This really is just a woe is me post here but I feel like I need to get this out somewhere so it hopefully stops swirling round in my head making me feel miserable.
So we really are up against it ttc. I have not ovulated since April 2015, 16 months ago. C also has the lowest sperm results I have seen online, a lot of people are like oh my hubby’s results were beyond awful, he only has 8 million. Well C had just 0.4 TOTAL count. It was around 0.1 per ml. Which is better than 0, but still extremely, massively low. So he is now on wellman conception vits. I am not expecting miracles by any means, but hoping it will raise the count. We may or may not get a further analysis done privately in a few months. The first one we got on the NHS got no results – a misreading of the instructions meant we only left 24 hours between sex and analysis but for some reason decided to just go for it….I guess we didn’t really expect there to be a problem so didn’t really expect it to make much difference. Funny….ha. Ha. Anyway. That means we only really have one crappy result to go on but even still, with suchba low result we are obviously looking at a big problem there, hence ICSI being recommended.
I have managed to beg myself a metformin prescription, which we are hoping and praying will restore ovulation with me. Then between now and around this time next year, we are hoping and wishing on miracles that we may just get the one eggy and super swimmer and get lucky. Extremely unlikely, but we won’t be doing much else inbetween times so at least this way we will have a chance however small, whereas currently the chances are at a huge absolutely not a single hope, literal 0%. As I say, I’m not delusional, I know it’s an extremely long shot, but that is the plan.
And the other thing on my mind….I am just so jealous. So jealous of people with no fertility struggles. Jealous of all the people who are winning life more than me. That is ridiculous I know. I am being crazy. But people who are married with their own house and a couple of kids…I am so jealous. We can’t afford to save for a house or wedding because we need to save for ivf. We won’t be getting kids anytime soon cos you know, massive infertility factors on both sides. How is it fair? I have one friend I have been friends with for longer than anyone else.. She has a great career, husband, gorgeous daughter and has lost so much weight lately she looks amazing and she is so happy, it literally radiates from her. I am fat, cannot lose weight because I am always hungry and also, not going to lie, have the willpower of a gnat. Rubbish job. Nice partner don’t get me wrong, but not even engaged yet because always something else that needs paying for than a ring. No house as mentioned above. I do have a beautiful daughter too so I know I am extremely lucky there, but her dad was awful while I was preg and when she was a baby and I had to go back to work when she was tiny and I just feel like the whole pregnancy and baby thing with her has a big black cloud over it. And it breaks my heart that that could have been my only experience of it and it was horrible. Then I was a single parebt for a while and that was so so hard too so a lot of my dd’s youngest years are marred and….its so unfair. I know I am being a bit childish here but it really really is not fucking fair. Fuck off with infertility. Fuck off with my ex and his twatty behaviour. Fuck off all the junkies having their 8th kid that they won’t get to keep custody off. Just fuck the fucking fuck off.
This sucks. So so bad. And having to wait so long to start any treatment is like a torture. I hate everything about all of this. Of all people, why do we both end up with messed up baby making kit? I have had one child, surely mine must actually work?! But nope. Not recently it doesn’t. And why cant it just be me?! Fixing pcos is, in the scheme of things, a piece of piss to fix. With C having issues too, we are catapulted right into the highest levels of infertility shitness. I feel bad that I sometimes think why did it have to be the two of us who got together? If he picked a girl without a kid he could have nhs treatment. If I picked someone else it would probably be a much easier journey to pregnancy. Neither of us want that, and I really do not blame him at all, no more his fault than mine, but fuck. It is such a shitty lottery we won here to get this partnership.
Well that does feel a little better. It’s a bit negative I know but I think I needed to write that down. It’s sending me crazy having it racing around in my head all day every day.
I plan to update again after the hsg but depends how crappy I feel inbetween times I guess!