And the journey continues!

‚ÄčIt has been just about 2 weeks since our appointment at the clinic, where we found out it isn’t just PCOS but male factor infertility we are dealing with. 

It has been such a strange couple of weeks. I have swung from feeling ok about it all to having…almost a breakdown maybe about it. I find myself excitedly researching ivf clinics one minute, to crying about how rubbish the statistics for success are the next. Swinging between thinking things will be ok, and raging at how unfair it is. I feel so envious of people who get pregnant just by missing one pill. We have been trying for 16 months now and I haven’t had a period in that whole time and with my partner’s semen analysis results it wouldn’t really make much difference anyway. And I know we need to make peace with that, but it is hard.

Also not helped by the fact the nurse we have been seeing seems to be fairly useless. Firstly, at a scan I had last week she got me mixed up with someone else. I mean, I know they’re busy, but that wouldn’t be acceptable in many lines of work, but when it is something like this I think it is awful. She also sent a letter to my doctor saying they will monitor me through a menstrual cycle, which will be tricky as I don’t have them! And that my partner has no sperm at all. Which he does, so I don’t know what she is on about. She seems to have meshed our notes with someone else’s! Which doesn’t fill me with confidence and is maybe the only glimmer of relief I have at having to go privately, as the NHS seems to be not that great from our experience here. 

I guess I am using this as an online diary almost. Nobody I know has been through IVF and although I linger around forums, we aren’t anywhere near having any procedures done yet so I feel like I don’t quite fit there either. Also, maybe someone out there is reading this and going through the same thing and maybe that is helping someone else. I like to hope that one day we will get the best news and someone will be able to see all this and realise there is hope. Because I know right now I don’t feel much of it, so it would be nice to get a happy ending. I really hope we do get a happy ending, although I do think it is going to be a long, emotionally and financially draining journey. But if at the end of the day I am the only one who reads this, I hope it is something to look back on and see how far things have come. 

As for the here and now, my next step is to take some provera to induce a period and then get a hsg to check my womb and tubes for any issues. Since I had a daughter a few years ago I am hoping all is well but apparently the coil can cause scarring and I have had 3 since my little girl was born, so with our luck so far I probably have got some problems there too! Fingers crossed for the all clear from them though.

I’ll probably update after that, depending how I feel. We go on holiday next week too, something nice to look forward to at least! 

Today was the day!!!

Today was finally the long awaited fertility appointment. It went very badly. We had assumed it was just me with fertility issues but it turns out my partner has an extremely low count and motility. So our only option is ICSI. 

It really floored us both, but especially my partner, unsurprisingly. He is still hopeful, however, even scouring the big wide internet results as poor as his are few and far between. We have discussed it and will probably go ahead with a cycle of ICSI. Possibly abroad, as we will be self funding due to me already having a child. We have a follow up NHS appointment in around 3 months when we will get some further results for other tests on me (an ultrasound to reconfirm pcos and see whether the womb lining is actually developing, which I don’t think it will be and a dye test to check if my tubes are blocked) and tests on my partner (he is being checked for genetic issues that may cause his poor results and also a hormonal blood screening). 

Honestly…I am devastated. I have cried a lot today. When my daughter gets home I will treasure her just that little bit more. I know I am very lucky to have her, but it doesn’t take away the longing for another. I genuinely can’t quite imagine life without ever experiencing another pregnancy or bringing a child that is both mine and my partner’s into the world. I also cannot quite imagine how much it will hurt to go ahead with treatment and it possibly not work either. This is hard. It’s raw and it’s cold and it is, without a doubt, the toughest thing emotionally I have ever had to deal with. 

I guess time will tell what the next step will be!

P.s it’s now almost 3 weeks since my last dose of Soy Isoflavones and I have not ovulated that I have picked up on. So I guess that didn’t work either! Not that it would help much if it did with the semen analysis being what it was. Sigh.