Positivity

I’m feeling really positive at the moment. I just got a new job 🎉 and I’ve been Insta stalking people who have been getting ivf bfp’s. I mean, obviously, ivf can work. Of course it can! And does. But it also doesn’t sometimes and being the pessimistic person I am I can’t help but think there’s no way it will work. But sure it might. Why Not?! So, we are going to do a multi cycle deal where we pay for 2 full cycles and any embryo transfers. It’s going to take a little longer to save up for but lordy we will be saving for ages anyway, sure a few extra months won’t hurt. It’s a tough call though. Our clinic has pretty much bang on 50% success rates. So…one go might well do it and then we have paid loads extra for no reason. But…if it doesn’t, the peace of mind of knowing we can just head straight into round 2 when we are ready would be priceless I think, and take the pressure off a little. Also getting the transfers too, that will be nice. If we are lucky enough to have frosties. There’s probably a limit but even still, it just all eases the pressure! 

And it will work for us, one day. I’m going to remember that. Only if we get to the absolute end of our personal road will I start worrying about “what if it never happens?”, or, I’ll try at least! 

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This is kind of weird, but…

For the first time in 29 months I got my period naturally. Maybe thats too much info, sorry! But since stopping my pill in April 2015 I had a period induced by norethisrone  (sp?!) In August 2016, a post-hsg bleed in the September, 3 clomid induced bleeds this year and 2 ‘bonus’ bleeds while the drugs were still in my system. I’m assuming this is a proper one, as the first time I took clomid I took it for 5 days, 2 months in a row and then had a bonus bleed the month after stopping. The next time I took it, I only took 2 tabs instead of 5 so was surprised to get a period at so. Even more surprising was the bonus bleed afterwards. So to have another bleed…i can only assume it’s a real one. It feels different to the clomid one too, although that might just be me being weird.

I’ve always had a theory my pcos was triggered by weight gain and I have lost a bit recently. I’ve got down to the weight I am now before though, and it didn’t trigger anything. All a bit weird!! But anyway. I’ve also put  on a ton recently with my unexplainable at the time but now much clearer cravings for crappy food, but I’m determined to start again on Monday with the healthy eating. 

I’m buzzing about my period, who would have thought the day would come!!!! 

Taking time out.

In the absence of anything hapoening anytime soon for us, I am trying to make time for myself. I love reading. I always have and I always will. I’ve bought a lot of books over the last couple of years that have been fertility/pcos/IVF related and, to be honest, these are not fun reads. Particularly the IVF ones. Whilst I am sure I will appreciate them far more nearer the time, right now they are like….like they’re written in another life. For future us. Who know about injections and egg retrieval and embryo transfers. Right now, it seems entirely foreign. It doesn’t make me feel better or make anything seem easier. I need to lose myself in other things. I need to think about other things. I’ve been here before and I know I will soon be suckered back into all things IVF, but until we are nearer the time I do need to make a concentrated effort to think about something else and occupy myself. 

We went trampolining yesterday, for someone else’s birthday. It was so much fun. All 3 of us were grinning and laughing so hard. I want more days to be like that! This sounds so, so awful, but sometimes I feel more wrapped up in ‘the baby that isn’t’ than the one who already is. And she is fabulous. Funny and kind, sweet and beautiful – and a pain in the bum and also my world. She deserves more of my attention and I feel like a terrible mother that sometimes what is happening in my head affects how I interact with her. I try not to be too harsh on myself, because this is TOUGH and I’m not perfect, but I really need to try and focus on what I have, rather than what I don’t.

Oh…

And due to 2 close family birthdays this month my slimming world adventures have been a disaster this week. I’m pretty annoyed with myself really, but tomorrow is another day and I’ve got everything prepared for it to be a good day! It’s like eating junk once on Wednesday for the first birthday has awakened and absolute beast inside me. I’m so hungry! I want all the junk! I’m ending today with cake and then starting again tomorrow 🙂 

Waiting is long

This is almost a genuine image of me right at this moment. I’m a little chubbier, but otherwise, spot on. I have downloaded a spiffy little countdown to my phone, which doesn’t do much to lift my spirits but I am looking forward to seeing it countdown!!! 

So many babies everywhere. School has started again and we live right next to one, so it’s babies and bumps everywhere I look on the way to work now. It will be our turn soon though! I’ve been checking out our (eventual) clinic’s stats and they are at about 46% for my age group. That’s really good going and it’s our local clinic too, so it’s only 20/30 mins away so not too daunting to visit regularly. I feel like….I feel like I am done with all the feelings really!! It’s been so long trying and so long til we can do anything, I feel like I exist in some weird limboland nobody else seems to inhabit. Most people I speak to online are either nhs funded so it’s slow but moving, or privately paying and doing it now. Couple that with the fact that we are lucky enough to have H in our lives and we do seem like a couple who don’t quite fit anywhere! But that’s okay, it just still seems quite isolated at times. 

Also, can I just talk about internet advertising for a moment here. Random, I realise but still. I have noticed recently my ads seem to have crept from fertility things to pushchairs and cots. What gives?! Someone has a messed up algorithm (Sounds painful…hehe). 

So, as usual, I have nothing to update. Quelle surprise. In unrelated news, we have booked Disneyland again though. I cannot wait!! If we factor out both the Disney trips and the dog that we have had, we would actually be more than halfway saved for IVF. But, as mentioned before, I think there needs to be a balance when you’re saving up. I feel like, particularly with H, it’s not fair for her to not have a holiday or anything. We already only go every 2 years anyway, so I think that’s a fair compromise. 6 months to go for that woohoo. We are just creeping in before they stop the 25 year celebrations, I am looking forward to seeing it. 

So, in a nutshell – waiting, saving and looking forward to Disneyland!

And the babies have arrived!

Not mine, obviously! C’s cousins both announced within weeks of each other early this year that they were expecting and they are both here now. And beautiful they are too. Gorgeous baby boys, who, despite only being about 4 weeks between them will actually grow up to be in different school years. Funny how that can be. Both mummies and babies doing well and it’s all very exciting. But. Of course. It is also a little bit shit too. I’m trying very hard to not let myself be completely consumed by this shit shower that is infertility and being too broke to do anything about it for the very far foreseeable future but it isn’t always easy. And I tend to only blog about it when I’m feeling crap so probably makes it seem to any reader that I am always negative and miserable but I’m not (honest!). And sometimes I think it’s ok to accept that you feel like crap sometimes. It’s hard. It’s miserable. And the never knowing if you will eventually be lucky enough to have a baby or not is the absolute worst thing. If someone was able to say “it’s gunna take 5 cycles of ivf but you will eventually be successful” or “i know it’s awful to deal with but it’s just never going to happen for you” or even “surprise mo fo’s!! You win the infertility jackpot and get preggo naturally, but it will take another year!” Then it would be oh so much easier to deal with. Some people say it’s the surprises that make life worth living and in some cases I absolutely agree but I would 1 billion percent like it to not be like that for this. 

But, sadly, these things are not things I can control at all. Something I can control, however, is doing something about my weight. My target is officially 1 stone off, although secretly it is 1 stone and 5lbs, which will put me squarely back to where I was before all of my huge weight gain. I’ve already lost a stone from my heaviest, but it has been up and down over the last 2 years. Happily, I am already half a stone down. Happy days!!! So, plan of action is 1. Lose weight 2. Save. And save. And save. 3. Get a super lucky first round positive ivf success. I’m all over this.