Onwards and upwards.

So it has been maybe….6? Weeks since we found out we need icsi. It feels like a lifetime in one way! I have been sad, mad, jealous, bitter, hopeless and helpless but that needs to stop. Yes it sucks. No, it isn’t fair. But when is life fair? I am going to be more thankful of the time I get with my daughter and be more positive about our future. Apparently, our odds of conceiving naturally are 0.2%. It works out as about 1 in 500. Low? Absolutely. Impossible? Absolutely not. We still have ICSI as our intention in a year or so….it is so, so expensive and neither of us are big earners, but I don’t want to borrow masses because when it works I want to be able to cut my hours at work way down to be able to spend time with the baby and if we get ourselves into a mass of debt I won’t be able to do that. So tempting as it is to take out loans and credit cards, we are saving it all up. 

So we have been dealt a really shitty hand fertility wise but it could always be worse. Have to focus on the positives or I will lose it, I have definitely come close, but that is behind me now. Onwards and upwards!

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Urgh

This really is just a woe is me post here but I feel like I need to get this out somewhere so it hopefully stops swirling round in my head making me feel miserable. 

So we really are up against it ttc. I have not ovulated since April 2015, 16 months ago. C also has the lowest sperm results I have seen online, a lot of people are like oh my hubby’s results were beyond awful, he only has 8 million. Well C had just 0.4 TOTAL count. It was around 0.1 per ml. Which is better than 0, but still extremely, massively low. So he is now on wellman conception vits. I am not expecting miracles by any means, but hoping it will raise the count. We may or may not get a further analysis done privately in a few months. The first one we got on the NHS got no results – a misreading of the instructions meant we only left 24 hours between sex and analysis but for some reason decided to just go for it….I guess we didn’t really expect there to be a problem so didn’t really expect it to make much difference. Funny….ha. Ha. Anyway. That means we only really have one crappy result to go on but even still, with suchba low result we are obviously looking at a big problem there, hence ICSI being recommended. 

I have managed to beg myself a metformin prescription, which we are hoping and praying will restore ovulation with me. Then between now and around this time next year, we are hoping and wishing on miracles that we may just get the one eggy and super swimmer and get lucky. Extremely unlikely, but we won’t be doing much else inbetween times so at least this way we will have a chance however small, whereas currently the chances are at a huge absolutely not a single hope, literal 0%. As I say, I’m not delusional, I know it’s an extremely long shot, but that is the plan. 

And the other thing on my mind….I am just so jealous. So jealous of people with no fertility struggles. Jealous of all the people who are winning life more than me. That is ridiculous I know. I am being crazy. But people who are married with their own house and a couple of kids…I am so jealous. We can’t afford to save for a house or wedding because we need to save for ivf. We won’t be getting kids anytime soon cos you know, massive infertility factors on both sides. How is it fair? I have one friend I have been friends with for longer than anyone else.. She has a great career, husband, gorgeous daughter and has lost so much weight lately she looks amazing and she is so happy, it literally radiates from her. I am fat, cannot lose weight because I am always hungry and also, not going to lie, have the willpower of a gnat. Rubbish job. Nice partner don’t get me wrong, but not even engaged yet because always something else that needs paying for than a ring. No house as mentioned above. I do have a beautiful daughter too so I know I am extremely lucky there, but her dad was awful while I was preg and when she was a baby and I had to go back to work when she was tiny and I just feel like the whole pregnancy and baby thing with her has a big black cloud over it. And it breaks my heart that that could have been my only experience of it and it was horrible. Then I was a single parebt for a while and that was so so hard too so a lot of my dd’s youngest years are marred and….its so unfair. I know I am being a bit childish here but it really really is not fucking fair. Fuck off with infertility. Fuck off with my ex and his twatty behaviour. Fuck off all the junkies having their 8th kid that they won’t get to keep custody off. Just fuck the fucking fuck off. 

