Something has happened!

20190204_193941Finally. In this extremely loooooong process, we finally have something happening. We went to our chosen clinic last week for an informal chat and that went well. Because we have been waiting a while and I am a Google obsessive, ahem sorry, fan, I already knew the majority of what they told us, but there were a few things they cleared up. We also booked our first real consultation! So exciting. So that is booked at the end of March. We have also completed quite a few forms and consents online which made it all feel a bit more real. I now need to get my amh tested, which I will do at the end of the month and then we are all systems go for a new semen analysis for C and a new pelvic ultrasound for me, complete with antral follicle count, which I didn’t have before. I’m actually not really clear on how this count will help,as with pcos I’m assuming I will have a lot of those, but I may be wrong.

So we are almost ready to start at last. I’m not sure how I feel. As it has been so long, I’m sort of used to doing nothing and being in limbo. It’s beyond frustrating and has been the toughest time of my life, but it’s also safe if that makes any sense? I don’t need to worry about wasting money or injections or anything like that while I’m in the safe limbo. I am terrified of this not working. At the moment, that’s an “after” problem. Right now, we are “before”.once we start treatment, we will be “during”, and that’s one step closer to the resolution, whether it’s the resolution we want or the one we don’t. I tell myself I’ll be happy when we are done, whatever the outcome, because we can finally move on. And that is true, to a point. I do want to be over this trying to conceive stage of my life. More than anything, I want a baby. But I also want to stop thinking about babies, and if the sad reality is that it doesnt work, I want to be able to work on moving on, healing and making peace with that. I really do. But…I also don’t want to have to deal with it not working. That’s 3 cycles (or more) away though, so I’m trying not to let myself think on that. What will be will be, I guess.

The most pressing matter for now is the not insignificant task of borrowing the mammoth amount of money required. I’m really nervous of this, convinced we won’t be able to. We both have fairly reasonable credit files and neither of us are in huge amounts of debt, but we both have some debts. In the scheme if things it’s pretty low, but I feel like we will have no chance of borrowing so much. Part of me wants to just apply for a loan now to see what the outcome is, reasoning I’d much rather find out now whether we can or not than when we are just about to start. Having said that, we still want to save a bit before we borrow and if I borrow now, I wont have as much to put towards saving as I’ll already have started paying ut back. It’s a tough call!

Sometimes I wonder how my head doesnt explode, theres always so much floating around but for now, I’m going to enjoy thinking about the exciting times ahead. I might be pregnant within 6 months!!

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News at last!

Well. It’s been probably 2.5, nearly 3 years since we last had anything fertility and ivf related actually happen so I’m very excited that we are still on track for starting IVF sometime in the spring. I’m literally so excited I feel sick thinking about it. Or maybe that’s nerves?! I think it quite possibly could be a bit of both. It’s just a tiny thing but I’m so happy it is something at last! 

We are going on a tour of our chosen clinicom 4th February – a week on Monday. I can’t wait and I’m hoping it will at least dampen down the overwhelming feelings I have regarding starting this process. Being able to see the clinic and meet some of the people involved will remove a little of the unknown surround everything I hope. It is always daunting to everyone, but I feel like I’ve had so many years to think through every possible scenario and feeling that might be involved that it’s almost built it up to more than it is. Perhaps that sounds silly. After all, everyone is nervous, scared and excited all in one go when they start IVF. I can’t really compare these feelings directly with other peoples experience, you only know what you know, right?! Either way, I’m feeling all the feelings and it’s still a few months til we start.

Which brings me to my second point. We really need to start upping our health game! I’ve been saying for months about taking supplements and losing weight and exercising more, yet most evening you will still find me on the sofa with a big bag of crisps and chocolate and the Netflix remote. Whatever gets you through, amirite? Seriously though. We actually do have to start this now. We could be only 3/4 months from starting, timescales permitting. I’m so excited!!!!! I will report back after the visit with my views and how it went.

 

 

 

Happy 2019!

