Nothing is under control….and I am learning to love it

Well….maybe not love it. Maybe just to let it go a little bit!! 

So. I have a confession. I never thought I would see the day but I have become a bit of a control freak in my old age. Actually, that may be taking it a little far but I am definitely veering that way! Im not sure how it happened as I used to be the most laid back person ever. But, I have always wanted to know the ins and outs of everything. I always have loads of questions whenever I learn something new  I know I drive people a little crazy because I don’t just want to know the answer, I want to know why that’s the answer. I prefer to call it inquisitive, but whatever.

Anyway, the point is, I love knowing the answer and why it’s the answer and the same applies to thinking about IVF. C always say that basically we have a 50/50 chance. It either works….or it doesn’t. I can’t help but look more in depth, at different clinics and results for different age groups. I want to know results for people with our similar set of circumstances. I want to know what can help it to work, as well as what may contribute to it failing. I can’t just let it lie, which is why, over a year after finding out we need IVF and still not even slightly close to doing it, I drive myself insane looking at all of this information.

But….knowing all the answers (ok, sort of having a vague idea more like), won’t make a difference to the outcome. It will work, or it won’t. Luckily for us, our most local clinic is also one of, if not the, best in the area. Which is handy! I’m looking at that as a positive 🙂 got to take them where they come really in this joy that is trying to conceive when the odds are stacked. But really, I am learning to let things go. Which is tough, but nothing is under control, no matter how much research I put into it. Curve balls come out of the left field and there is nothing anyone can do about it. 

A woman I used to work with recently had a family tragedy on a perfectly normal day out and it really makes you think about things from a different perspective. This is a lady who, as much as I hate to admit it, I used to be very jealous of. She had everything, you know, nice house, loads of money, loads of holidays, perfect little family unit. But that didn’t stop an awful thing happening (rationally, I know, why would it?). So I have to remind myself that yes, having a baby seems like such a huge piece of my life I am missing, but it’s not like life is a tick list and once you’ve ticked all the things off, baby, husband, house, new car…that isn’t when life suddenly becomes perfect. It’s not like you get the full house and nothing is ever crap again. 

I am turning more Zen and this shall be my new motto

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The conversations of women

I work in a predominately female office. What this means is that some things are inevitably talked about in more detail and more frequently than they may be in other workplaces. Unsurprisingly, periods, contraception and babies/pregnancy are high on these lists. Some kind of baby fever seems to be sweeping the office at the moment. Of course, as the only person on the team who has actually had a child, people naturally ask if I have ever thought about having another. My response is, without fail, to pull a face and pretend the idea is as appealing as sticking my head in a pile of horse poo. It isn’t the fault of the women I work with. Of course is isn’t. It’s a perfectly innocent question when the subject raises. Can you imagine the faces of everyone if I told them the truth:

“Well actually, Susan, thanks for asking me this. I’ve been struggling with the fact that my womb is stubbornly and, it feels, eternally empty as not only does my partner have a severely low sperm count, but my body point blank refuses to actually ovulate unless I spend 40 quid on drugs to make it do what everyone else’s does without thinking, and for free. So, currently, we are looking at saving thousands of pounds up just to have any hope whatsoever of having a baby. And actually, Susan, it breaks my heart every single day that we can’t do what everyone else does accidentally, or after a month off of the pill, or whilst still using contraception. It breaks my heart that when (please when!) we do have a child, it won’t be made the good old-fashioned way, rather it’s beginnings will be cold and sterile and outside of my body. Susan, some nights I lay awake for hours, researching ivf clinics and success rates and costs, and working out where we may be able to cut costs to save for ivf yet also have enough money to make sure H doesn’t go without days out and treats. My anxiety levels sky rocket and I feel useless, unfeminine, and so very very alone in this situation. So perhaps before asking questions you should stop and think what people may be going through and consider that actually, your question is forcing me into a sad and uncomfortable situation” Susan’s face will drop and her mouth will open, and a silence will echo off the four walls of the office as everyone digests what I have just said…. but I will never say this to Susan, because she doesn’t know my situation and she’s just including me in the conversation. It’s not Susan’s fault  (And neither is it mine, or C’s, although some days it is very hard to remember this) but I wish people didn’t ask, and I could stop pretending that having a baby is the last thing on my mind, when really I ache to carry a baby and hold a newborn in my arms. 

I am on Facebook, and forever see people sharing posts on things that are “ok” to shout about. You can tell everyone you are depressed now. That’s ok, people respect you for dealing with depression. You can shout about your fibromyalgia, your diabetes, arthritis…Well, maybe not shout about, I just mean it’s ok to let people know this stuff, whereas infertility is a bit of a dirty secret. You’re not meant to talk about it. Maybe one day, if we ever make it out of the other side of this, I can be more vocal about it but it’s too raw and emotional and close to the heart to talk about now. People aren’t supposed to have problems getting pregnant. Nobody wants to hear about that sort of thing. It all contributes to you feeling like the only one, isolated in these feelings. I know I’m not the only woman with pcos, that we’re not the only couple struggling to conceive, but it can certainly feel like it at times. C went to school with 2 women who are going through IVF (which seems a lot to me, personally! What were they doing at that school?!) But I know nobody at all. Not a single soul, so I do feel as if I am the only person I have ever met who can’t just have a baby! It is a hard thing to deal with. 

There is nothing else going on with us at the moment. I have been looking at clinics again but I just find it makes me anxious and treatment is still so far away that I’m not going to wind myself up! I have been looking into managing my PCOS naturally again and have ordered a couple of books on the subject. I love, love, love to read so am looking forward to those arriving and taking some steps to a healthier me. I’m determined when we get to IVF that I have myself in the best possible shape going into it and starting now gives tons of time to sort myself out. Also, my mum has promised to give me a few quid to treat myself to new clothes when I reach my target weight, and who doesn’t love new clothes? Well actually, me at the moment cos I feel fat, but that’s beside the point 🙂