This sucks. So so bad. And having to wait so long to start any treatment is like a torture. I hate everything about all of this. Of all people, why do we both end up with messed up baby making kit? I have had one child, surely mine must actually work?! But nope. Not recently it doesn’t. And why cant it just be me?! Fixing pcos is, in the scheme of things, a piece of piss to fix. With C having issues too, we are catapulted right into the highest levels of infertility shitness. I feel bad that I sometimes think why did it have to be the two of us who got together? If he picked a girl without a kid he could have nhs treatment. If I picked someone else it would probably be a much easier journey to pregnancy. Neither of us want that, and I really do not blame him at all, no more his fault than mine, but fuck. It is such a shitty lottery we won here to get this partnership. 

Well that does feel a little better. It’s a bit negative I know but I think I needed to write that down. It’s sending me crazy having it racing around in my head all day every day. 

I plan to update again after the hsg but depends how crappy I feel inbetween times I guess! 

Next stop, HSG!

So FINALLY I finished my 2 week course of provera last Tuesday morning and today is cd1. After a 511 day”cycle”. Which wasn’t really a cycle because I had no ovulation, but hey. Jeeez. I wish I knew what the hell happened to my cycle, I used to have them regularly and then they were gone. 

Anyway. I need to book a HSG but of course! It is bank holiday weekend so I can’t get through to anyone. I am hoping all is fine. As I had my daughter previously I assume it is, but I would bet it to be yet more crappy luck that it isn’t. Fingers crossed though. 

We also found our follow up in October has been cancelled….there is so much great stuff about the NHS without a doubt, but not a singular part of anything to do with our infertility jas been great. It has been awful from start to finish and I fully intend to complain. Not that I expect anyone will care, but it needs to be mentioned. 

And last thing, after nobody at my doctors or at the fertility clinic caring, I have managed to get some metformin privately online. Which I am hoping will help regulate things for me and sort out the hormone imbalance and general crappiness of pcos so we at least have a really really low chance of naturally conceiving vs the absolutely no hope at all we have at the moment! 

So that is it for now. I will update after the hsg and when I have the metformin 🙂 

I feel at least a tiny bit hopeful now, which is better than I have been! 

Holidays and money and money and holidays. Oh my!

Well myself, the OH (C) and my dd (H) just spent a few nights over at Disneyland Paris. Amazing place. Amazing time. So good to get away from it all! Barely even thought about any of this infertility crap while away and feel a million times better for it. C wants to book up for just the 2 of us to go back early 2017 and then take H again late 2017/early 2018. Unfortunately, we are not made of money (how I wish we were!! Mind you, don’t we all!). I feel we should save up for ivf first then go away. But if we do that and by some miracle it works first time, we would have to save all our money for baby stuff rather than holidays. We should go somewhere alone though. H is not C’s child, so we haven’t really had the traditional meet, do stuff, have babies (ha!) like a lot of couples do and it would be amazing to go back on our own. But then I would feel guilty that H isn’t going. C says we cannot put our lives on hold and have to enjoy ourselves still, so should go away then take H away and then sort out ivf. But I am 30…I want to get this show on the road sooner rather than later. H is 7 already, I really don’t want a huger age gap than there is.

Then again I think, ivf is statistically not likely to work first time, so we are looking at thousands of pounds of treatment (thanks nhs and your crappy funding) and we probably should do it now then save for ivf. It is literally a conundrum with no answer and I don’t know right now what to do for the best!

Also, not finance related, I have pcos and have read a lot about mild stimulation ivf being better for pcos sufferers. Less chance of ohss. I tend to go crazy with hormones so the idea of fewer, slightly gentler ivf appeals massively too. But then…fewer eggs, less chance of it working right?! Wrong?! 

I don’t know. I hate the lack of control I have over anything right now. And I am surrounded by pregnant people and babies still. Stop showing off your working ovaries and sperm!!! 

Really though, I am feeling waaaaaaaaay better than I have been. I am on provera for now to induce a period so I can have a hsg to check for blockages and scar tissue. That is literally all that is going on here until our follow up in october where we get the results of C’s blood screens for hormonal and genetic issues. We have had such bad luck so far, praying that is all ok. i dont even know what it means if not? If anyone is out there and wanted to let me know I would be grateful! 

Ho hum. Just keep plodding on I suppose!