It’s that time of year again….

Where fb shows me glorious pictures of my extremely pregnant belly from 8 years ago. I love these pictures. I have some friends who barely took any photos, or those who didn’t put them on facebook (which, by the way, I completely understand.) A lot of people think it’s oversharing, which maybe it is… I am fully clothed though!! Anyway, my point is, if I hadn’t put them on Facebook I would never see them as the only other place they were was my phone and my phone from 2009 is long gone to the phonemaker in the sky! So this time of year right up until the end of June when she made an appearance, fb will be showing me weekly updates of my belly. This is today’s. 

This time 8 years ago I was 36 weeks pregnant. Looking at this makes me feel a few emotions. I’m happy remembering being pregnant and not far from meeting my baby. I was 23 and felt like I was definitely ready to become a mother and if you read my last post, I had wanted this for a long time. I absolutely loved going baby shopping and my mum and I spent many weekends buying stuff for her. It was such a lovely time. My mum was my rock as, also mentioned in my last post, dd’s dad was pretty crap. I spent a lot of time with her and she still mentions going to babies r us together and how nice it was. Much less often now since the ivf bombshell though, so gotta say thanks for the tact there mumma! 

Those pictures also make me feel sad. This is the first year I have felt like this seeing them. This time last year was pre ivf crapola so although we had been trying over a year we had no reason to believe we were dealing with anything a bit of clomid wouldnt fix. If we were a couple with no fertility problems I would have had a whole bunch more photos like this by now. We actually planned on having 3 kids, C and I did. So H plus two more…if things weren’t so rubbish we might even be starting to take our second bunch of pictures! But obviously things aren’t so simple as that. There’s also the feeling of “What if I never get to take these type of photo again?” It’s a real mixed bag, seeing these again. But, ultimately, it is the happy memories that win out. My beautiful girl. 

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Random thoughts

I have had a couple of days of pondering really. Not like anything else much is going on…aside from a very small (but getting bigger) puppy who has stolen my heart, causing chaos. Other than that, business as usual with small and wild H, full time work and general life going on. 

Anyway! Recently a girl I went to school with had a baby. I did find it a little upsetting to begin with when she said she was pregnant – I really wish that seeing randomers on social media that I don’t really even speak to anymore announcing pregnancies didn’t bother me, but it does. Anyways. The point is I felt the usual gut punch when she announced it, but actually, she has been ttc for years and years with a couple of mc’s on the way. And she conceived her first with the same partner without even trying, so it really goes to show that even people who have no trouble first time round aren’t always so lucky second time. I guess this also made me think that it isn’t always hopeless. As far as I am aware they conceived naturally but it still took around 4 years I think. So we may take years but it doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen for us either.

Which brings me to my second pondering…the Big M. Remixing Sam Smith ‘I DO have money on my mind, money on my mind, cos IVF is damned expensive….’it puts me off majorly. So much money and no guarantees and neither of us are raking it in at work (sadly…). But then almost everyone I know spends thousands on family holidays. And although theoretically they are far more likely to value for money based on money spent vs experiences gained from the holiday, there’s no guarantees.  It may rain the whole time. They may catch a bug. They might end up getting the flu while they’re there and being miserable. A girl I work with is paying off her 3.5k credit card bill to go on holiday. Would I put that on a credit card? Not a chance. But it’s still just money. It’s our only option and it’s time I stopped bricking it every time I think about the money and getting on with being positive. 

I suppose the thing about this blog is I end up repeating myself a lot 😂. Sorry about that! It’s just the same themes are basically constant in my mind so there isn’t much else to talk about. I will try and stretch it a bit though so let’s think. 

Clomid – I took in January and February and got a ‘freebie’ period from what I can only assume is the drugs being in my system still at the end of March. Nothing since, but I do have 2 months in the cupboard so I will start those again, possibly even today (why not hey?) My body doesn’t ovulate alone so it’s obviously given up again. I would love to know why it’s given up but I’m working on losing weight to get to a point where I had natural periods. I’m only 10 stone so 7lbs under my healthy bmi weight but naturally I was extremely slim so I’m still a couple of stone heavier than I used to be. Losing weight is hard though, but I’m 3lbs down this week so that’s a good start at least! Weekends are tough though so the least said about that the better 🐷🐷

I’m sure I already updated this but C’s genetic results were fine when they eventually came back. I’m trying to convince him to lose a bit of weight too as that can help with sperm count but he isn’t keen. He’s not massive either but if we both dropped a stone we would be better for it I think. He doesn’t drink or smoke though, so I feel bad depriving him of his food! The upshot is of course that we can at least try naturally so once I crack open the clomid we will give it another go. You never know!

Lastly, IVF wise I’m still unsure between trying mild as I have pcos and more likely to overstimulate or just bite the bullet and go for full on..odds favourable on the full ivf but financially, although I’m convinced on the idea of having to cough up for ivf I can’t help but fancy the cheaper* version. We’ve decided to just save up 5 grand and decide from there. If we decide to full on my mum will lend us the extra so we won’t have to wait any longer and if we go for mild we should just about have it covered with that so I’m comfortable with that plan. We’re also saving for Disney next year, paying off debts and I want to go part time in around a year, so not asking for much really to save 5k 🤑

I think that’s about all really.  I’ve tried to not be so whiny this time as it’s boring to re-read myself so no fun for a reader 😆 if indeed anyone does read this…even if not, it will be nice to have something to look back on with a different tone haha

* cheaper. Still costs a bomb

Guess I was a Fool…

In my head right now I have some late 90s early 00s Another Level song through my head with that title (man, I loved Another Level back in the day!) But yes. I guess I was a fool for thinking that I was over the whole baby/ttc thing. I have been creeping the odd Google in lately and thinking about how long it will take to save up for it. Saving is hard. I have never been particularly good at it, and neither is C. I mean if we book and the holiday or whatever then we make sure we have the money but for anything else…it’s a bit more hazy! So it sure seems like a mammoth task to think of saving 5k. 5 freaking k. And that’s still probably not going to cover it. AND there is still, after all that, a real possibility it won’t work.
I swing wildly between being convinced that it would work, “why wouldn’t it? I’ve had a baby before so I know my body knows what to do. I’m still (reasonably) young. So why not?” But then the devil on my shoulder sneers at me “why WOULD it work? You guys are never lucky. Nothing ever goes right for you” (My devil is a bit of a whiny little bitch if I’m honest…) “Remember all those things you have read about people spending thousands and thousands, 10 rounds of ivf later still no baby? That will be you, that will” then angel is back “hmm yes…but also remember all the things you read where it DOES work? First or second time. Why not? Apparently in 3 cycles, 80% of couples will have had a baby” It’s a fun little argument that my brain likes to relive with increasing frequency. And next year seems a million miles away. I just want to get on with it. If it fails that will be awful.but at least we will be doing something. Limbo land sucks! 

In other news, H has been doing awesome things with her dancing lately. She’s so good. Definitely doesn’t take after me there with my zero sense of rhythm and coordination. I have a week off at the end of the month to spend with her and my new furbaby, I can’t wait for that. Definitely going to spend some quality time together, working full time is so crap when it comes to being a parent. Which takes me back to the old part time v full time argument in my head too….Sometimes I just wish my brain would pipe down.

Anyway. I thinks that’s about it for now! Maybe next time I will have something more exciting to talk about!