Green Eyed Monster

Jealousy isn’t pretty, and just lately I’m feeling almost consumed by it. One of my oldest friends is just bout to pop her second baby. I know it’s ridiculous but I’m jealous of everything she has. Husband..well I’m happily engaged but can’t afford the wedding as we are saving for ivf. She has just bought a beautiful house – we are and will be renting for the foreseeable. See previous point re:saving for ivf. Second baby – well I am very lucky to have had one but she has definitely got way ahead of me having the second. Career – my job is fine, but both her and her husband have really interesting exciting jobs earning lots. I love my friend and we have been friends for, I dunno, 25 years? It’s just really hard. I know it’s not her fault she has all this stuff and honestly, I truly am happy for her, but man am I sad for me too. I feel pretty pathetic to be honest

It just seems everything is so hard for us. I’m really in a woe is me place lately, which isn’t great. Having a baby is meant to be fun and free. It’s not supposed to make you depressed and miserable, scraping around and borrowing almost enough for a deposit on a house just to do so. It isn’t supposed to make you cry, hating everyone with a baby bump and feigning indifference to the idea of more kids, when really your heart is hurting to hold your baby. It’s not supposed to put you into years worth of debt.

I’m angry. I’m really fucking angry and upset and just plain sick that we can’t just make a baby. I know we’re not the only people in this situation. I know we’re not the first, nor will we be the last, to get into thousands of pounds of debt to chase this dream. I know this. But still somehow it seems like a personal attack. Like someone has marked our card and we are being punished, what for I wouldn’t know. Maybe I’m just being a bit…self-centred? That may not be the right word for it. Thinking that we are the only people who feel this way. Of course we’re not. I’m just so lonely and isolated. I have well meaning friends but they say the wrong things. They can’t understand and that’s not their fault, but they can’t help me either. My mum is not great either. “Oh, I thought you weren’t going to bother with IVF any more?” “It’s such low odds of working isn’t it?” “At least you already have one. Maybe you should concentrate on her instead?” “Im sure it will happen for you one day. I really can’t see why it wouldn’t!” Maybe because I don’t ovulate and C has basically no sperm. Is that not a prettt good explanation of why it wont? An explanation I have given countless times.

This is just a massive, raw, emotionl rant to be honest. I’ve been holding it together really well for a few months, so I suppose it’s my regular meltdown showing it’s face. Im just foing to give myself some time to feel it and then move on. God, but do I hate this