I am on a Google Ban…

And it feels good!!! After spending so long obsessing over all things IVF and trying to google every tiny thing I possibly could I decided for my sanity it had to stop. I don’t know what you would call it, maybe a personality trait? Is that I like to know every single minute detail about certain things. Which can be great. But in this situation, particularly when we do have a good few months of saving before we can kick things off, it really is not a Good Thing. It was becoming obsessive. I think this is maybe my 3rd day of not googling. My name is the smallest A and I am a google addict.it is out in the open!!! Haha. But for real, this shit was getting too much. Googling for hours and staying up til 2/3 am googling clinica and natural ways to increase fertility and any and all combinations of ivf and pcos and male factor infertility you can possibly think of. It was making me feel anxious, I think.  It wasn’t healthy anyway.

I have been keeping busy with helping dd with a Harry Potter themed outfit for a thing they are doing at school. When I say helping, I really mean doing it all. But that is because I freaking love HP and am so jealous of all the cool HP related stuff they are doing at school! Anyway. I am really not the most crsfty of people but I did make a lot of her stuff and I am really proud of it. Also I discovered hobbycraft tonight. We had to do a flying visit as were short on timebut am planning on going back at the weekend to see what wonders they have that can help to distract me further now the HP outfit is complete! 

Also, we have our follow up in less than 2 weeks now. Will be interesting to see what the outcome is of the tests they ran. We have everything crossed for, if not good, at least not crap news.  Bit nervous for it really, our last appointment at the fertility place was full of hope thinking they would tell is to get some clomid down my throat and wave us goodbye but obviously it didn’t go quite as planned!

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Plan…..B?!

I mean I guess it might be plan B. Officially. Unofficially I must be on Plan W at least by now. So IVM, on further investigation, is A No Go. The success rates are just too low and the clinic we were looking at perform it under 10 times….a year. With a succes rate of 15%. So 1.5 people get pregnant a year from it!!! Haha. Ohh I love the way statistics don’t quite work sometimes lol. 

So. Back to IVF. I’m still a big fan of the mild IVF idea. I feel like now this is decided. Although C seems reluctant. Je really wants it to happen naturally (don’t we all!) and maybe it will. I certainly have plans to try some unconventional methods if I ever get this wrecked body of mine ovulating (soft cups and preseed anyone?!) but we need to face the fairly shitty statistics that it is almost certainly not going to happen. I feel like I write that every time. I reckon I probably do. Play another record girl! It is true though so if I want to repeat myself I will and neh neh neh neh neh you can’t stop me!!

In good news, I really feel as though I am starting to accept things now. The past few days I have felt much better and I did wonder if it was just one of those days I have had a few of where for one day (or more usually, part of one day) it has felt like it isn’t the end of the world. But this feeling seems to be settling in. Not that I think that it will be like this forever. I’m always one pregnancy announcement away from being upset. I am dreading any close friends announcing a pregnancy because I know it will hurt like hell which is horrible,because having a baby is amazing. But you can’t help how you feel. Anyway. As I was saying. For now I am feeling good. Positive in fact. I havent felt positivw for months. A little despondent that my body still. Won’t. Work! But positive. I really hope one day I will se a bfp again. And I am lucky to have seen two in my life and have my beautiful dd. I hope to god one day she can have a sibling but the idea of it never happening doesnt clutch a vice around my heart. At least not for the moment anyway. And I will take that!

We have less than 4 weeks now until our results at the clinic. I don’t get the point really cos although C had a hormone test, as far as I can tell it doesn’t matter if anything is low anyway cos they won’t treat it. Just this genetics thing I am worried about now, I wish they had explained it better so we had an idea of potential outcomes. I know they will tell us at the appointment if there is a problem but I am the kind of girl who likes to be able to plan for every eventuality (read: google the fuck out of every possible angle). Still, i’m sure it will soon come around. Just please let it be some good news for a change!!

Bleeding post HSG

Well have I had an interesting day or what?! 

So after the HSG I had some spotting for the rest of the day, but it stopped on Tuesday evening. Nothing all night on Tuesday or Wednesday morning but halfway through Wednesday afternoon I started with bright red bleeding. Not heavy, but like a light period. I had stopped provera on the 23rd August and had a period from it on the 28th. That was the first bleed I had since April last year. 

Anyhow, I turned to google as we all do at times of confusion and found it did not really help. Other women have no bleeding! Lots of bleeding! Spotting and that is it. Nobody that I found posting anywhere had the spotting that stopped and then bright red nearly 24 hours later. I called up the radiologt dept who said it would have been nothing to do with the HSG and to see a nurse at my dr’s if I was concerned. Which I was! I had mild cramping and bright red blood with small clotty type stuff in which was apparently nothing to do with the HSG. 

I got booked in with a nurse who examined me and diagnosed me with…..an actual period!!! I was pretty shocked but happy. But not convinced. And the bright red blood has turned brown now, just over 24 hours after it started. Was it a period? I really don’t know. I like to think so but I literally just stopped my provera induced period on Friday. And the timing after the HSG seems too much like a coincidence for it to not be related. But then….maybe because I just had the provera one I have no lining to shed hence it being a very short period? I just do not know. I want to be happy about a natural period but it seems off to me. Also, the burse said it was period blood. How is there a difference between period blood and hsg aftermath blood? She didn’t even know what a hsg was until i explained and then she said oh yeah a lap and dye. But I’m pretty sure that is another thing, so maybe she was confused about the blood too. Oh I don’t know. Let’s just say I’m not expecting it to be marking the start of regular cycles again!!! I am a very confused a today.