Another year begins! They sure roll around quickly. 2018 wasn’t a great year for our family – my grandma passed away in August suddenly and my grandad is becoming really quite distant with his dementia, which has accelerated massively during the past year. He began the year still reasonably competent but since my grandma passed we realised that he is not at all capable of taking care of himself and my mum, my sister and I now have deputyship over him, and power of attorney ey over my great aunt and my uncle, who both have various health problems. My grandma was really healthy until around June when she had some kind of “turn” and went into hospital but recovered fairly well. Unfortunately she had a huge epileptic fits couple of months later that she never really fully came round from, a thing called Status Epilepticus, and she passed away a few weeks later. I never got a chance to see her between Christmas 2017 and her last stay in hospital, where she wasn’t properly conscious and it was quite honestly an awful time. Her death was the first close family member of mine to pass so it was hard , and it’s been really very hard to see the effect on my mum, grandad, uncle and great aunt. My grandma was definitely the glue that held the family together and I kick myself for not making the effort to see her. I’m trying to make sure I dont make the same mistake with other family members. Added to that is of course the constant grind of infertility and all in all it’s definitely been one of the worst years.

So, it is for more than one reason I am happy to see the end of 2018, as finally *finally!* we have reached the year where we can actually do IVF!! The year of IVF, as I have been referring to it with C. Depending on how the saving goes, and how much we can borrow, I’m hoping to get it started in June, or earlier if possible. We have 2 MOT’s for our cars to pass before that though, and my car is still hanging by a thread at being roadworthy! Literally once ivf is finished it is on the list to upgrade, I just need it to hang on a little bit longer!!

I cannot believe that IVF is finally within touching distance. I can definitely say that this year we are starting it. By the time we get on with it it will have been 4 years ttc. FOUR YEARS! A generally miserable and sad 4 years it has been too. I keep getting a little jump in my tummy when I think that I might be pregnant for Christmas 2019. I don’t want to get too over excited though, but eeeeeek. Nope, I can’t help it. Maybe we will be. The clinic we are using has a 49% success rate for women under 35 and I will be 33 when we start, so well within that range. Plus we are going for 3 rounds plus any frozen transfers, should we get so lucky.

I’ve started taking vitamins and stuff again in the last few days. I don’t want to go too crazy or spend too much, so have whittled it down to me on pregnacare conception, C on Wellman conception and both on 1000mg of vit c and 300mg of coq 10. I’m not convinced they will have any effect, but at least I feel like we are preparing. They do seem to have some reasonable benefits to fertility and let’s be fair, we need all the help we can get! Also, we meant to be on a health kick now 2019 has begun but we have *So. Much. Chocolate* in the house from Christmas. Namely, 2 tins of celebrations, one pouch of Mars sweets (which has the exact same sweets in as celebrations so why it’s not called a celebrations pouch I don’t really know) and also a tin of pick your own quality street that my parents got us. Not to mention 2 tins of shortbread. Jeez. We’ll be eating it til Easter!

Speaking of which, I’m so excited for spring. I know it’s only January 2nd, but 2019 got me excited. Here’s hoping it’s a good one 🤞

Almost Christmas!

It’s so near to Christmas now, I love this time of year. I always feel massively unfestive until I finish work though…thankfully I finish up on Thursday, so only 4 more days to go. Woohoo. I cannot wait to spend time with my family, and just not have to get up for work or spend my days rushing round like a looper trying to get school stuff/work stuff/general life organised. Also looking forward to a pre Christmas clear out, get the house in good shape in time for the deluge of stuff that H will get. Our house is nice, but small. We have the spare room (the one we earmarked as the nursery when we moved in, started ttc the month after we moved…how ironic), but other than that I do wonder where the heck we would put all the baby’s stuff, should we ever be so lucky. I’m sure that can be easily figured out though, I’d single-handedly gut the house if needs be haha. Seriously though, I am looking forward to a big declutter and starting 2019 fresh and relaxed.

