Drumming up some positivity

So I have been pondering lately how rubbish IVF success rates are. I mean, really they are LOW. But then when I thought about it, in a given cycle there is only around a 20-25% chance of falling pregnant. Added to which our chances naturally are less than 1%. And suddenly that 30 odd% chance of success per cycle doesn’t seem quite so bad. Not ideal but not the worst it could be either. 

Hurry up genetic results and please be ok then roll on next July!!!!! 

This month, I am mostly…

Doing things I can’t do when pregnant, and slimming worlding it up.

Myself and C are off to Thorpe Park next Friday for their Fright Nights and then I am out for a shitload of alcohol and giggles for my friend’s birthday the Friday after. So that is nice. I suppose. Although I would rather that I couldn’t do any of it but looks like that is not in the plan sadly!!

Still largely on a Google ban over here too. And on the very plus side I have been back eating healthily for the past 3 weeks and am half a stone down!!! Woohoo!!!! I am now actually back to a healthy BMI so I am really pleased about that. I have heard that with PCOS if you gain a lot of weight that can actually be the trigger for your PCOS. Up until 2013 I had only been ‘heavy’ twice in my life….once when I was pregnant and although I lost baby weight very quickly I then went back up to 40 week pregnant weight in the months following my little girl’s birth. When I say heavy though, my 40 week pregnant weight was 9 stone! So really not heavy at all. But in 2013/14 my weight crept up to 8.5, then 9 and a bit stone. I then lost a bit and entered 2015 at 8st 11. By sept 2015 I was 10st 11!!! 2 stone in 9 months was a LOT. I am only 5 ft 4 too so it wasn’t like I could carry it, plus in true pcos style it pretty much all went to my stomach. I do wonder if it maybe messed something up in my system, as this is when I came off the pill and my period never returned and I was diagnosed with pcos. Apparently you always have pcos but i had pretty perfectly functioning ovaries right up until i started the pill again in late 2014 so I am not convinced this is the case!!! Anyway! What I was trying to say before I distracted myself is that if you can get back to the weight you were before your pcos was noticeable it can be, well, reversed, if you will. Or at least the body can function and fertility can be restored. So in the absence of any funding for IVF currently our plan for the limboland is to get me as healthy as we can. If we get insanely ridiculously lucky, it might even give us a little miracle (did the consultant not say miracles can happen in my last update!?) but possibly being more realistic it means I will be in great shape for ivf at least. Also, I have been skinny my whole entire life, being fat doesnt suit me and makes me feel pretty crappy and miserable. So I am looking forward to that.

I feel like with a visit to a theme park coming up I should do a hpt just in case we have managed to miraculously beat the odds. But at the same time I really don’t want to because I don’t fancy seeing a bfn. But then my mind jumps back to what if somehow we have managed to do it and I dont tale a test then go to thorpe park and end up finding out im pregnant by causing a miscarriage. Which is ridiculous. But then, I have never claimed to be sane…..and even less so since all this infertility business began!!! So I guess I can look forward to taking a test next week and then kicking myself when I get the inevitable bfn and feeling sad for that little bit of hope that it will be a bfp. 

No news is….no news

The big day today. Follow up appointment day!!! I was dreading it. Then there was an accident on the m1 so we were almost an hour late (although they were so far behind in the clinic we still had to wait 45 mins to be seen so probably wasnt such a bad thing really! The genetic results we really wanted werent even back, which kind of sucked. If they come back clear we get a letter telling us. If there is a problem we will be sent an appointment, so I guess our answer will be in that document one way or the other! If there is a problem genetically then I think we have decided to just let it lie. Genetics is going to add thousands and unfortunately makes it a non viable road for us. It’s already pushing it financially to do IVF so no more. If genetically all is well, we will look into IVF. I had a really bad few days at the end of last week where everything in general was getting on top of me and my parents said they will help lend us a reasonable amount for ivf. So i think we will definitely go ahead next year sometime. Perhaps spring. Im not sure really. It all hangs on the genetics though I suppose. 

In one way, if the genetics show a problem it will be a relief in a way. As much as the yearning for a baby is like a physical ache in my heart and my stomach, having the option taken away would be like all the stress and financial burden was removed. I dont want it really though, i want everything to be ok, I just wish we didnt have to do this. Who wants to go through this though?! I asked the consultant if basically they were saying there was no way we would get pregnant naturally and he said “with these results? No. But I suppose miracles can happen.” cheers mate. I mean I knew it, but still sucks to be told it for sure!  

I still havent been googling though which definitely makes it all easier. When we came out of the appointment C said “google how to raise sperm count”. i was like for real, I have spent the last few months googling every possible combination of every aspect we could look at. I am googling nothing!! Haha. 

This whole thing has been taking its toll on our relationship too. Its been tough. I guess if we can get through this we can get through anything though.