for the I don’t know what time this week if I was planning on having another kid. I totally get being asked once, or even twice…but I swear this is the third month in a row she’s asked, and at least 10 times in the past 18 months that I’ve been there. I get being asked once or twice, but its beginning to get quite annoying now, especially what with being infertile and that. My friend suggested I just come clean and tell them we are having problems, but that’s way more personal than I would like to get with my boss thank you! If we ever have a baby, like when it’s actually born, I’m not completely against coming clean then and explaining s/he was an ivf baby. In this really difficult time, though, I don’t want to make it public knowledge, or even private between me and my boss. I think part of me can’t bear that people might pity me, and part of me can’t bear admitting we can’t do something so simple – I know this isn’t true, but I do feel like we are both failures. That isn’t to say I think we are both useless, or that I blame us…or maybe I do a little. It’s very hard to come to terms with, even after all this time. You’d think almost 2.5 years from diagnosis for C, and 3years this month for me, that it wouldn’t be so hard to get to grips with. But it is. It still is.
At least now, I know that 2019 is finally the year we get started. I just have everything crossed that by next Christmas, I’ll be writing some very different blog posts