Work has been manic and not much fun recently, so will be pleased to get away from that. My boss also asked me for the I don’t know what time this week if I was planning on having another kid. I totally get being asked once, or even twice…but I swear this is the third month in a row she’s asked, and at least 10 times in the past 18 months that I’ve been there. I get being asked once or twice, but its beginning to get quite annoying now, especially what with being infertile and that. My friend suggested I just come clean and tell them we are having problems, but that’s way more personal than I would like to get with my boss thank you! If we ever have a baby, like when it’s actually born, I’m not completely against coming clean then and explaining s/he was an ivf baby. In this really difficult time, though, I don’t want to make it public knowledge, or even private between me and my boss. I think part of me can’t bear that people might pity me, and part of me can’t bear admitting we can’t do something so simple – I know this isn’t true, but I do feel like we are both failures. That isn’t to say I think we are both useless, or that I blame us…or maybe I do a little. It’s very hard to come to terms with, even after all this time. You’d think almost 2.5 years from diagnosis for C, and 3years this month for me, that it wouldn’t be so hard to get to grips with. But it is. It still is.

At least now, I know that 2019 is finally the year we get started. I just have everything crossed that by next Christmas, I’ll be writing some very different blog posts

 

 

 

It’s getting nearer!!

I cant believe I can finally write this but it is *finally* getting to the countdown for when we can get started. In the new year it will be time to start losing a bit of weight and beginning to take our vitamins and supplements to make sure we have 3/4 months built up in our systems before hand. I’m so, so excited!!!!!!!!! The savings are coming along, maybe not quite so much as I would like to have but still on target.

I’ve been semi active on Instagram and babycentre, following ivf boards and ladies going through ivf. It’s so nice to feel less alone and isolated, knowing there are real live women out there going through the same things, feeling the same feelings that I am. Feeling the same lost feelings, the same jealousy over people you dont want to feel jealous of. It’s also been hard. I’ve been following them for 18 months or more, so have seen many, many women go on to get their happy endings and some who are still trying, or who have moved on. I have found the hardest thing without a doubt has been the limbo. I still feel it now, although I’m thrilled it won’t be for too much longer now (still feels like a lifetime some days though!)I just cannot wait to get on with the next stage.

I have been following other women’s stories and I keep getting a little tingle of excitement. What if that’s me in a few months? What if I’m sharing a picture of a positive pregnancy test? Moaning about feeling sick even though I’m so so grateful for it? Sharing scan photos, picking names, buying baby stuff? I almost dont want to think about it, because what if that jinxes it somehow? It’s ridiculous. This is a dream of mine. When I dreamed of going to uni and graduating I never stopped myself from thinking of it in case it jinxed it. When I went for my dream job, I never stopped myself imagining it in case it meant I didn’t get it. Maybe I want to spend a few minutes imagining it all and pretending it will be me. It might be me! Maybe one day next year, I’ll be able to update with amazing news for a change. I hope so. I cross everything and will allow myself a day dream today.

Green Eyed Monster

Jealousy isn’t pretty, and just lately I’m feeling almost consumed by it. One of my oldest friends is just bout to pop her second baby. I know it’s ridiculous but I’m jealous of everything she has. Husband..well I’m happily engaged but can’t afford the wedding as we are saving for ivf. She has just bought a beautiful house – we are and will be renting for the foreseeable. See previous point re:saving for ivf. Second baby – well I am very lucky to have had one but she has definitely got way ahead of me having the second. Career – my job is fine, but both her and her husband have really interesting exciting jobs earning lots. I love my friend and we have been friends for, I dunno, 25 years? It’s just really hard. I know it’s not her fault she has all this stuff and honestly, I truly am happy for her, but man am I sad for me too. I feel pretty pathetic to be honest

It just seems everything is so hard for us. I’m really in a woe is me place lately, which isn’t great. Having a baby is meant to be fun and free. It’s not supposed to make you depressed and miserable, scraping around and borrowing almost enough for a deposit on a house just to do so. It isn’t supposed to make you cry, hating everyone with a baby bump and feigning indifference to the idea of more kids, when really your heart is hurting to hold your baby. It’s not supposed to put you into years worth of debt.

