The results are in!

And in an entirely not shocking revelation, the pregnancy test was negative. 20180626_080017.jpg

I expected nothing different, although part of me couldn’t help imagining how amazing it would be to be one of the lucky ones who get a natural bfp miracle.

It’s not all bad news though. Not being pregnant meant I was able to join my friends on a girly weekend away which was absolutely exactly what I needed. So much fun, so much laughter. It was amazing to be out in the sun, having fun and no responsibilities or thinking about all the rubbish stuff. I feel like I have a whole new outlook on everything. I also have officially, finally!, been able to start saving for the big guns. ICSI we are coming for ya…just not quite yet haha.

Literally every time before this that I have almost got to the point of clearing debts and saving, my car has broken, or we needed a new fridge, or any other number of things that have put us back and put us back. But this time, fingers crossed, we are finally on track. Hopefully in 6 months we can do this. In fact, even if the saving still goes tits up, I’m just going to do it. We have waited enough now!

Onwards and upwards for us.

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No news is no news

So as far as my update goes….I talked myself out of ordering any tests in the end. I still haven’t seen my old pal AF and my ‘symptoms’ have been on and off. I know I’m not, but a part of me keeps wondering, so I have caved and bought some tests online. I won’t buy from a shop because they’re too expensive when I know deep down it’s a waste of money! So I have to wait for my Amazon cheapies to arrive. I’m away with my friends for the weekend, the tests are due to arrive while I’m gone. Part of me feels bad going out drinking all weekend which is crazy because I really do know I’m not up-duffed, yet I just can’t shake the feeling. I do keep feeling sick, but more often than that I am starving and when I was pg with my daughter I just felt sick, all day everyday, from before I was even due on. So, I know that fleeting nausea isn’t really indicative of anything but I haven’t depressed myself with a  glaring negative for well over a year so eff it, why not hey! I’ll get it out of my system at least won’t I.

In other news, I’m so totally ready for a weekend away. Nowhere glamorous, but a couple of days at the good old British seaside with friends and alcohol is so very much needed. I can’t wait!! And I will definitely share my no news when the test arrives. Even now I cant help thinking “May be, just maybe” and I hate myself for it, because I know I’ll just be disappointed. But what is life without hope, I guess?!

I don’t have anything else to report, so I’m signing off now!

Today I have mostly been…losing the plot.

One of my very best friends messaged me earlier to tell me she’s 3 months pregnant. I knew she would be ttc soon, so I’m not hugely surprised, but I actually cried when she told me. That’s a new one on me. Actual tears! Not sure I like it as a development.

So I cried some more then met up with some other friends who made me feel a bit better. I came home, logged on to fb and saw that an old school friend had just had a baby. She hadn’t even announced she was pregnant so it was a shock and made me cry again. We aren’t even close, I just think it was the baby bombshell this morning followed by that in the afternoon that was too much for my poor infertile brain to take.

So, there was I, feeling miserable and down but I dragged myself to a presentation thing for H’s gymnastics. It was sitting there that I realised I felt really sick. Again. I had started feeling really sick on Wednesday and assumed it was one of those things. Felt much better in the afternoon and went out for a meal in the evening. This meal was really spicy and I’m a wimp so I couldn’t eat it and then I felt quite ill on Thursday too. I put this down to the meal on Wed night. Friday I was still feeling a bit iffy, but put it down to a rollover from Wednesday still. Now today is Saturday and I have been feeling a bit ill today too. I’m alternating between being really hungry or feeling quite sick. Tonight though I suddenly thought “What if I’m actually pregnant?” The chances are basically zero and I don’t even really feel like I did when pg with H but something in my head is almost convinced. I don’t actually have any tests here (because I haven’t needed one to check for a non existent pregnancy in forever) but I have given in and ordered the cheapest ones I can find off Amazon… I’m not paying for expensive ones when I can guess the result. I feel stupid for even thinking it, but I know I won’t rest until I do a test. I’m a bit angry with myself for letting myself even think it, but I do know what I am like and I know I won’t be happy until I see a snowy white bfn staring at me, at which point I will wonder why I bothered. Such is life.

Maybe I’m actually getting a period? I do feel quite crampy. I had some really painful twinges earlier this week where I told C I might even get them checked out in case they’re massive cysts to do with PCOS. Not that I’m a drama queen or anything *whistles*. But, I have been feeling funny for a few days and I can’t tell if my period is late cos I haven’t had one for 3 months. I’m sure I am really having some kind of reaction to all the baby news I have had lately and my body is subconciously like “Hey! Maybe even you’re pregnant!” Here is a list of symptoms I have had and am reading far too much into:

*Tiredness – always tired though,So not a big one.

*Swinging between nausea and hunger – weird for me to feel sick to this extent but could be a bug

*Emotional – extra tearful and snappy. Could be pmt?

*pains and cramps – see above

*Hot flashes – this one is a bit of a weird one. I don’t have an explanation for it.

*dizziness – could be bug related? Maybe ties in with nausea.

I will be sure to report back when at arrives/I have had a massive bfn. It’s going to be a big bump down to earth I think!

I Quit

Diet coke, that is. I would say this isn’t strictly fertility related, but maybe it is.

I hold my hands up and admit that I have the worst diet coke habit. Some people will be like “me too! I have THREE a day sometimes.” I’m not saying that’s a healthy amount to be drinking, but damn, I’ll have 3 before lunch most days. I am literally addicted. In the same way that back in the day I would feel panicky if I was running out of cigarettes, or I knew I was going somewhere where I couldn’t smoke for a few hours, I now have that feeling about diet coke (I kicked the fags 5 years ago). I honestly found quitting smoking prettt easy, comparatively speaking, but diet coke? It. Is. Tough! I hate the taste of almost every other drink under the sun, so even switching it out for something else is easier said than done. I have improved as I do now try and have at least some water every day, although I don’t always manage it, but I still think 75-85% of my fluid intake is diet coke. This is not good for me. I have heard about caffeine affecting fertility, although honestly coffee and tea have more caffeine in. All those other chemicals can’t be good though, right? I really hope quitting will bring some relief to my pcos symptoms. I’ve been having stabby ovary pain all day today and yesterday so feeling quite sorry for myself. I just want to be normal, whatever that is. I also haven’t had a period since the beginning of March, so 3 months now. I was having them reasonably regularly from last summer up to March so I’m sad about this. I know naturally there’s no real hope of conceiving but I do want to be in the best possible health for ivf, and in the lead up to it too. I’ve heard a lot about making changes at least 3 months before it starts. We still have about 9 to go, but I don’t want to keep telling myself we have ages and then bang, after all the waiting and saving the time is finally here and I haven’t done anything to get myself in a good place for it.

On top of everything else, I have really slipped on the weight loss too and am feeling like a very unsexy, unfeminine, bloated mess at the moment! In light of this, I quit. Diet coke has got to go. I feel a bit nervous just typing that. Of all the cool things I could be addicted to*, I had to end up with diet coke! For goodness sake, I’m in my 30’s over here! Women in their 30’s should be elegant, chic and cool right? I have hopes that one day this will be me, but for now wish me luck, and I will report back on my quitter’  life.

 

*disclaimer: I don’t think addiction to anything is cool…but diet coke is especially lame.