The things I’m thinking today…

This time 8 years ago I was 39 weeks and 1 day, according to my Facebook memories. In 8 days, beautiful H would be born and I would be a mummy! I know that I have something many women never get to experience, or they wait years and years to experience. I am ever grateful that despite all the shit, my actual ttc journey with H was easy…although it took 9 months, which felt like an age back then! Funny to think that now, when it’s been 3 times that long now and will be at least 18 months before we even get to try ivf for the first time which may or may not work. 

I’ve been watching some ladies on YouTube who have been through ivf. The thing that always strikes me is they are so brave and even when it all goes wrong they pick themselves up and keep going. It’s inspiring to see and it’s made me feel so much more positive about everything. Yay for technology. 

I wonder what it was like for couples before who couldn’t have kids. Before medicine and science took over. They wouldn’t have had scans or semen analyses. They wouldn’t have known why they weren’t getting pregnant. Would that have been easier? Never knowing, but hoping that one day it might happen? I don’t know…i think on one hand if you don’t get told the shitbomb that is you have no real hope of conceiving then you may always have that bit of hope, and hope is a beautiful thing. On the other hand, might it feel a bit useless never knowing why it’s not happening? Not that there was any choice in it back then, of course. You couldn’t decide if you wanted to find out or not, it just was. Then there was no other option either. No IUI,  no ivf, no icsi…it truly is amazing what we can do these days, even if none of it is a guarantee. Of course, there were no internet forums, no YouTube..I imagine that was isolating. It’s hard now, even when thanks to the internet we can read and see thousands of other women’s stories from across the globe, women who are in the same situation, women who have the same feelings…but it’s still hard ‘in real life’. I’m really grateful to be living with this in a time where there is so much to be done and so much support too. 

Talk, talk and talk some more

That would definitely be my advice to people dealing with infertility. It’s also advice I need to take heed of. Relationship wise, this is. I suppose it’s the same even without infertility to be honest. But I am very guilty of bottling everything up and then losing it over something pretty small. As I did today. On a walk through our village #awkward. Anyway. I don’t know why I don’t talk more often to C, cos 98% of the time he makes me feel a million times better. Life is hard, for everyone but as BT wisely told us sometime in the 90’s, it’s good to talk

We have a definitive plan.

I know. It’s plan z or something now. But I feel really positive as C and I really spoke about IVF tonight. Usually I am flapping around about it and he just says we will do it one day and that’s the vague end of discussion. But tonight we have decided we are almost certainly going to go for a 3 cycle package and will put bits away here and there while we can but next year both of our current major financial commitments will be paid off and we can throw ourselves into saving with gusto. We have also agreed to save most but  borrow some, just because otherwise I will be getting a bit long in the tooth, ivf wise. Plus the fact that all this waiting is already driving me insane, and we have another 18 months-2 years to go! Argh. I still cannot believe it is going to take so bloody long to save up but that’s the way it is I guess. 

I am also back on clomid. I wrote a while back about starting it again – I didn’t start it that day but it was around then. Th I have completely forgotten when, and I keep forgetting to take ovulation tests too so well done me! Not that it really matters, but I figure, unless my understanding of maths is utterly useless that ok, we have less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally and we accept it’s extremely unlikely. However, even a 0.1% chance, which sounds basically impossible, means that 1 in every 1000 couples with our diagnosis will get pregnant. Which is tiny, I know. BUT 1 in 1000 sounds far more optimistic that 0.1% doesn’t it?! I actually have no idea if I am understanding that right?! Who knows. Still, it’s a comforting thought for now 😀