I’m angry. I’m really fucking angry and upset and just plain sick that we can’t just make a baby. I know we’re not the only people in this situation. I know we’re not the first, nor will we be the last, to get into thousands of pounds of debt to chase this dream. I know this. But still somehow it seems like a personal attack. Like someone has marked our card and we are being punished, what for I wouldn’t know. Maybe I’m just being a bit…self-centred? That may not be the right word for it. Thinking that we are the only people who feel this way. Of course we’re not. I’m just so lonely and isolated. I have well meaning friends but they say the wrong things. They can’t understand and that’s not their fault, but they can’t help me either. My mum is not great either. “Oh, I thought you weren’t going to bother with IVF any more?” “It’s such low odds of working isn’t it?” “At least you already have one. Maybe you should concentrate on her instead?” “Im sure it will happen for you one day. I really can’t see why it wouldn’t!” Maybe because I don’t ovulate and C has basically no sperm. Is that not a prettt good explanation of why it wont? An explanation I have given countless times.

This is just a massive, raw, emotionl rant to be honest. I’ve been holding it together really well for a few months, so I suppose it’s my regular meltdown showing it’s face. Im just foing to give myself some time to feel it and then move on. God, but do I hate this

My first plastic free purchase!

So I have a bit of a confession. I’m secretly a bit crunchy. Only a bit, but the idea of reusable items and less plastic/chemicals/junk appeals to me. I wish I could say I was actually fully on board, but alas I am a bit useless!

However, I did make my first plastic free purchase this week. I have been toying with buying a few bits for a while but I always talked myself out of it. I have just about ran out of shampoo though, and needed a new toothbrush and toothpaste and these are all things I’ve seen in plastic free shops online so I decided to go for it.

My mini haul:

It includes the following:

Truthpaste in fennel – this is pretty cool. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried it but corsodyl make a toothpaste which tastes absolutely nothing like the traditional mint ones. Originally, I hated it, but I soon got used to it and actually prefer it to minty ones. This is along a similar vein, inasmuch as it’s much more “minerally” tasting than minty. I really liked it though. It was refreshing and had a nice little aftertaste, which I assume was the fennel and tasted quite aniseed-y. The toothpaste itself was more of a clay type texture, and of course it is in a glass jar so no squeezing onto the toothbrush. I like it a lot though!

Firstly…Omg how unbelievably adorable is this packaging?! I love pandas, so really feeling this. I forgot to get a photo, but the toothbrush itself is wooden (bamboo, duh!) with black bristles. They are charcoal activated I believe, regardless they were a perfectly acceptable cleaning experience and with the truthpaste I really enjoyed cleaning my teeth. Which is a sentence I don’t usually type lol.

Natural mint deodorant – I won’t lie, this one hasn’t been put to the test really yet. I will update when it has, but my initial findings have been that it is fine. I sometimes have problems with deodorants and sweat/smells so I got the mint which is apparently the “strong” one. I’ll give it a better review when I have one!

Shampoo bar – I haven’t used this one at all yet so can’t really say much other than that it smells nice, but strong. Another one I’ll update in the near future.

Scrubbing sponge – and in an entirely unrelated item, I bought a coconut kitchen scrubber. It’s apparently germ and odour free. I guess the natural fibres allow for better air circulation and so don’t trap germs and smells?! I’m not sure. It is fully compostable and biodegradable too. I’ll update this one soon too.

I ordered from the marine conservation society shop online. They sent a cool little booklet type thing with interesting info on what they do and how the ocean and life within it is affected by our plastic use. It was really interesting and a nice little read. I’m also keen to try and avoid plastics in our life and taking baby steps toward this. Im not under the impression that I’ll suddenly feel better or healthier but I do think it would have a longer term effect on mine and my family’s health. H has already requested her very own panda toothbrush, although she was quite disappointed that it wasn’t “green and bamboo like” when I opened it. I think she was expecting it to look like something a panda might eat haha. Cute.

