Getting my shizz together

So I have been quiet recently. Nothing much has changed. We still have no genetic resultd and we are still saving up painfully slowly for treatment, so there really isn’t much to say!

I have been trying to let things go a bit though. It has been 4.5 months since we found out we needed IVF and it has been awful. But, I feel like things are starting to be less crappy now. For so long I have been so angry and upset about how unfair it all is. Last night I was dreaming about it all too, ivf conversations and people who can just have babies at the drop of a hat. My ex friend (not because of any of this I have to add though!) just announced she is pregnant with her 7th kid. And her and her partner have cheated on each other and split up twice this year. You can’t help but think on that one, but their life is not my business. That also leads me on to my main point about letting shit go. Life is not fair. Never has been, never will be. It isn’t fair for anyone. So yeah, it really sucks that we can’t have babies the good old fashioned (& free!) way but no matter how much I dwell on it or rage about it, it is what it is. I’ve been working really hard to stop feeling so crappy about the hand we have been dealt. I also struggle with anxiety and depression, which I think hasn’t helped. But from now on, I am going to be trying so hard to be less negative across everything. I don’t know that I will be posting much for a while, maybe the genetics results but really, we have nothing going on until we save up now and that’s looking to be about 9/10 months away. We will see…i’m going to leave my new mantra here though. This is how I am going to try to live now, making the positive choice 🙂 

It’s a rollercoaster all right!

And as usual I have had some crappy days. That is life now, I think it is time to stop chasing the ‘forever happy’ dream as it isn’t reality!!!

This morning I was raging against everything. Then a switch flicked and I just thought “everything WILL be ok”. I have no idea if IVF will ever work for us, but if it doesn’t life will carry on. We are lucky that I have dd so we do at least have a child in our lives. And if she turns out to be the only one then it is heartbreaking, but life will go on! Of course it will. It is so easy to see this as, i don’t know, block to ever being happy again. If IVF doesnt work how will we go on? I think when that bridge needs to be crossed you make peace with it. It’s hard (really, really hard) to imagine it but it nust be true. What else can you do? Life can deal some shitty cards but you play the hand you are dealt. I am so sick of being miserable about this. Time to take charge and focus on other things. I know that I say this a lot, it is hard to keep it up, but I am going to try to stay positive. I am a natural pessimist which doesn’t help, but I am determined this time. We are still having IVF, but I am going to enjoy the time inbetween. Life is so fragile, it can be over in an instant. Mine, or someone I love’s. I don’t want to waste months of my year missing good times with them and being sad because what if it’s over tomorrow? What if something happens to someone I know and I regret not making the most of our time together? Heaven forbid it does, but you just can’t tell. 

There was a tram crash yesterday where 7 people died, just like that, on their way to work. Another man was killed in an accident at the Carlsberg brewery near where I used to work. It’s scary, and I don’t want to waste this precious crazy life we get given. 

Operation Positivity is a gogo!!!!