If anyone reads this and has any experience, I would love to hear it! 

HSG

I had my HSG done yesterday. It was actually really interesting! I got to watch it on the screen while they did it. A live show so to speak! The dye instantly spilled through my right tube but nothing doing on the left. However, the nurse did say that sometimes when it goes through one side so quickly it just skips the other, it doesn’t necessarily mean it is blocked. It did hurt like crap though. From reading online, this seems to indicate it could be blocked. But you do only need one tube! Same as we only need one sperm…..ha. 

All in all our prospects for a natural pregnancy just seem to get slimmer and slimmer. We do have *some* hope, but it really isn’t a lot. However, I do think I am beginning to come to terms with this now. Not saying it is easy at all and that I still don’t get that punch in the gut feeling occasionally when I think about it, but it isn’t every time I think about it now, which is a marked improvement! And one I am glad for, as these past few weeks have been horrendous.  Today I have been looking more into the IVM I mentioned last time. Apparently success rates are considerably lower than IVF. 20-25% vs whatever the IVF is. Which it usually hovers in the mid 30s I think. Which is a shame….but there again it is pretty much literally half the cost, so is it worth the reduced chance with less drugs and way less cost? It’s an impossible balancing act. I want to say it isn’t worth it, but financially we really will struggle to fund one ivf anytime soon and I just want to do something. IVM can still work for some people, who’s to say I wouldn’t be the lucky one (although god knows that so far on this ttc journey I feel incredibly far from *lucky*!). And success rates are indicative only. People can have a 1% chance of survival and survive. Other peole can have a 99% chance of survival and die. Life doesn’t really give a shit about statistics, that is for sure. I’m still keen to try the budget way first. If we were richer than we are it would be a no brainer but with H to think about there needs to be some kind of balance and I hope this is the way forward. I do know you need to have actual polycystic ovaries, which mine definitely are, but I am a bit concerned that either the metformin or castor oil packs I am about to start will change this. If PCOS was our only issue, that would be fab news but I need my cysts for this so it is a tricky situation. I never know what to do for the best these days. It is hard to second guess everything you are doing!

But anyway, either way I am still feeling positive at the moment 🙂

Things to think about

Well I seem to be not sleeping much lately. Think I may be coming down with something as have been feeling a bit pukey off and on today (and of course that means I am thinking hmmm, what if…? Even though I know it’s a no chancer!)

Tomorrow morning I have my hsg! Hopefully they will tell me there and then if they see any problems but I am prepared for the possibility of having to wait for our follow up appointment in October. Today I have been feeling a bit wobbly again. I tell myself I am going to stop obsessing over every little thing to do with infertility but I can’t…surely I’m not the only one though? I hate not being in control of my life and this is the biggest humdinger of having no control, I think my constant researching is how I try to deal with it. Anyway today I was talking to C about just sacking off the whole IVF thing. So much expense. So much scrimping. So much we would have to cut out to save and is that fair on H? 

I have been googling today (for a change) and keep coming across IVM.In Vitro Maturation. Success rates are hard to gauge accurately, the HFEA says they are broadly comparable to IVF, but plenty online seems to suggest otherwise. There again, plenty of people aren’t successful with ivf either so…. It is also nowhere near as common as IVF. Not even vaguely. So that makes success rates and stories harder still to come by. But, a major bonus is far less stimulation and it is almost half the cost too. So potentially 2 goes for the price of 1. I don’t know, certainly food for thought though! 

In other news, I am still trying my very hardest to be positive. Although C told me today I am depressing myself so maybe I need to work harder on that…oops. He calls it depressing yourself, I call it being realistic! Haha. But he is right. I do need to work on it still. I just wish I could switch off from it all for a bit. I know people do, I just don’t understand how! I am going to work on that too. 

Anyway, off to sleep now, my womb has a hot date with some dye in the morning and needs its beauty sleep 😉

Fun times

So, this is really a place to put down my thoughts etc on the rollercoaster from doom (so far, at least. I’m optimistic it won’t always be bad news!) that is infertility. It was supposed to be ttc with pcos, but now that includes male factor too and it got scarily big and daunting and just 😮.

But I don’t want to just think about the bad times. This is about good times too, right? And today was fun. We (me, C and H) went to the seaside with C’s brother and his friends for birthday fun. And we went on fairground rides (high five for being unpregnant and being able to do that), played in arcades, danced in the beautiful british rain because it was chucking it down and hey, if you can’t beat it…have fun in it? H had the most amazing time being a little bit doted on by everyone as the only child there and we just got to blow off a bit of steam in a completely different place with some faces we don’t really see much. It was nice. Expensive (turns out H is quite the little gambler on the 2p machines) but fun and very well needed. 

Now I am ready to ace my hsg on Tuesday with no blockages or problems at all 🙂