**I don’t really make posts like this, but I feel like I should point out that I wasn’t asked to review anything and it’s all been chosen and paid for by myself**

Back on the bandwagon

After a long (long, long) time off from dieting and watching what I eat I am getting back on it from Monday. As I have PCOS, I’m trying to eat well to attempt to naturally improve my symptoms. I have read a lot about a low GI diet being good for this, so I picked up a book second hand on Amazon which I am spending my Saturday night reading. My life is far too exciting, I can tell you’re all jealous of my wild weekend!! I’ve also dusted off my old slimming world book. It’s a little out of date now but the basics remain.

So far, the two seem to conflict quite heavily, so I may just give the low GI a go first. Slimming world advocates potatoes and pasta etc, whereas the low GI plan is about limiting these foods and looking for healthier alternatives. It’s interesting that there is such a difference in the approaches actually.

It’s hard trying to eat well, as both C and H are terribly fussy and don’t like to be deprived of their junk food. Neither do I, actually!! Having said that, whilst H is like a rake she does eat quite badly, sneaking crisps and chocolate when I’m not looking and C isn’t much better. He’s actually probably worse to be fair…haha. Both of us could use a little weight off and a better diet so I think now is a great time to start. I will be coming up with a meal plan this weekend, I’m excited! I need some vegetables in my life. I’ll update with a few recipes later this week.

Fertility Supplements ahoy

I actually cannot believe it has been nearly 3 months since my last post. Where the heck did that go?! So. I’m starting to think about supplements and things in the run up to it now as you need to take things for a few months to allow them to get into your system properly before you start. With MFI and PCOS, we need to make sure everything is tip top with us both. Pcos can result in poor quality eggs and as we don’t know the cause of C’s low sperm count, we don’t know if they might be poor quality too, (little miss ray of sunshine over here assumes they’re not great, but we don’t actually know…). Anyway, we want to boost everything up really. We are taking the following daily:

1000mg vitamin C – some studies have shown this to improve sperm count and motility. For women, some studies show that it can increase progesterone. My understanding is that oestrogen dominance is part of pcos, so I guess that may help to balance the hormones?! If not, hopefully I won’t get a cold anytime soon 😁

Omega 3 Supplements – omega 3 improves sperm motility and morphology. Whilst we are using ICSI, motility isn’t really an issue as they inject the sperm directly into the egg, however morphology will still come into play (as far as I know?!)

Vitamin D – some studies show that sufficient vitamin d levels can improve sperm count in men and improve pcos symptoms in women. As vitamin D is made mainly by exposure to sunlight, we are all sadly lacking it in Britain (although perhaps not so much after the amazing summer we have just had)

Wellman and Wellwoman conception – bog standard conception multivitamin, containing differing levels of essential vitamins to promote a healthy fertile body leading up to conception.

I actually need to buy some more Wellwoman so haven’t included them in the photo. I got all the vitamins at good old Tesco, as I didn’t want expensive vitamins you can only buy online. I admit that this did influence what I bought!

If you’re looking into supplements for fertility I would encourage you to do your own research and draw your own conclusions. There’s a dizzying amount of info out there on fertility supplements and even the ones I am using have some contradictory advice online. It can be a bit of a minefield!

The results are in!

And in an entirely not shocking revelation, the pregnancy test was negative. 20180626_080017.jpg

I expected nothing different, although part of me couldn’t help imagining how amazing it would be to be one of the lucky ones who get a natural bfp miracle.

It’s not all bad news though. Not being pregnant meant I was able to join my friends on a girly weekend away which was absolutely exactly what I needed. So much fun, so much laughter. It was amazing to be out in the sun, having fun and no responsibilities or thinking about all the rubbish stuff. I feel like I have a whole new outlook on everything. I also have officially, finally!, been able to start saving for the big guns. ICSI we are coming for ya…just not quite yet haha.

Literally every time before this that I have almost got to the point of clearing debts and saving, my car has broken, or we needed a new fridge, or any other number of things that have put us back and put us back. But this time, fingers crossed, we are finally on track. Hopefully in 6 months we can do this. In fact, even if the saving still goes tits up, I’m just going to do it. We have waited enough now!

Onwards and upwards for us.